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Trail Blazers Play Staggeringly Bad Game Against the Spurs

The English language doesn’t contain words descriptive enough to describe this loss.

NBA: San Antonio Spurs at Portland Trail Blazers Soobum Im-USA TODAY Sports

The Portland Trail Blazers played like you always feared they might on Wednesday night versus the San Antonio Spurs. All the inspiring, devil-may-care, fight-for-every possession joie de vivre that has typified Portland’s approach since the trade deadline went right out the window. Instead they played like the pregame team dinner consisted of 800 pounds of valium-laced fruitcake.

The Spurs came to win. The Blazers are still in the locker room, buffering. The result was a 133-96 loss that took ugly to a new level.

Portland’s defense was, in a word, atrocious. They allowed the Spurs to set a franchise-record 13 three-pointers made in the first half, simultaneously giving up 21 fast break points. Again, that’s IN THE FIRST HALF.

I mean, giving up 21 fast break points in a game is bad. Really bad. I don’t even know the right adjectives to describe giving up that many in two quarters.

The Spurs had 81 points at the half, y’all. They only average 112 per game.

That is some PhD-level tanking. It was the chef’s kiss of futility... like going on Iron Chef and serving dog food... like taking the stage for American Idol and making armpit fart noises. The Blazers sat down to a game of Smash Bros with nothing but a plastic packet of pudding in their hands. At the end, both it and they were splattered on the floor.

This game was a 563-page novel that consisted only of appendix and footnotes. It was a can of Sprite Zero mixed with wombat vomit.

It seemed like every time the Blazers tried to score in transition, they turned it over instead. And every time they tried to score in the halfcourt, the halfcourt said, “Hahaha, No.”

Spurs Head Coach Gregg Popovich was seen on the sidelines rethinking his life choices for inflicting this blot on the universe.

Tonight we found out that the extra “G” in his name stands for, “GAAHHHHH make it stop!”

We could talk about all the times the Blazers got dunked on, but in order to get dunked on, somebody from your defense has to get below the free throw line. The number of times this didn’t happen was astonishing.

It’s not often you see garbage time start with 3:30 left in the first quarter. Tonight, we did.

San Antonio ended up hitting 19 threes. They also had 8 steals, 11 blocks, 34 assists, and 14 offensive rebounds. Their largest lead was 43 points. They shot 49% from the field, 43% from the arc, and had to pull punches in the fourth quarter to get that low.

If this game had a soundtrack, it would be puréed cat.

The arena crew didn’t drop streamers after the final horn. They fumigated Moda Center and burned the floor.

If you want to hear more about the proceedings, you can check out the quarter-by-quarter recap or the Boxscore, but I’d suggest walking away quietly, saying 42 “Our Fathers”, and hoping for better things when the Blazers play the Houston Rockets on Friday night with a 7:00 PM, Pacific start.

Until then, if you or a loved one suffered injury from this game—including headaches, heartburn, sore back, lethargy, depression, relationship disorders, vision impairment, or digestive issues—you can join our class-action lawsuit by calling 1-800-BLARRGH. Attorneys are standing by.

No they’re not. They’re too busy weeping.