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NBA Fashionisto Showdown, Biggest Blazer Boner, Swapping LeBron and Dame, and More!

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Summer columns about the Trail Blazers encourages our writers to get creative.

NBA: Cleveland Cavaliers at Portland Trail Blazers Jaime Valdez-USA TODAY Sports

I’m going to be honest with you — It’s tough to come up with ideas for a weekly column about the Trail Blazers right now. With the draft still weeks away and the last season thoroughly dissected there’s just nothing going on.

That’s why I’ve gotten creative over the last three weeks and published the following: 1) An examination of the Blazers mediocrity in the style of American Psycho/Fight Club, 2) A Trump-esque call for more alley-oops, and 3) A sick note Slack message to Dave (link not available).

With political commentary and creative writing off the table, that leaves me with four options this week:

  1. Xs and Os breakdown of some obscure element from last season
  2. Breakdown of Jusuf Nurkic’s free agency
  3. Mailbag!
  4. Some kind of forced gimmick column connecting the Blazers to the never-ending Warriors/Cavaliers matchup.

Looking at those choices, I’m going to assume nobody wants to read “A Definitive Analysis of Evan Turner’s Mid-Range Game: Death by a Thousand Paper Cuts” and I’ve already seen the Nurkic free agency backlash in the comments section.

As someone who doesn’t receive reader mail, I detest mailbags — Bill Simmons taught us they’re a crutch for people who have run out of ideas and need to rely on trite observations to fill out word counts. (Note: If I’m ever popular enough to actually get mailbag questions you can be darn sure I’ll be writing mailbags ALL the time.)

That leaves us with No. 4. So, without further adieu I present “4 Ways the 2018 NBA Finals Are Relevant to the Portland Trail Blazers!”:

The Blazers Are One LeBron Away Winning It All!

The non-LeBron Cavaliers mostly suck. There’s no avoiding that reality — gallons of ink has been spilled driving the point home.

But LeBron’s conundrum raised a question in my head:

My gut reaction is yes, LeBron would be able to beat the Warriors with the Blazers supporting cast.

CJ McCollum would be able to create his own shot more effectively than any of the Cavs and could cover Kevin Love’s outside shooting. Ed Davis/Tristan Thompson were basically the same player at one point. Jusuf Nurkic’s defense would probably be enough to stop JaVale McGee from dominating the first quarter of game two (what the hell were the Cavs even doing defensively?!).

And, as was pointed out on Twitter, Maurice Harkless or Evan Turner would at least know the score of the game. So, yeah, overall I’m confident the Blazers supporting cast is at least on par with the Cavs.

(Note: This made me realize the Blazers are only one LeBron James from contending! If this was Neil Olshey’s plan all along I wholeheartedly apologize for my previous writing.)

Biggest Boner in Blazers History

48 hours on NBA Twitter: lol Bryan Colangelo. Wow, Lebron. Refs you suck! LOLOL JR SMITH!!!

Adam Silver owes JR Smith big time. Hours after Silver complained that the Bryan Colangelo debacle dominating the NBA Finals news cycle, and minutes after the refs made a controversial replay decision, Smith overshadowed EVERYTHING.

Smith had me wondering, what was the biggest on-court boner in Blazers history?

The obvious choice is Cliff Robinson fumbling the ball out of bounds in game 6 of the 1991 Conference Finals against the Lakers:

The LA Times summarizes the play:

The Trail Blazers were trailing, 89-88, when a Laker turnover created a four-on-one break. Porter fed Kersey, who passed to center Cliff Robinson, who was alone under the basket. But Robinson fumbled the ball out of bounds with 56.6 seconds remaining.

If Robinson had completed the fast break it would have given the Blazers a lead in the closing minute and likely forced a game 7 in Portland. The Bulls had Michael Jordan, but they weren’t quite the unbeatable juggernaut they’d become in 1992.

One could argue that Robinson may have wall been bumbling the Larry O’Brien trophy, making it an easy choice for biggest screw-up in franchise history.

Who’s the Trendsetter? Dame or LeBron?

I volunteer at an Alzheimer’s disease day center on a semi-regular basis. Last week, my city was going through a record heat spell and the A/C in the building is iffy so I decided to wear presentable looking red khaki shorts so as not to sweat my @$$ off all day. These weren’t John Cena’s jorts, or your dad’s old cargo shorts — they looked fine! (The only reason I’m this confident is because my wife picked them out.)

Nevertheless, the security person stopped me on the way out and nicely pointed out that shorts technically aren’t allowed. I rolled my eyes, grumbled, and proceeded to sweat like crazy in frumpy jeans and old Jordan sneakers the next day, that were in no way as presentable as the khaki shorts + boat shoes combo from the day before.

The takeaway here is that LeBron is doing the Lord’s work by pushing for shorts to become accepted business casual attire with his pre-game shorts suit last Thursday. (Every man at a summer wedding thanks you, LeBron!)

But then I remembered Dame is also a trendsetter in breathier male fasion:

So, the obvious question is who’s the GOAT fashion trendsetter? Dame or LeBron? Like I said, my wife picks out my shorts so it’s probably best if I leave this question to the comments.

Blazers Had a Winning Record Against the Cavs and Warriors

The Blazers combined for a 3-2 record against the two NBA finalists this year! What does that mean? I have no idea.