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The Portland Trail Blazers destroyed the Phoenix Suns tonight like a fleet of Star-Killer Bases gone haywire. Damian Lillard played Supreme Leader Snoke, pouring in 21 first-half points on his way to a game-high 25. Jake Layman provided backup as an unlikely Kylo Ren, nearly matching Lillard with 24. The Blazers went up 31-5 to start the game, led 34-9 after one, and the rest of the night went about as you’d expect.
Anticipating the festivities might be a wee bit...non-standard, we decided to go with a non-standard recap as well. As usual, we took notes throughout the game. We’re presenting those to you in haiku form. Just let the poetic lines roll over you like the Blazers rolled over the Phoenix defense.
Pre-Game
Blazers face the Suns
The losing streak is painful
But soon to be done
.
CJ McCollum
The Blazers will miss you bad
Good thing it’s Phoenix
.
First Quarter
Lillard is on fire
Blazers scoring like pinball
Phoenix like soccer
.
Phoenix plays defense
Like a bunch of elephants
Stuck in a tar pit
.
The ultimate shame
and critique of your defense:
Layman alley-oop
.
What is this strange thing?
It is a weird orange sphere
The Suns scratch their heads
.
Twenty-five point lead
After only one quarter
We will see rookies
.
Second Quarter
DEFENSE! the coach screams
Take some pride in your effort!
Suns have no eardrums
.
Advantage so big
No-one could ever blow it
Not even Meyers
.
Christmas and New Year’s
Coming just as surely as
Layman’s career high
.
Phoenix has posted
a nice profile on Tinder
self-respect swiped left
.
Third Quarter
Nurkic is shooting
like he makes selections with
big fat beer goggles
.
If Phoenix were like
a Hollywood blockbuster
they would be Gigli
.
Watching the action:
twenty-one thousand plus fans
and five Phoenix Suns
.
Root canal, math class
jury duty and this game
When will these be done?
.
And that was it. The fourth wasn’t worth remarking on. I had the privilege of sitting next to Blazer’s Edge analyst, and former professional player, Brian Freeman during the game. That and his excellent hummus were the only things that made it tolerable. I looked at him when the final horn sounded and said, “Takeaways?” He replied, “None.” It just wasn’t that kind of game. The Blazers won it. That’s the great part. Nothing they did within was applicable to any game but this one. Phoenix was just...that...bad.
Congratulations Jake Layman! Good job, Blazers. Next game.
Help send 2000+ kids to see the Blazers play the Brooklyn Nets in March!
The Blazers welcome Karl-Anthony Towns and the Minnesota Timberwolves to the Moda Center on Saturday night.
—Dave / @davedeckard / @blazersedge / blazersub@gmail.com