Trail Blazers Embarrass Suns, Get Back on Winning Track

The Portland Trail Blazers destroyed the Phoenix Suns tonight like a fleet of Star-Killer Bases gone haywire. Damian Lillard played Supreme Leader Snoke, pouring in 21 first-half points on his way to a game-high 25. Jake Layman provided backup as an unlikely Kylo Ren, nearly matching Lillard with 24. The Blazers went up 31-5 to start the game, led 34-9 after one, and the rest of the night went about as you’d expect.

Anticipating the festivities might be a wee bit...non-standard, we decided to go with a non-standard recap as well. As usual, we took notes throughout the game. We’re presenting those to you in haiku form. Just let the poetic lines roll over you like the Blazers rolled over the Phoenix defense.

Pre-Game

Blazers face the Suns

The losing streak is painful

But soon to be done

.

CJ McCollum

The Blazers will miss you bad

Good thing it’s Phoenix

.

First Quarter

Lillard is on fire

Blazers scoring like pinball

Phoenix like soccer

.

Phoenix plays defense

Like a bunch of elephants

Stuck in a tar pit

.

The ultimate shame

and critique of your defense:

Layman alley-oop

.

What is this strange thing?

It is a weird orange sphere

The Suns scratch their heads

.

Twenty-five point lead

After only one quarter

We will see rookies

.

Second Quarter

DEFENSE! the coach screams

Take some pride in your effort!

Suns have no eardrums

.

Advantage so big

No-one could ever blow it

Not even Meyers

.

Christmas and New Year’s

Coming just as surely as

Layman’s career high

.

Phoenix has posted

a nice profile on Tinder

self-respect swiped left

.

Third Quarter

Nurkic is shooting

like he makes selections with

big fat beer goggles

.

If Phoenix were like

a Hollywood blockbuster

they would be Gigli

.

Watching the action:

twenty-one thousand plus fans

and five Phoenix Suns

.

Root canal, math class

jury duty and this game

When will these be done?

.

And that was it. The fourth wasn’t worth remarking on. I had the privilege of sitting next to Blazer’s Edge analyst, and former professional player, Brian Freeman during the game. That and his excellent hummus were the only things that made it tolerable. I looked at him when the final horn sounded and said, “Takeaways?” He replied, “None.” It just wasn’t that kind of game. The Blazers won it. That’s the great part. Nothing they did within was applicable to any game but this one. Phoenix was just...that...bad.

Congratulations Jake Layman! Good job, Blazers. Next game.

Boxscore

Instant Recap

Help send 2000+ kids to see the Blazers play the Brooklyn Nets in March!

The Blazers welcome Karl-Anthony Towns and the Minnesota Timberwolves to the Moda Center on Saturday night.

—Dave / @davedeckard / @blazersedge / blazersub@gmail.com