Comedian Skewers Portland Trail Blazers Bench

As part of his "Behind the Bench" series for uproxx.com, comedian Chris Trew sits behind opposing teams at New Orleans Pelicans games. He gathers witty observations on bench conduct to give you a tail's eye view of an NBA roster. Trew's latest victims are the Portland Trail Blazers. Here are some of his thoughts, along with our commentary. After all, fair is fair, right?

If there was a party with the coaching staffs from every NBA team in attendance, the Portland Trail Blazers coaching staff would be the ones in the corner on their phones. They would be texting people about how lame the party was, not really knowing everyone else at the party was actually having a good time, and thinking that the only lame thing about the party was the group of losers playing on their phones in the corner over there.

Well, hmmmm....

With a 20-26 record the "losers" designation hurts a little. It's doubtful Trew meant it in the technical sense, though. Since the Blazers weren't there for a party, but to work, Portland fans might be happy that their representatives were engaged in serious business instead of joking around with each other or the crowd.

Besides, this is what happens when you're on the last year of your contract and you know that everybody involved could be seeking new employment 120 days from now.

For the first time in my two years behind the bench, an assistant coach asked the usher in my section to keep me from taking pictures of the huddle. Now, to be fair, I was doing more than taking pictures, I was streaming video (via Periscope) of the entire timeout. But to be fair to me, the audio isn't great on Periscope. But to be fair to them, I suppose if a Pelicans assistant coach was following me on Periscope, they would now have a competitive advantage.

Also, Mr, Trew, I took a picture of your girlfriend while she was at work because I thought she was kind of cute. No wait, I took an extended video of your girlfriend at work because I thought she was kind of cute. I chronicled every move she made, recording the things she was saying to coworkers and publishing them worldwide because that's not noticeably different than a snapshot and TOTALLY not intrusive or creepy at all.

When Al-Farouq Aminu played in New Orleans, he smiled exactly five times over the course of three seasons. I caught the lanky forward smiling about a dozen times during warmups in the Smoothie King Center. Maybe it's the four-year $30-million contract they gave him; maybe it's those sweet Trail Blazer black jerseys, or maybe Al-Farouq Aminu just didn't appreciate the fine city of New Orleans when he lived here and he spent the day taking in all the Crescent City has to offer. No, you're right, it's the $30 million.

Or the fact that he's playing a career high in minutes, has a defined role, and his team isn't a dysfunctional mess, squandering the talent of this generation's brightest young star. Also this week the Blazers are scheduled to exceed New Orleans' win total for the entire season in Aminu's first year with them. That might have something to do with it.

Plus $30 million will buy you enough security to keep people from sticking phones up your ear and Periscoping.

Ah well, I guess we Portland people will go back to being the grumpy guys at the party. Thanks for stopping by!

2000 kids will be sitting behind the Blazers' bench (ok, WAY behind, but still...) on March 28th when we send them to see Portland play the Sacramento Kings. You can help sponsor attendees who otherwise couldn't get to a game because of their financial circumstances. It's easy! Just donate tickets to the cause through this link:

http://www.rosequarter.com/blazersedge

Promo Code: BLAZERSEDGE

Ticket Costs range from $7-13 (There is a $5 processing fee per order.)

You can also call our ticket rep, Lisa Swan, directly at 503-963-3966. You will need to indicate to her that you are donating the tickets you order to Blazer's Edge Night.

PLEASE consider sending a child or two! Donations have been strong but we've had a LOT of requests and we're not to 2000 yet. Help if you can.

--Dave blazersub@gmail.com / @DaveDeckard / @Blazersedge