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Portland Trail Blazers: Strange Questions Submitted to the Blazer's Edge Mailbag

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Today Only: The weirdest, loopiest questions submitted to the Blazersedge.com Mailbag get answered!

Craig Mitchelldyer-USA TODAY Sports

Who needs free agents, cap questions, or trade proposals? For this edition of the Blazer's Edge Mailbag we've decided to answer the weirdest, loopiest, non-sequitur questions populating our Mailbag inbox. Yes, people actually asked these.

Dave,

I've got a loopy question for you. Me and some friends once had a conversation about which Blazer would win if the entire team broke out into a battle royale... I told you I had a loopy one for you. We actually went into pretty deep detail with this one though. I supported T-Rob the most out of anyone else. The guy is just pure muscle and a freak athlete. I also thought Meyers Leonard would do pretty well due to his reach and strength. But then I realized he would probably care about his hair too much. So Dave, if there was a battle royale/ free-for-all within the Blazers team, who would come out the victor?

Spencer

My God, where has this question been all my life?

The correct answer depends on the definition of "battle royale".

If you're talking about an actual WWE-type, "throw everyone over the top rope" wrestling match which is scripted, the only possible winner is Damian Lillard. He's the lead babyface in the company right now, the face of the franchise. You'd need to protect LaMarcus Aldridge, of course. A couple of big guys would need to double-team Aldridge over the rope before Lillard got anywhere near him, leaving Damian to win an against-all-odds victory against those same bigs.

If you're talking about that kind of match but without the scripting, I'm going with Joel Freeland. He's tough and those English guys have sound wrestling fundamentals.

If you mean an MMA-type brawl with rules to protect the participants, Wesley Matthews is your guy. He has heart and sneaky technique.

If that changes to an all-out donnybrook with no rules whatsoever, go with Robin Lopez. He's huge and isn't afraid to hit below the belt or kick the side of your knee out. Plus that crazy hair is intimidating.

I understand what you mean about T-Rob but in the wrestling options he'd be the guy up on the turnbuckle doing crazy flips and would eventually get knocked off by a smaller, less-athletic, but wiser participant. I like him throwing punches in a real match but he's going to lose concentration and somebody will submit him.

Alright Dave,

Here's a loopy question for you. If you could replace Blaze the Trailcat with a new mascot of your own making, what would it be?

Chris
Tokushima Japan

Kate Upton or the young lady from the Blurred Lines video. You're welcome.

(And please, no pics [ed. OR ESPECIALLY GIFS] posted in the comments. We know.)

Dave,

As you are aware, there is no joy in Mudville over the sleeve-ification of the Rip City "pride" jerseys. Without debating the merits of how they look on the floor, I'd like to get your thoughts on how they impact your feelings when it comes to owning a jersey. Have you ever bought a jersey to keep? (Not for jersey contest.) If you bought one, did you ever wear it? If you wore it, did you ever wear it in public? Does the availability of a sleeved option change your feelings about buying/wearing jerseys in general?

Sincerely,
Michael

Sleeved jerseys suck on the floor, on actual NBA players. But one of the downsides of owning actual jerseys is finding opportunity to wear them. Most folks who do so end up wearing t-shirts underneath. That's not the most elegant look. I can see advantages to a sleeved jersey for just normal wear, resembling a coherent shirt instead of an homage to the team placed over something dug out of the hamper.

I've bought a couple jerseys in my life. Mostly they sit in a drawer because, as I said, there's just not much opportunity to wear them without looking like a tool. I don't buy them anymore really. Sleeves (or lack thereof) wouldn't change my mind about that.

Hello Dave,

Why haven't we as Blazer fans addressed the elephant in the room?

Will Barton is the bizarro-world opposite of Bill Walton.

Walton was just as fundamental as Barton is unorthodox. If Bill is snatching a rebound and placing the ball under his chin, Will is trying a 360° dunk in a one possession game.

Walton's # = 32
Barton's # = 5 (3+2!)

And just look at their names! Is someone is playing a joke on us!?

Actually, we'll know if Bill and Will are bizarro-world twins by this time next year. You see, in Bill's 3rd season as a Blazer, he led us to a championship. If we're ring-less next summer? Case closed as far as this BE reader is concerned.

-Bradley

Interesting. Though technically to make the inversion work Barton would have to lead the Blazers to a title in his third-to-last season with the Blazers. Since we don't know when that will be, we'll have to wait out the hypothesis. Honestly, though, a better indication would be Barton's entire body falling apart except for one small spot on his foot.

Also with the ability to accumulate and parse through data like that you now qualify as an official internet-based advanced statistician. Congratulations!

I'd love to see you respond to any of the "loopy" open-ended questions below...

Thanks,

-Cole

1) What artists would you least want to hear a Christmas album from?

Shaq.

2) Would you trade a 2014-15 Nicolas Batum for a 1999-2000 Scottie Pippen?

No way. 1991-97 Pippen? In a heartbeat.

3) Similar to how you summarized Facebook into 4 weighted categories, how would you summarize the Portland area?

I don't remember how I summarized Facebook. But in Portland there's Powell's, food carts, coffee, and everything else.

4) What mythical place would you most like to visit?

Narnia or Middle-Earth.

5) The all-time best/greatest Blazers team is being assembled and you're tasked with determining the starting lineup. Who starts at SF?

Me. With all the talent around me I could afford to indulge my childhood dream.

6) What would you do if your life transformed into an animated illustration?

Hang with the guy who wrote this.

7) What famous person, dead or alive, would you most like to meet?

Lynda Carter, circa 1977. Yowza.

8) Which current or former Blazers would you enjoy challenging to a board game?

Robin Lopez.

9) If your cats could talk, what would they most often say?

Assuming they already had food and water it would be "Thank you, Daddy" and "We Love You Daddy" and "Please move over, you're in my spot Daddy", not necessarily in that order.

(At least that's what I think they're saying. Really it could be something like, "Only 164 more days until we can drop this pathetic act and rid the planet of your parasitic infestation, Human.")

10) Tell us about a crazy/weird dream you once had?

It's a family site and Mortimer would be embarrassed.

11) What other hobbies do you enjoy that BlazersEdge readers don't know about?

Eating copious amounts of circus peanuts.

12) When LaMarcus Aldridge's career is over, will his Blazers jersey number be worthy of retirement?

By Portland standards it already is.

13) Apparently one's "adult movie" name is the name of your grade school followed by your favorite soda. What would yours be?

Laurelhurst Game Fuel, which is not likely to sell many movies.

14) Where would be the most embarrassing place to be caught in your underwear?

I run almost every day. With my legs and backside I could proudly be caught in my underwear almost anywhere.

Hello friend
Hope this find you well!
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Hello, Kewin! Didn't we meet at that get-together at Charlie's last month? How is China going?

I don't know that I'm ready for a "long-term business relationship" with my high-end injection moulding. I just got out of an LTR with my last injection-moulder and I was thinking about playing the field, maybe exploring some NSA injection moulding with a few randos before I got into anything serious. (With proper precautions, of course.) Also it doesn't speak well for your Emotional IQ or self-restraint that you:

A. Sent me pictures of your injection-moulder straight up in the introductory e-mail. And...

B. Asked me to send "drawings or samples" in same.  And...

C. Jumped straight into conversation about "high-end" injection moulding. That's varsity-level stuff requiring a lot of trust. We barely know one another. I get that it's your thing but sheesh! At least start with low-end moulding chat first.

While I am looking for something more casual, I do have standards. Maybe you should work on your game a little more and tone things down a bit before blasting out these e-mails to people who may or may not be interested in you. Just a suggestion.

Dear Dave,

In a general sense, what would Dave do as the Blazers assistant loopiness coach to keep opposing teams guessing?

--Dan

Casey Holdahl and Mike Rice: Head Cheerleaders.

If you want to submit a Mailbag question (possible a bit more on-topic than these) just send it to the e-mail address below.

--Dave blazersub@gmail.com / @DaveDeckard