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If you've read Part 1 of our Lonely Island Friday finale you already know what's up. If not, you really need to go through it first in order to put this piece in perspective. CLICK HERE to see it!
Now that you've experienced what many folks think is happening this summer, let's look at the other side of the coin. This Digital Short was one of the earliest, funniest, and most controversial. It doesn't contain any profanity but it does deal with unexpected bodily fluids inside trousers. Again, if that is going to offend you, SKIP THIS PIECE. This is over the line from the type of material we usually present but as with Jack Sparrow, the parallels were too good not to use. If anyone is afraid the site is going to heck in a handbasket for showing this video, I'll remind you that the word "finale" means "end" and that you won't be seeing such again anytime soon. (So you better look now, eh?)
We've been using Hulu.com's versions of The Lonely Island videos because they present them as seen on Saturday Night Live, including bleeps in place of profanity. This one is actually behind a registration wall, so I'm embedding the YouTube version. Last chance to shy away. Otherwise click the vid, get the song down, and read through the Blazers version below.
Enjoy envisioning Blazers fans everywhere making those faces as they read about Portland's summer signings!
Jizz in My Pants--Blazers Version
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Lock eyes on the new depth chart
Got fresh guys, oh be still my heart
Cleared the roster of the lames
Now we'll win twice as many games
Got a guy from the Pelicans
The man can defend, oh hell yes he can
Think of him and I start to sigh
He takes the floor and the angels cry
Seven feet you can't ignore
And 50 wins is now the floor
The "experts" say he is a bore
All my Blazer friends say he might be more. So I...
Jizz in my pants
You really may be thinking that I've gone too far
I won't apologize, check his PER
Destiny brought us a new superstar
And now I...Jizz in my pants
Run tell your friends that we've turned it around
Tune in all year cuz we're gonna astound
Next champions of the league has a very nice sound
Now I'll go home and change
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I know our whole bench crew was really sad
Needed new bench guys really bad
Left us heartbroken and looking for aid
Surprised all you guys when we pulled a trade
Four second rounders was a decent price
To get a "rook" who'd been traded twice
Never played too well but it's different now
And we still had to spend that five mil somehow
His stats are bad, yeah we've all read it
Went fifth in the draft, so give him credit.
Cuz I... Jizzed in my pants
It's perfectly normal, nothing wrong with me
He'll be tearing up the league soon, wait and see
The playoffs loom and we will advance. Because I...
Jizzed in my pants
To be fair he rebounds a lot
Plus his last interview got me bothered and hot
Please stop acting like you're not impressed
Two months tops and he'll be the best
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Last month we got a guard
As I recall it was a back-up guard
Did some research really quick
Saw he wasn't Nolan Smith. And I...
Jizzed in my pants
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Add a new SF to the growing stash
Didn't cost too much, just some extra cash
His three-point shot might be average at best. And I...
Jizz in my pants
And Batum, he might not get hurt. So I...
Jizz in my pants
Maybe now Meyers won't get torched on "D". And I...
Jizz in my pants
When the team beat the clock with the #10 pick I...
Jizzed in my pants
We got Earl Watson. And I...
Jizzed in my pants
The Moda C...I jizzed in my...OK, Seriously you guys, can we...OK?
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I jizz right in my pants after every Blazers move
I'm not that critical, every time I will approve
I get so premature, can't think realistically
Just let my passion flow and justify statistically
Cuz I jizz in my pants...Yes I jizz in my pants!
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Yeah, we went there. Methinks some of the commenters at CanisHoopus picked the wrong day to call us "Disney-like" and "schoolmarmish", eh?
In any case, it's been a good run. We now return you to your regularly-scheduled programming.
--Dave (blazersub@gmail.com)