Lonely Island Friday: The Finale Part 1--What You Think Is Happening

And now folks, we come to the end of the journey...at least as far as Lonely Island Fridays are concerned.  We took on the NBA Commisioner job like a boss.  We threw Portland's draft history on the ground like hipsters.  We even conjured up golden three-way trades.  Today, as the grand finale, we bring you a two-part look at Blazer fan reactions to the Summer of 2013 courtesy of Saturday Night Live's Digital Short gurus.

Part 1 of our finale covers what many folks think is happening this summer.  It's a version of The Lonely Island's pinnacle piece, Jack Sparrow.  The boys invited Michael Bolton to join them in a rap with hilarious results.  We are re-imagining the story as an interview with Portland Trail Blazers General Manager Neil Olshey and everybody's favorite (now-former) beat writer, Jason Quick...plus a few friends.

To see the video on which this is based, CLICK HERE.  Fair warning that they use a couple profane words in it, bleeped out as they aired on SNL (but you can easily tell what they were).  They're direct movies quotes, which is the point of the parody, but if you're offended by such things you may want to skip this post.  Otherwise, get the song down and maybe play it in the background as you read along.

So now, for anybody who's been paying even the slightest bit of attention to the conversation surrounding the Blazers this summer, we give you the Portland Trail Blazers Fan version of "Jack Sparrow"

Jack Sparrow--Blazers Version

Normal type = Neil Olshey ...  Italics = Jason Quick (and friends)

Intercom:  Neil?  Jason Quick is here.

Oh great.  Send him in.

Hey Neil.

Hey, hi.  Thanks for coming.

I'm really sorry I'm late.  I got caught up writing another marathon article.  Have you read my stuff?

Oh yeah, yeah.  Those are...those are great.

Well I checked out your lineup and I love it.  And I wrote you this big, sexy piece I think you're gonna really dig.

Oh great.  That's awesome!  Shall we just lay it down?

Neil, let's get to it.

.

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Here we go...  Neil Olshey, Jason Quick...The year starts now.

Together back on track, the Blazers are back!

The year...starts...now...

The year starts now, baby roll with us

Lakers shakin' in their kicks when we rollin' up

Rolling up!

Blow through the league, ain't no holdin' up

Raised the bar way too far and they're out of luck

Come on

Fanboys starry-eyed when we walk onto the court,

screw the fellas looking jealous cuz they're slow and too short

Big man in the lane, you fight the clock,

you either get picked, fire bricks, or get blocked

This is the tale of LaMarcus Aldridge,

big superstar who's dissatisfied!

What???

His mystical quest to a team in contention,

he's taking off, so wave bye-bye!

Yeah that was kind of weird but we're back with the club

Shooting lots of threes so the scoreboard shows us love

Short-term contract!

CJ as the draft pick, paint belongs to RoLo

We got T-Rob, what the heck my man, YOLO!

Not happy!

Watch it now cuz' I ain't your Mr. Nice Guy

More like a draft you, bring you up, then trade you twice guy

Yeah Yeah!

Grab rebounds then outlet and run

And now we make you go crazy with...

Now back to the good part!

LaMarcus said you're all small and boring

No...

Old LMA, giving you what for!

That's his agent on the phone

Requesting you to trade him

But is cleaning his locker what lies in store?

Yeah, we've heard the rumor...

Throw your hands in the air and say, "Go team!"  Come on.

LMA

What?

He's so sad

No!

From the front to the back say we're the champs.  Come on.

Leaving town!

Nope

Real soon!

Wrong.  Jason Quick we're really gonna need you to focus up!

Roger that, let me pass you to another guy!

Wait...

I am a tenured journalist and my name is Dwight Jaynes

Not better.

Criticize and fault the things that you do 'til nothing good remains

Come on!

OK then I'm a columnist, John Canzano is my name

No...God!

Then you can call me Dave D.  You should hang your head in shame

I give up...

You cockroaches wanna play rough?  OK, I'm reloaded!

This is the tale of Blazersedge David

Pessimist King, dragging you through the muck

Just go home!

Got a big old blog, but the posts are depressing

This whole team is screwed now, and everything just sucks!

And everything just sucks!

OK.  Turns out the local media are a bunch of dipwads.

You disgust me!

Yeah, yeah...OK.

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If you've survived this far, you can click through to Part 2 to see the other side of the coin and to complete the finale.

--Dave (blazersub@gmail.com)