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Lonely Island Friday: 3-Way (The Golden Trade)

Dave parodies SNL's finest once again, this time taking a look at internet trade suggestions.

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Mike Ehrmann

It's another mid-August Friday and time for the penultimate entry in our "Lonely Island Friday" series where we take a song from Saturday Night Live's famous Digital Short comedy group and translate it into basketball terms. Why? Half for fun, half because we can, and half because it's a mid-August Friday, dude.

The series started unofficially with a parody of "Like a Boss" when we pretended we were NBA Commissioner for a day. It continued last week as we went alternate-reality with "On the Ground", speculating the great disasters in Trail Blazers history were all a product of hipster decision making taken to the extreme. Today's entry stems from a non-Blazer-specific but fairly common phenomenon.

I don't know if you've noticed, but people like to post trade ideas on the internet. Our own Fanposts are usually full of them. But no matter where on the 'net they pop up, one thing remains common: they never work. Team A (the home team of the trade-maker) inevitably ends up screwing over Team B pretty badly. If you just post the trade straight up you'll get laughed off of the web.

But fear not! There's a clever way to disguise this. You simply pull in another team, or two or five or however many you need to disguise the fact that there's an impossible step in the equation. You shuffle so many players through so many teams that even though the Timberwolves (or whoever your victim is) end up giving up a star and taking on $15 million in extra salary for some injured players and second rounders, it looks like only one tiny bit of the deal is improbable instead of the whole thing. "Teams A, B, C, and E all win. If only this little thing with Team D could happen..."

Fortunately The Lonely Island came up with a little song called "3-Way: The Golden Rule". It's the third of a trilogy starring Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake as two losers completely out of touch with reality but thinking they're way cool.

Warning: This song, also featuring Lady Gaga, isn't about an NBA Trading 3-way...if you get my drift. It did air on SNL but the subject matter is still risqué. If that's going to offend you or get you fired from work, Sam Tongue and Chris Lucia will both be posting this weekend, plus Ben will have the usual news posts as they happen. You may want to skip past the video and the song. But if you're down, you can CLICK HERE to watch the video, then play it again in the background when you know the tune well enough to sub in our NBA Trade lyrics.

So now, for everyone who's ever played internet GM and dreamed, put on your rust-colored shirts and sing along with "3-Way: The Golden Trade".





3-Way: The Golden Trade

GM #1 in regular type.....GM #2 in italics.....Potential Victim GM #3 in bold


Makin' that deal

The league says hi...jinx!


Lots of "Yeah's" and "No's" (presumably when on the phone discussing potential deals)


Summertime in the big leagues and everybody's makin' trades

.. You know I just got a call from a GM I met last week on the linkedin (network)

I also have a GM to call who loves the way I talk nice and smooth

.. Well it's time to Mack, let's handle that

.. In two-to-six hours we'll meet back and regroup

Now let's hoop!


Roll up to the phone for a conference call

.. I'm gonna get me the next King James

Now hold up player, what you diggity-doing here?

.. I should diggity ask you the same!


Then he sang

Hey, boys your trade won't fly, the poor other guy gets screwed

Say Word?

Too bad you guys can't make it happen

But he forgot about the Golden Rule


It's OK when it's in a three-way

It all plays when it's in a three-way

With a sucker in the middle there's some leeway

The area's gray in a 1-2-3-way


Normally I couldn't get a star

.. giving up just my trade exception


Never could sniff a high draft pick

.. for the 49 and 50 selections


Trade on!


Here on the ‘net

.. Here on the 'net

It's hard to tell

.. so hard to tell

Where common sense ends

.. No, no...

And huge rip-offs begin

.. Hoo-whee!!!

This rule dates back

.. The Golden Rule

To Ancient Greece

.. talkin' about L. Coon

A hundred masochistic GM's

.. are waiting to get fleeced


You guys, I'd get fired.


It's OK when it's in a three-way

It all plays when it's in a three-way

With a sucker in the middle there's some leeway

The area's gray in a 1-2-3-way


GM's...get ready

To clear up your cap

Offer lots of crap

Offer lots of crap

Offer lots of crap

To clear up your cap

You just offer lots of crap


And all of that was OK cuz it was in a three-way

Make 'em buy up your garbage like it's e-Bay (Boom!)

"Baby that's just insane," that's what they'll say

But we'll make it work with a 1-2-3-way


The Golden Trade