Well, it’s that time of year again. As the season comes to a close it’s time to start thinking about individual accolades for exceptional performance: Most Valuable Player, Coach of the Year, 6th Man of the Year, All-NBA stars.
In this spirit, I hope that we will all take a few moments to recognize another group of NBA titans — the heavily tattooed, dull-witted bebblebrains that make the NBA so unpopular with so many thinking Americans. Yes, it is time to acknowledge the truly Special players of league — the All-NBA Moron Squad.
So many choices, so little time… Here are my picks for the All-NBA Mega-Moron First Team:
POINT GUARD: It has to be unanimous, does it not? Who else was making $20.8M this season to ride pine because he was too big of a distraction for the New York freaking Knicks? (Wrap your head around that concept if you can!) I speak, of course, of the clueless and incoherent STEPHON MARBURY, now adding his unique chemistry and fashion-sense to the ever-lovable Boston Celtics in a backup capacity. The only thing “star” about this schmuck is the tattoo on his skull…
SHOOTING GUARD: Joe Dumars probably told someone over dinner that this guy is a pain in the butt and it got back to him and gave him a bright idea… He doesn’t like practice and he doesn’t like the regular season or playoffs either. If he can’t start (and get a chance to jack up his obligatory 35 shots to score the 30 points that will make him the darling of SportsCenter for another day), well, he ain’t playin’… Weighing in at (WOW, WHAT A COINCIDENCE) $20.8 Million greenbacks is everybody’s favorite sleevetatted gangsta, ALLEN H. IVERSON. Say a prayer for good old AH, he is so incapacitated by his back “injury” that he won’t even be able to sit on the bench with the team…
SMALL FORWARD: At only $7.4 Million this season, he’s a veritable bargain. That’s because he’s already been marked down for being seriously damaged… I like his toughness and still manage to hate every single thing about his game. He’s ironically both a gunner and a loose cannon that will end up sinking the ship (that’s some kind of a daily double!), we can only hope that this happens sooner rather than later. Yes, it’s Ron “I’m Still Ghetto” Artest!
POWER FORWARD: I don’t care if you liked him when he was a Blazer – this jackass is to team chemistry what acetic acid is to sodium bicarbonate. If only he had his pal Bonzi by his side, he could truly operate at his maximum potential. He jacks ‘em up shamelessly because that’s where his bread is buttered, baby. Hauling down a modest $13.9 Million this season, he’s a winning personality on a soon-to-be losing team – and it really couldn’t happen to a nicer guy... Yes, of course, I speak of Nike's dreamy Rasheed “Hashweed” Wallace.
CENTER: Two words sum it up for this preposterous preening poofter: HAIR GEL. Always on the lookout for a camera, this freakish fiesta of fun seems to have moved on from abusing mysterious substances to spreading them on his head. The dull look in his eyes simply screams “Carbona, Not Glue." (Actually, he reminds me of the half-wit son on the British sitcom "My Family"). He’s such a cutie that he has different hairstyles, which he cutely gives cute names, a predilection which has put the media lapdogs into full dinner-gobble mode over this turkey. I give you (and please take him) my friend “Tweety” – Denver’s backup pivotman Chris “Please Don’t Point and Laugh, It Hurts My Feelings” Andersen.
Well, those are my picks, let’s hear yours…
