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What You Can Tell About a Guy...

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Between Terry Porter, the “Name One Player to Return” post, and the podcast we’ve been talking a fair bit about favorite Blazers this week.  Then I read this article about how you can tell a ton about your guy by what he orders in a restaurant.  The serendipitous juxtaposition seemed too good to pass up.  So as a service to all of our female readers plus the spouses, significant others, and potential future dates of our male population, here’s an explanation of everything you need to know about a Blazer fan judging by his favorite player.  Use it productively.

 

Please note that while these descriptions are inspired by certain players, they are about the guys who would claim these players as their favorite, not about the players themselves.

 

Geoff Petrie:  This guy is classic, elegant, with old-school charm.  He’s smart and a straight-shooter.  Great relationship potential here.

 

Sidney Wicks:  This guy looks really good but he’s self-centered and difficult to get along with.  You'll be impressed in the early going but your eyes are sure to be rolling soon.  Beware that you don’t get buyer’s remorse.

 

Bill Walton:  Your man is a high achiever and competitive, but also somewhat off the beaten path to the point of being flaky.  He lives for the moment so you’re going to have to take it like it comes.

 

Maurice Lucas:  This guy is a man’s man…a tough guy.  He’s direct, forward, and doesn’t take any bull.  If you like a guy who takes care of business, this is your man.

 

Bob Gross:  Your guy has a blue-collar, mechanic attitude.  When something needs to be done he’s going to do it and do it well.  Because of that he’ll inspire quiet admiration, but not necessarily envy, in those around you.

 

Jim Paxson:  This is the ultimate safe guy…the accountant-type.  He’ll always provide for his family and never let you down.  The sweater vests may be a little bit much to take after a while though.

 

Mychal Thompson:  He’s the life of the party with a real sense of humor.  He’s a people person and likes to please others even if that means putting aside his own convictions for a while.

 

Kiki Vandeweghe:  This is your loveable dork that you probably said no to dating a half dozen times until he somehow charmed you into it.  Once you get into the relationship though you’ll find that his production can be…surprising.

 

Clyde Drexler:  Your guy is a shining star in public…a real dream date that will make you the envy of your friends.  He’s in the sweet spot in terms of what the culture says a guy should be.  Behind the scenes details may slip a little and you may become frustrated that his private attentions don’t always live up to the public glory.

 

Terry Porter:  Your man is low key and unassuming, but very insightful and competent.  He can change the baby’s diaper, fix the car, cook you dinner, and nibble your ear in just the right way.  You won't be disappointed.

 

Buck Williams:  Here’s your knight in shining armor:  strong, chivalrous, a real stand-up guy.  He’s the kind of man who would stop by the side of the road to help a stranded motorist.  Your sons will look up to him.

 

Jerome Kersey:  Your guy is the sizzling, explosive type.  He’s a little bit of a wildcard and a party animal.  He’s not someone you’d trust completely, but he’s a heck of a lot of fun and life isn’t dull with him.

 

Kevin Duckworth:  Your man is quite lovable, but also impulsive.  He’ll spend your last $300 for the month on an Xbox 360 but he’ll be so cute and happy to have it that you won’t be mad for long.

 

Cliff Robinson:  He’s a little bit of a bad boy, but he’s so good at what he does at work and at home that you don’t really mind it.  He’ll be his own man but he’s far enough in bounds that it makes sense to play along.

 

Rod Strickland:  He’s sharp, slick, and well-connected.  He cuts a fine figure and when he walks into the room everybody is his friend.  He’s a little too slick sometimes though and you can never be sure if you mean something special to him or you’re just another one of his sales jobs.  He'll sometimes make the easy decision over the right one.

 

Rasheed Wallace:  This guy is independent, headstrong to a fault, and vocal about it.  He’s easily offended and he won’t suffer injustice.  His passion will extend to you but it will also spill over at unexpected, and sometimes unwanted, times.  You have to accept what drives him and take the bad with the good.

 

Brian Grant:  This guy is laid back, easy-going, with a constant smile on his face…unless you provoke him that is.  It takes a lot to work him up but once he’s there he doesn’t back down from anyone for anything.  He’ll be completely loyal to those he loves.

 

Scottie Pippen:  He’s an overachiever, a businessman, and a father-figure all wrapped up in one.  Your man is the consummate professional and is going to get whatever he wants from the world.  As long as he wants you, you’re good.  Beware that his ambition doesn’t overleap you though.

 

Arvydas Sabonis:  Your man is solid, giving, and plays well with others.  He moves at his own pace though and nothing is going to change that.  He will become frustrated with people and events that are out of step with him.

 

Zach Randolph:  Just run.  Now.

 

Brandon Roy:  You have a diamond in the rough on your hands.  He’s surprisingly competent at everything he tries without that arrogance possessed by so many men who are good at what they do.  Everyone will love your man but once committed he'll be all yours.

 

Lamarcus Aldridge:  Your man is adventurous and hard to pin down.  He’s charismatic and basically good at heart.  He’s a work in progress, though, and both of you have to avoid the temptation to leap too far too fast.

 

Sergio Rodriguez:  Your guy has a ton of potential, a free spirit, inspiration, and a young heart.  His head is in the clouds though and you may have trouble focusing him on the day-to-day practicalities of a relationship.  Be warned:  he may have trouble with finishing too quickly.

 

Greg Oden:  Your man has a keen eye for the fine things but also the sense to be careful how he gets them.  He’s older than his years indicate.  He’s also driven and he won’t be stopped short of his goals.

 

Obviously it’s impossible for me to list every potential favorite.  I tried to pick players who have been mentioned a lot or who seem likely to be beloved by a significant number of guys.  If your favorite wasn’t mentioned, list him in the comment section below and we’ll try to add a description.

--Dave (blazersub@yahoo.com)