As you all know, the Blazers pulled the trigger on a deal yesterday, sending the terminally-amusing and hard-nosed Taurean Green to Denver for guard Von Wafer.
Here are Wafer's career stats if you need them.
Having watched him throughout Summer League this past year I can tell you a couple of things:
- He's got an average body and his athleticism is decent but probably not his main strength.
- He's very capable of hitting the long ball despite what those career stats say.
- He's able to influence the game with his offense. (Whether he ever gets the confidence and time to do it at the NBA level is a different matter.)
I have seen a few people shrugging shoulders at this deal, maybe even questioning whether it matters. How soon we forget the genius of our General Manager. O ye of little faith! In performing our due diligence Blazersedge has uncovered the following about Von Wafer, some of which may or may not influence your opinion of the trade:
First of all, as a sign of respect you must always describe him as "Von Wafer", never using his first name alone. Nicknames such as "`Nilla" and "Baron Von Wafer" are also acceptable as long as they are used with affection. "VFW" (for "Von Freakin' Wafer") is allowed. It also stands for "Veterans of Foreign Wars" but since he has played for both L.A. teams and Denver that applies somewhat.
Second, as should have become apparent to you in tonight's game, Von Wafer's influence extends far beyond his playing time and stats. The repeated mention of his name alone brought us the five extra points we needed to pull out the otherwise ugly game against Seattle. In addition to that, we have it from good sources that the following are true:
--Because of Von Wafer the sun will stay up two hours later tomorrow evening, that all of Seattle may more clearly see us tan their hides.
--Because of Von Wafer the Blazers' annual charity coat drive will no longer be necessary, as all children in need will now grow soft and attractive fur during the winter months, the better to protect them from cold.
--Von Wafer will immediately cure six people in the greater Portland area of otherwise embarrassing social diseases.
--Because of Von Wafer any smog that hovers around downtown during the summer months will smell like Apple Spice air freshener.
--Jail overcrowding will cease as all extra inmates will now stay at Von Wafer's apartment...and they will be good.
--Because of Von Wafer all Portland bicyclists will now have the power to levitate in midair whenever evil people in cars infringe upon their God-given right to ride anywhere they please.
--Because of Von Wafer all Portland Zoo animals will reproduce at double their normal rate and all of their offspring will be terminally handsome.
--Because of Von Wafer all MAX trains will have a dual-gravity system allowing people to sit on the floor and ceiling both.
--Because of Von Wafer the night sky over Portland will come equipped with an OMSI-like planetarium show, playing at 8, 10, and midnight every Friday and Sunday.
--Because of Von Wafer all microbrew mugs will automatically refill upon emptying.
--Because of Von Wafer halitosis is a thing of the past.
--Von Wafer is buying everybody a Toyota Tundra whether they can hit the halfcourt shot or not.
--Von Wafer is also personally distributing to every Rose Garden patron glasses with dials that adjust the skimpiness of Blazer Dancer costumes from "Five-Year-Old Safe" to "ZA-ZA-ZA-WOWZA!"
--The Honeybee depletion will reverse as they pollinate in Von Wafer's footsteps.
--The sound of Von Wafer's voice will bestow upon every couple within earshot the equivalent of three months of good marital counseling.
--Thanks to Von Wafer all of those people who have to "Go, Go, Go in their Hover'round" will have lives far more like the commercial.
--Because of Von Wafer the barista in that trendy coffee shop will smile at you and actually mean it.
--Most importantly...every picture for every significant achievement posted on ESPN.com will be of Von Wafer.
So you see, this wasn't such a bad deal after all when you take everything into consideration...
Please welcome the man, the myth...The Great Von Wafer!