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You Asked the Bat Phone; the Bat Phone Answers

Before we get to the best of the best text questions and answers, here are a few stats about the Bat Phone's first 24 hours (#s through Thursday morning):

  • 55 text messages
  • 12 picture messages
  • 2 website plugs: and
  • 8 normal voicemails, including Blogfather's.
  • 1 angry diatribe voicemail about how the Blazers will not succeed in the playoffs because we are "too deep" and "you don't need a bench in the playoffs."
  • 1 message notifying me, "You're now registered for the LA Lakers Courtside Connection, you can now sign up ...."  Well played, Laker fan, well played.
Thanks to everyone who took the time to contribute.  Now on to the Q's and A's.


Q: Joel Przybilla, the Vanilla Gorilla, is king of the BE Jungle!

Q: Why was Przy not playing towards the end of the fourth last night?  He was doing so well and we needed the rebounds...

Q: "Can we finally start calling Joel, "Przybizness"?

Dave:  Every coaching move is a risk.  We might have won with Przybilla in there.  We might have lost by 5 instead of 1.  It does make sense to me, though, that if you're going to run time off of the clock offensively you'd go ahead and go with a bigger lineup instead of the smaller scoring squad.

As for Przybizness, that's OK, but I prefer The Grand Przy.

Ben: This was only a small sampling of the Joel Przybilla love.  What is it about Joel that makes people feel comfortable expressing their feelings for him in the privacy of the Bat Phone and not on the public website? I'm surprised there hasn't yet been a group of Przybilla diehards calling for Joel's starting spot back.  Based solely on the merits, there's no question he deserves it.  As for "Przybizness" -- I'm down.  Make it so.

Q: There is nothing I hate more than the sound of a child laughing and the Lakers.

Ben: What about the sound of Lakers laughing?  Isn't that worse.  I think it's worst.  Overall, I'm a lot cooler with laughing children than I am with the Lakers but that's because I don't live with any children so I can turn them off and tune them out pretty easily.  But the Lakers... they exist deep in the darkest corners of my soul.  They never, ever go away.  In their little yellow costumes.  AAGHH

Dave: That is like saying you kind of dislike croutons and mass murder.

Q: Is it wrong to worry that the Blazers' encouraging start to the season will crumple, similar to after The Streak last year? -- CaptainSexyJacob

Dave: Probably not accurate.  For one thing I was telling everybody last year that the Blazers still wouldn't make the playoffs because of their experience, the way they were winning, etc.  This year they're playing more solid and the team is deeper also.  These wins are legit.  You might see them lose 2-3 in a row sometime, but you won't see them collapse.

Ben: Just like that dream you had last night about sleeping with your mailwoman: it's not wrong, but it's not right, but it's not really under your control.  We are to the draft lottery as Don Corleone is to the Mafia; just when you think we're out, they pull us right back in.  It's been so long, we're conditioned to expect the failure.  

But the degree to which we are "loaded" in comparison to last year is almost incalculable.  This team is light years better than last year, mentally, physically, on and off the court.  Last year's crumple was not surprising to anyone in the organization; this year's success also doesn't seem to be surprising many people.  That speaks volumes.

Q: Turkoglu and Okur both hit ugly game winners in the same night?  Somebody in Turkey is really rubbing that magic lamp -- Dhustle in SF

Ben: Thanks Dhustle.  Now the Bat Phone is going to be tapped by the Feds. 

Q: I am very ashamed to admit that I wore Chicago Bulls gear to the first day of school in sixth grade in 1991. Please forgive me Bedge Bat Phone. -- Tweener

Dave: That is a grave sin.  It requires a stiff penance.  Go to a coffee shop or bakery and buy yourself a large chocolate chip cookie.  Take the cookie home, sit on the couch, and eat it while thinking about what you have done.  Once the Cookie of Contrition has been consumed you will be cleansed.

Q: I'm a former Seatteite living in LA and I want so badly to root for the Blazers but feel guilty... you all have so much Seattle blood and I'm heartbroken over the loss of my precious Sonics.  How can I learn to love you and not feel like I'm stabbing my hometown in the back?

Ben: Read this Portland Monthly article from October.  Then watch us play a few more times and/or do a mind experiment where you pretend you're Rudy Fernandez floating in the air, dunking alley oops through cloud rings as Sergio tosses you ball after ball.  That should do it.  Matter of fact, that should absolutely be an arcade game.

Q: Do you blame the last minute of the game on Roy choking into the trap?

Dave: No.  I blame it on Ben's new afro-perm, which he got just prior to this game.  It's very late-run Mike Brady.  It's also cursing the Blazers and everything associated with them.  Hedo's shot goes in.  Quick and Oden are fighting.  Dwight Jaynes got wrinkles.  Shave the afro, Ben!

Ben: I blame it on my barber.

Q: We need to get a fund together to get a huge banner for the Xmas game that reads "Comcast Stop Holding Blazers Hostage" ... a sign the whole row has to hold.

Ben: I have been blown away by how LITTLE anti-Comcast noise I've seen at the Rose Garden.  So I'm going to extend an open offer to everyone.  If you are mad at Comcast and/or the satellite companies and plan to bring a sign to the Garden (whether it's just you or a group of people, it doesn't matter), email me to let me know and we can coordinate some pictures and a Q and A.  Yes, this means that Blazers fans have now entered the "public displays of non-violent protest" stage of this cable conflict.  I am happy to help get your message out.

Q: Bayless has been testing the fences for weaknesses.

Ben: Congratulations.  Great reference.  Best text.  You absolutely win the first round of the BE Bat Phone Text-off.


Now, for some Frequently Asked Bat Phone Questions....

If I call the Bat Phone, will anyone pick up?

No!  It's a Bat Phone message receiving device. I will not answer the phone.

Should I call the Bat Phone and not leave a voicemail message?

No!  That is a waste of everyone's time.  Man (or woman) up and leave a voicemail.  If it turns out to be lame, the message will stay between you, me and the Bat Phone.  I won't judge you.  I don't think the Bat Phone will judge you. You shouldn't judge yourself.

Will you keep my phone number and/or name confidential?

Absolutely.  Even if you act like a jerk.  if you purposefully left a name or nickname, we will include that.

What are the Bat Phone's hours of operation.

24 hours a day.  Express yourself on your schedule.

Should I contact the Bat Phone during and/or after tonight's game (and every other game) with humorous observations and questions.

Please stop asking rhetorical questions that you already know the answer to. Of course you should.


-- Ben