Ladies and Gentlemen we are proud to announce the advent of a brand-new NBA blog called Falsehoop! No longer will you have to suffer wondering about what's coming around the corner, what's transpiring behind the scenes, or whether that latest rumor you heard has any legs. Falsehoop will give it to you straight, exactly like it is. We have more connections than a Peacock Lane Christmas display and more insight than Dr. Phil at an A.A. meeting. I guarantee once you've read Falsehoop you won't need to read anything else ever again.
Somehow I'm having trouble finding the link so you'll have to make do with the following juicy tidbits quoted from the site:
--Darius Miles will voluntarily accept medical retirement this fall because he realizes that's what's best for the team and he's always been about self-awareness and sacrifice for the common good. His agent is not only allowing it, he's encouraging it, even though that means he'll never get another piece of an NBA contract from this client again. Agents are good-hearted guys, you know.
--The Blazers are going to be major players in the free agent market in the next couple of years. Of course they don't want to use up all their mid-level exceptions because then they won't have cap room for a big move in 2009, but all the big-name NBA players have the same assessment of the team Portland fans do and they're more than willing to forfeit tens of millions of dollars to come play here. There's never been a more attractive 32-win team in the history of the NBA.
--Every second round pick and European player is going to pan out, giving us the deepest roster in the history of forever. We'll go at least 17 deep. Because of Nate McMillan's coaching brilliance and Kevin Pritchard's master plan all 17 of those guys will be happy with their playing time and none of them will score fewer than 15 points per game.
--Zach Randolph will indeed turn over a new leaf in New York as he has promised. When he says, "Don't judge me on my past...I'm starting with a clean slate" it's completely different than when Bonzi Wells said it or Ruben Patterson said it or Shawn Kemp said it or J.R. Rider said it.
--And by the way, as ESPN radio host Colin Cowherd told us yesterday morning, all of Zach's off-court problems came because he lived in Portland. It's true that only people in Portland or Indiana get in trouble because there's nothing to do in either place. P-Town is the most boringest city ever. What person under 26 hasn't been in trouble with the law multiple times? The students at Western Conservative Theological Baptist Seminary were seen street racing through Mount Tabor last week and the sisters at Mount Angel have a rap sheet six miles long, including being on the fringes of several shootings. Portland really is a hotbed of boredom-induced crime. If we'd just install a mega-mall with a roller coaster inside all of our problems would be solved. You'd be amazed how a few Orange Juliuses keep all the kids out of trouble.
--Both Jarrett Jack and Sergio Rodriguez are the ideal point guards for this team. In fact next summer they plan to merge into one, super point guard called Sergiack. He will have great size and a winning attitude but be able to run and flip passes on a dime. This will also open another roster spot for one of those big-name free agents to sign for the league minimum.
--Despite the six superstar small forwards who will inevitably join the team, we are going to retain both Travis Outlaw and Ime Udoka because Travis dunks hard and may eventually fulfill his potential and who doesn't like Ime? This way nobody will turn in their season tickets in disgust because we dumped their favorite player.
--Whenever we make a mistake in signing a contract from now on (or are forced to take a bad one in trade) it's a given that the players involved are going to release us from our obligation by voluntarily giving up all of the remaining years in the deal but one and then letting us buy them out for pennies on the dollar. NBA players just don't feel right if they're not earning the money they're paid. Another tip of the hat here to those kind-hearted agents as well.
--Despite the Blazers' stellar improvement this season and their corresponding lack of draft picks Kevin Pritchard is going to pull another rabbit out of the hat next year and make us major players in the talent-rich 2008 draft. Since things are going to go incredibly well and we'll get no worse than the fourth seed in the West we're going to be out of the ping-pong ball race. But Pritchard will bypass the lottery altogether and make an amazing trade for the little-known #0 pick, which precedes all of the others.
--The Blazers will start the season five games ahead of everyone else in their division because our Summer League team will do so well that the league will be astonished and award us five free wins before the season even starts.
--You heard it here first: Raef LaFrentz and a 2010 second-rounder for Kevin Garnett. Book it.