Zach Randolph: You were kind of a mess to deal with. I liked your post play, but I usually frowned on your 30 footers. It does feel odd to have you leave. My roommate called you the "baby-headed Blazer." I don't know that anyone will get a better nickname from her for years to come.

Freddy Jones: I had to have oral surgery this morning and I still think you had the worst day of the two of us. By far.

Dan Dickau: I know it's irrational, but whenever I saw you line up for the lay-up drill I always thought I was in better shape than you. You know what? I kind of still do.

Derrick Byars: You were a Blazer for about thirty seconds, but I still got excited. I'm inexplicably kind of angry at you.

A Big Pile of Cash: You will be missed least of all, because our front office wizardry has turned you into valuable assets. Plus, I never so much as got a sniff of you.


Greg Oden: You are met with open arms. Our city hopes to cater to your every need. Please allow me to throw my jacket over that puddle for you.

Steve Francis: My sister, who barely knows a thing about basketball, has already called you Steve Fran-cyst twice.

Channing Frye: Whoa! You are lanky. Lankier than I originally imagined. I hope you are really good, because you are the front-runner to be the next to receive a funny nickname from my roommate.

Rudy Fernandez: Everyone says you could be the next Ginobli. Well, I know people have mixed feelings about Manu (at best) but I once saw him practically break Kobe Bryant's knees with a sick cross-over before hurdling over D-Fish and missing a lay-up. If you can pull off a move that is 1/1000th as cool as that, you were so totally worth that pile of cash.

Petteri Koponen: Finland, eh? I know nothing about your homeland. If you can do eight dimes a night, I guarantee that changes.

Josh McRoberts: I hope you prove me wrong, but you look to me like the kind of guy who will get dunked on over and over and over and over. I just pray you don't have that special skill for fouling someone as they dunk on you. I wish we would have taken Byars. Oh, wait.

Taurean Green: My feelings towards you are good, but I think they stem not from any knowledge of your game so much as they do from the confidence I have in your name. It is a really good basketball name.

Demetris Nichols: You were not on my radar. I would look you up if I weren't so busy watching Greg Oden highlights. Best of luck, anyway.