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Player-by-Player: Darius Miles

Today's subject is congruent with OregonLive's "You Be the GM" survey--the only time that's going to happen.  The subject today is one Darius Miles and I figured we didn't need TWO off-season discussions about him.  Ooop!  And here come our debaters now.



Cartman:  Kenny!  Kenny!  I'm glad I caught up to you! :::wheeze, wheeze, wheeze:::  Let me catch my breath!  :::wheeze, wheeze, wheeze:::

Kenny:  Mmmmmph hmmm hmmm mmmph mmm muh-hum?

Cartman:  Wait a second.  :::wheeze, wheeze, wheeze:::  OK.  There we go.  Kenny!  Kenny!  Guess what I got in my hands?

Kenny:  Mmmph hum?

Cartman:  No!  Guess!

Kenny:  Mmmph hum.

Cartman:  I'll give you a hint.  It's round and long and really cool stuff comes out of it!

Kenny:  (snickers)  Hmmmph hum hum?

Cartman:  OK, OK, I'll tell you!  It's a poster holder with a poster of the coolest NBA player ever inside.  I'm going to hang it up on the wall right above my bed so every night as I go to sleep I can visualize being him.  They say if you visualize something as you lie in bed you have a better chance of becoming it!

Kenny:  Hmmmph hum hum mmmhumph hmmm?

Cartman:  No, I don't think you're going to become Heidi Klum.

Kenny:  Hmm hum hmmph hum!

Cartman:  No, I'm not going to become a lonely farm animal either!  What are you talking about Kenny?

Kenny:  Hmmm hum.  Humm hmmm humph?

Cartman:  OK...brace yourself.  His name is Darius Miles.

Kenny:  Hum-hum-humph Humph?

Cartman::  Yes, Darius Miles.  He plays for the Portland Trailblazers.  And he is soooo super-sweet awesome it's not even funny.  Remember that time when we went to the water park and cut in line in front of the Make a Wish kids and then we egged them from the log flume as we passed by?  He is cooler than that.

Kenny:  Hmmm hum hmmph hum hum hum?

Cartman:  Well, he used to do these awesome dunks and bop his head and stuff, but that was a long time ago.  You can see it in the poster here.  But now look at him in this picture from the paper.

Kenny:  Hmmmph humm!

Cartman:  HE IS NOT FAT KENNY!  It's a glandular condition.  Have some sensitivity.  Besides, those extra pounds are the key to his success.

Kenny:  Hmmm hum?

Cartman: OK, get this.  Because he hurt his knee and gained all of those extra pounds, he can't play basketball anymore.  So now he just sits around all day doing nothing.  No exercises, no shooting, no work at all!  Nothing!  And here's the best part: they still have to pay him.  Even if he retires they still have to pay him.  Even if he never gets off his couch for the rest of his life they still have to pay him.  Think of it Kenny.  Eight million dollars a year for doing nothing!  For eight million dollars we could buy the water park and charge those line-cutting Make a Wish kids TRIPLE to get in!  And then we could not let them ride until we're done riding and want to go get waffle cones.  And we could kick them off when we get back and make them clean up the waffle cone crumbs.

Kenny: Hum humph hum hum humph hum hum.

Cartman:  Of course he deserves the money Kenny!  What are you talking about?

Kenny:  Humm hum humph humph hum humph.

Cartman:  Look, just because your family is so poor that you can't imagine getting eight dollars, let alone eight MILLION dollars, doesn't mean you should kill the dreams of those of us who can.  We're visionaries, Kenny.  That's something you poor kids will never understand.

Kenny:  Hum humph hum hum hum humph humph!

Cartman:  I'll explain it slowly, Kenny.  He deserves it because he's the player.  The team owes him.  They promised when they signed the contract.  You can't just promise to pay someone and then not pay them.  That's responsibility, Kenny.

Kenny:  Hmmph hum hum HUM hum hmmph hum?

Cartman:  What do you MEAN, "What about his responsibility"?  Don't you know ANYTHING?  That's why there are unions, to keep people from putting unfair responsibilities on people like Darius and me.  We're labor visionaries, Kenny.  We're making the world better for all the workers.

Kenny:  Humm hum humph hmmmph hum hum-hmmph hum humph.

Cartman:  Of course that's what unions are for!  You'd know that if your dad could keep a job more than two minutes!  If we don't defend the right of the common man to sit on his couch all day eating cheesy-poofs and playing video games who will Kenny?  Who will?

Kenny:  Hum hmmph.

Cartman:  Laugh if you will, but you won't think it's so funny when they put up a statue of me and Darius Miles on main street and we drive by it in our limousine.  

Kenny:  Hmmph hum hum hmmmph-hum hum hmmmph.

Cartman:  They won't either have to widen the street!  Stop making fun of our glandular problem!  We can't help it if God made us this way!

Kenny:   Hum humph hum-hum humph.

Cartman:  Why would we want to exercise?  That's the whole point!  Anything you have to work for isn't worth anything.  Only the things you get for free matter.  You cruise by on your natural talent until it runs out and then make people pay you for what you used to be.  That's the American dream, Kenny.

Kenny:  Hmmph hum hum hmmph hum hum hmmmph?

Cartman:  Yes...I suppose they could force us to come in to work anyway.  But that is the best part of the plan.  If we get all grumpy and angry and disruptive there's no way they'll want us coming back.  Think of it Kenny!  It's like a license to be as rude as we want and not care about anything or anyone but ourselves, and we get paid for it!  Could there be anything better?

Kenny:  Humph-humph hmmm?

Cartman:  No, Heidi Klum would NOT be better!  I'm through talking to you Kenny!  Remember to knock on my window and offer to squeegee my windshield when I drive by in the limousine.  If you do a good job I might give you a whole dollar.  And then I could drive by eight...million...times every year!  SWEEEEEET!

Well, I suppose in a way it would be.  Hmmmm...  What do you think of the Darius Miles predicament?  Will he ever be back in a Blazer uniform?  Do you want him back in a Blazer uniform?  Would his talent--or whatever is left of it--outweigh the negatives?  Hack away below and don't forget to vote at OregonLive as well.

--Dave (