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Player-by-Player: Jamaal Magloire

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Since we're talking about a big guy today, we brought in a guest who ought to know.

                                   

It's a runnin' league they say.  It's getting' smaller they say.  Quick guys, speedy guys, that's who everyone wants.  But when the other guy is scorin' on you and ya need somebody to clog up the lane and grab a rebound, who you gonna come cryin' to?  That's right.  The big guys.  When somebody else is pushin' you around and the big bad wolf is knockin' down yer house who ya gonna hide behind and ask to bail you out?  That's right.  The big guys.  Big, ugly, slow, misunderstood ogres that ya won't give the time o' day to until you need a knuckle sandwich shoved down somebody's throat.  Then you love us.  Then we're your heroes.  Bah!  Wake up and stop takin' us for granted.

It doesn't matter how the game changes, this is basketball.  Let me spell that for you, tiny:  bas-ket-balllllll.  You need a big man to play a big man's game.  What kind of name is Sergio anyway?  Sounds like a ballad singer.  Or an underwear model.  Oh, and you just looooooove that little Brandon Roy guy with his duckin' here and his dartin' there.  But can they grab a rebound one-handed?  Can they throw down a single-armed, blindfold dunk and then use their off-arm to lay a pork chop right across the face of the sap who tried to get in their way?  Ha!  I'd like to see one of your skinny little petunia sniffers try THAT!  And I'd like to see ya play without somebody who could!  You'd be back hidin' under Baby Bear's bed in less than a week.  And who sets the pick that frees up your precious little sprinkled dumpling in the first place, eh?  And what thanks do we get?  Nothin', that's what.

So I don't want to hear any more complainin' about movin' slow or droppin' the ball or missin' free throws.  Big guys play mean, they play ugly, and they like it that way.  That's how you get fourteen rebounds per forty-eight minutes.  That's how you shoot fifty percent over other big, ugly guys.  So what if we threaten to break the backboard with our hook shots?  You'll be lucky if we don't decide to break it with yer face next.  That's how you win.  If you want pretty, buy a ticket to the ballet.  If you want to see basketball, a big guy just might be worth the price of admission, genius.

                                   

Hold on, hold on, hold oooooonnnn a minute there my giant green friend.  You may know about bein' ugly.  You may know about bein' mean.  But this is hoops we're talkin' about, and if there's one thing I know, it's hoops!  And it's time to face reality.  Let's see...you're big, you're green...uh huh, let's look that up.  Hmmm...just as I thought...sounds an awful lot like a dinosaur.  And you can play your ol' dinosaur ball all day long but that's not where it's at.  It's about bein' quick, bein' speedy, havin' the MOVES!  Play me straight up and I'll score on you to the left, I'll score on you to the right, I'll put the ball between all FOUR of my legs and end up kissin' it off the glass while you're kissin' my tail.  You can't get no rebounds when I already laid it in TWICE before you even got past halfcourt.  My game's reFINED...streamLINED...and you done stank while I done SHINED.  I got shots so sweet they'll rot your teeth out.  (And by the looks of things you can't spare any.)  I got passes so hot they'll melt those oversized mitts of yours like butter.  I got moves so dazzling that Cinderella came by to pick up some and sewed them on that gown of hers.  She done blinded EVERYBODY at the big dance too!  So you keep playin' that ball-droppin', court-poundin', boring-as-granny's-knickers style you're so good at.  I'm streaky, I'm freaky, I glide like Clyde and stroke like Kiki.  And me and my forty-two inch vertical leap will take you out to lunch and leave you payin' the tab while you and the waiter try to figure out what just happened.  THAT'S the future of this league.  Watch me now!  WHOOOP!  There I went.  Didn't see it?  WHOOP!  There I went again.  I'm good...SO good...

Well, we do appear to have a slight contrast in styles here.  Philosophies too.  That's probably at the crux of the Jamaal argument.  What style do you want to play?  Do you need a Jamaal?  If so, is he worth the money he's going to command?  Here are his stats.  You know the things he does well and the things he doesn't.  Under what circumstances do you keep him?  Register your thoughts below.

--Dave (blazersub@yahoo.com)