As discussed in the Quick Chat and confirmed by Helen Jung and the Oregonian, the Blazers' presidential race is still wide open. With the exit of Steve Miller from contention and the news that David Stern is helping with the selection process everyone is abuzz about who the candidates may be. Blazersedge has done some investigative reporting and obtained, from a source who wishes to remain anonymous, a complete list of potential candidates. Leaking this info may strain our relationship with the team but when you get information like this and have a chance to get national attention there's no real choice.
Click below to see the names under consideration.
Steve Miller
Strengths: Smooth, buttery voice.
Weaknesses: Reportedly was a joker, a smoker, AND a midnight toker.
Quote: I'm gonna...go on, take the money, and run. Well, except for the "taking the money" part.
William Shatner
Strengths: Bold, independent leader. Knows how to work with Vulcans.
Weaknesses: Approximately 600,000 years old.
Quote: We can get great free agents through Priceline.com. You just tell them how much you want to pay, charge it to your credit card, and they tell you which player you got! It's as simple as that.
Paris Hilton
Strengths: May be able to coax advertising out of local sponsors. (wink!) Also could single-handedly bail the team out of its financial woes.
Weaknesses: Spending the next month in jail for drunk driving. May not fit "the culture".
Quote: Joakim Noah with the first pick? That's hot!
George W. Bush
Strengths: Previous presidential experience.
Weaknesses: Previous presidential experience.
Quote: Our intelligence informs us that the Celtics have weapons of mass destruction. Therefore we have stopped trading with them. Also we just bombed the TD Banknorth Garden. Now THAT'S strategery!
Donald Trump
Strengths: Financial genius.
Weakness: May be the only executive in the league with worse hair than Kevin Pritchard.
Quote: OK...I'll trade you Jarrett Jack and that pink trapezoid building downtown for Marvin Williams. And a sandwich. I want a sandwich.
Timmy
Strengths: Has better people skills than the last guy who held the position.
Weaknesses: Keeps trying to broker a trade with San Antonio but they won't give up the only player he really wants.
Quote: Timmay! Timmay, Timmay, TIMMAY Timmay! Timmay Timmay, Timm-AY.
Mike Brady
Strengths: May be the only person better than Kevin Pritchard at upholding the culture.
Weaknesses: He's dead. And worse, he's wordy.
Quote: Now you see, Zach, sometimes it's not what we do that matters, but how people see what we do. You understand, son?
Oral Roberts
Strengths: Founded and administrates a sizeable university. May have a direct connection with someone who can help with that ping-pong thing.
Weaknesses: His name is "Oral".
Quote: We've GOT to get Kevin Durant, Amen? If we don't get a top two pick Juh-yee-sus is gonna call me home!
John Canzano
Strengths: Knows exactly what the team should be doing at all times.
Weaknesses: Could be overtaxed fulfilling the roles of president and columnist.
Quote: I can run the team and then write about myself? Now if I just had a camel, a feather duster, and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream all my dreams will have come true!
--Dave (blazersub@yahoo.com)