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Player-by-Player: Lamarcus Aldridge

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Today's subject, the final player to be discussed in this year-end Player-by-Player review, is Lamarcus Aldridge.  Seeing how Lamarcus got a 98% approval rating in OregonLive's "You Be the GM" Poll--a higher score than any other player (including Brandon Roy) and matched only by front office heartthrob Kevin Pritchard--we couldn't get anybody to come on and do a negative take for fear of inciting hate mail.  So we got a couple folks to chime in on one of the main questions surrounding Lamarcus...what position he plays.

To start out, an old Saturday Night Live alum:  Tommy Flanagan, the Pathological Liar.

                                       

Thank you, thank you all!  I'm not surprised you invited me to talk about Lamurcus Oldridge because I am a world famous expert on NBA basketball, having played center for the Detroit Pistons, point guard for the Los Angeles Lakers, and scoring forward for the New York Knicks.  Of course that was before my racectomy surgery and I was a 6'9", 14-year old black man at the time.  But never mind that, never mind that.  I know every player who's ever played in this league from Albert Adams to Zechariah Zzyzziwoski and I am here tonight to tell you that Lemorcus is definitely a center.  In no time will be banging with Shaq, boxing out Yao, and windmill dunking over Amare.  Yeah, that's the ticket!  Why just the other day I saw him grow four inches taller before my eyes!  He grew so fast that his shorts began to resemble the old style butt-huggers of the 70's.  Also he told me he looked forward to playing that position, because tall guys get all the love and all the women.  I've always said, if you can't get yourself some Tommy Flanagan an NBA center is the way to go.  Why just the other day I wrote on my "blog"--which gets 60 million hits a day, each from a unique user--that Lumercas would be the greatest center the league has known since...me!  Of course he won't be able to match my single-game scoring record of 890 points, all of which I scored while being guarded by Bill Russell, Wilt Chamberlain, and the back line of the 1975 Philadelphia Flyers.  But he can run fast enough that most big men shouldn't be able to stop him.  And that's my expert assessment.  Now I have to go because I have a date with Heather Graham and Sigourney Weaver.  They're going to massage my kneecaps while Miss Drew Barrymore feeds me grapes as I pen a peace agreement for the Iraq conflict while juggling three...no, no...SIX cans of sardines.  Yeah, that's the ticket!

Hmmm...I'm not sure what to make of that, but here come another couple of SNL alums to give us more perspective.

                               

I am Hans.  

Und I am Franz.  

Und ve just want to pump...you up!

Actually Franz, ve are here to talk about Lamarcus Aldridge und vether he can play da zenter.

Oh, Lamarcus.  Ve zee menny problems vor you if you play dis position.

Yah, indeed.  Dat is just silly!

How is a skinny, girly-man like you going to play in da pivot?

Yah.  You vill get eaten alive like da girly-man you are.

Look at those skinny, flabby arms!

Yah.  Vat do you verk out with, a toothpick?

You need to get big und bulky like ve are.

Believe us now und thank us later.  Ve vill be much better zenters than you!

Oh yah, for sure.  Stick with your girly-man power forward pozition.

Yah, und come crying to us ven ve get all da rebounds.

:::much grunting and flexing ensues:::

There.  Ve have shown you dat if you vant to play da zenter you need discipline!

Yah, do not be a flabby loser or you vill get pushed around by Kwame Brown.

Hear me now and write it down in your diary later...Kwame Brown vill dominate you und steal your girlfriend unless you start pumping da iron harder.

Franz?

Yah Hans?

Ven I flexed that last time I popped da ball.

You vere too strong for da ball.

Yah, it was a girly-ball.

A ball from da WNBA!

Yah, but do not fear, ball.

No, do not fear, little girly ball, because...

Ve are here to pump...you up!

Okay, okay...thanks.  That pretty much concludes our argume...what?  ANOTHER guest?  Well, it's a little unusual, but I guess we have time.  Ladies and gentlemen, The Subliminal Man.

                                   

Ahem.  Thank you.

Published reports speculate that the Portland Trailblazers (hot, young team) plan to start Lamarcus Aldridge (power forward) at the center position next year (stupid idea).  Aldridge has said he's comfortable at either position (big, fat lie) and relishes the challenge of facing NBA-level centers (getting face-pounded every night).  General Manager Kevin Pritchard (new Theo Epstein) says that Lamarcus' speed (skinny behind) gives the Blazers a running advantage (no rebounds) at the crucial center position.  This also allows the Blazers to keep Zach Randolph (Class "A" Booger-Head) as the starting power forward (cap sink), freeing him to play his usual game (taking all the shots).  With this bold plan (jury-rigged lineup) the Blazers hope to combine the best of the running and halfcourt games (muddled offense) and make a run at the playoffs (O.J. Mayo sweepstakes).  Nothing would make the fans happier (trading Zach).  Back to you, Dave.

Thanks Subliminal Man!

What??? Oh geez. OK...last one.

                                        

No center, Lamarcus!
Uppa wrong tree you barcus!
You shy twenty poundo
No bicepa, no reboundo!

Well, unless somebody thinks Lamarcus is going to be living in a van down by the river anytime soon I think that's about it. The conversation is now yours. I don't see where Lamarcus' stats weigh into this conversation but if you want them they're here.  What role do you see Lamarcus playing on this team?  Is he a center or power forward long term?  How long do you think he'll take to develop at either position?  Is switching him back and forth a possibility or is it unwise at his tender age?  Register your LMA thoughts below.

--Dave (blazersub@yahoo.com)