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Who Is Lenny Suckerpunch???

By Dave Deckard

My e-mail inbox has been crammed the last couple of days.  The most popular topics under discussion have been (in order):

  1.  Do I want herbal supplement enhancements?
  2.  Blazer playoff rants.
  3.  Who the sam heck is Lenny Suckerpunch anyway and what is he doing in the header?
Under the weight of popular demand I will provide an answer.  No, I do not want herbal supplements.  A newborn in the house severely curtails the need for them.

Oh wait...not THAT answer.  You want to know about Lenny.  What is the meaning behind the cryptic messages?   I will tell you what I know.

For most of this information I am deeply indebted to Lenny's autobiography, "I Made America Great:  The Lenny Suckerpunch Story".  I believe it's out of print but you may be able to pick up a copy at Powell's.

Lenny Suckerpunch was born Leonardo Buscagnlini on November 14th, 1962 on the Isle of Sicily.  His mother was a full-blooded Sicilian.  His father was rumored to be a Roman Cardinal for whom she kept house but his parentage was never officially confirmed for obvious reasons.  Leonardo emigrated to the United States as a young man in 1982.  He worked odd jobs in the New York City area to make ends meet.  Frustrated by the cinematic depiction of Italian-Americans as violent cretins and feeling such stereotypes held him back from a chance at a better living Leonardo legally changed his name to "Lenny Suckerpunch" in 1985.

Soon after Lenny found work in the sneaker repair industry, a field in which he had great aptitude.  He worked on diverse brands:  Nike, Adidas, Puma, Pro-Keds, even a Chuck Taylor or two.  A quote from his book:

I loved sneaker repair.  I was a natural.  But that was before it got all complicated.  It used to be simple...an insole patch here, some rubber grafting there.  But then they started putting in these air pumps and shock absorbers and blinking lights.  They even got computer chips now.  Computer chips!  Can you believe that?  It's gotten to be where a man can't repair his own sneaker anymore.  You have to get your "special certification" to even work on them.  They took the common Joe right out of the industry.

Faced with the demise of his livelihood Lenny tried his hand at the only other thing he knew:  gambling.  His start was rocky.  He bet on the Buffalo Bills to win the Superbowl five straight times in the early `90's, the final time when they weren't even playing in the game.  "I knew that," he says, "I just figured they were due."  He quickly lost all of his hard-earned scratch and was reduced to working odd jobs to make ends meet again.  

Downtrodden and near-penniless Lenny considered a return to his native land. Until one day when passing a co-ed lacrosse game in a local park he had a bolt of inspiration that would herald his return to the gambling arena.  "Women's sports!" he explains.  "I was no good at betting on the guys, but the dames made me lots of money."  Lenny had found his niche.

Mr. Suckerpunch went on to make a small fortune betting on women's leagues:  the WNBA, College Women's Field Hockey, the seedy, high-profile world of women's pole vaulting.  He became world famous for his expertise.  An excerpt from  "Handicapping the Fillies:  The Lenny Suckerpunch Wealth-Generating System" (as seen on TV!):  

The secret is the cup size.  You know, up front and all.  Everybody knows athletes ain't got any.  Did you get excited when Brandy Chastain whipped off her shirt, revealing her sports bra in the 1999 Women's World Cup?  Of course not!  She's an athlete!  The key to winning is, the smaller they are, the bigger you bet.  It's that simple.

Lenny now lives in palatial mansion in Yreka, California with a winter vacation home in Minot, ND.  He is bringing his expertise to the Blazersedge Jersey Contest starting in January of 2008.  We are privileged to have such an august figure among us.  Look for his iron-clad predictions then.

--Dave (blazersub@yahoo.com)

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