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Ask the Panel: I Feel a Draft

If you're not fed up with all the draft talk, you've probably been busy studying tiny organisms on Antarctica. If that's the case; welcome back, and be sure to apply sunscreen liberally. For those of you still glutting for more Blazer-related draft punishment, let us turn to the panel and get their opinions on who the Red and Black should grab with the fourth pick.

Disclaimer : The opinions expressed may or may not actually be the opinions of the members of the panel. We can only assume that they are, or aren't. Bottom line: Please don't sue me.

John Canzano: Oregonian Sports Columnist.

"My gut says Pooh Jeter, but my desire to placate my core audience of sexually frustrated, lemming-esque, character-first fans tilts me to Adam Morrison. Is there any way those two could have a kid, with the Blazers obtaining the rights to the Jeter/Morrison wunderkind? Does the NBA's new rule about drafting high school players apply to the unborn? Innovative thinking and fresh ideas, that's why you read my blog."
Bill Walton: Ex-Blazer/Hippie Burn-out

"A thorough and complete understanding of the NBA rulebook is the most important trait for a rookie to have, so I'm going with Stephen Hawking out of the University of Cambridge. I know the naysayers out there are going to point to the fact that he's 64, has no previous basketball experience, has been confined to a wheelchair for years, and has to use a computer to talk, but anyone who can explain the mystery of space and time could certainly master the intricacies of the defensive three second rule. And isn't he related to Hubie Brown?"
Lance Conn: Vulcan Investment Underboss/Boot lick

"A complex algorithm created at our lab and think tank in Seattle is the primary matrix we administer when considering potential draft picks. It's a function synthesized from studying a player's harmonic momentum, potential to kinetic energy transfer capabilities, dynamic gravitational velocity thresholds, and physical attributes such as VO2 max and the number of fast-twitch muscles fibers per square micrometer. Oh, and the shuttle run, standing broad jump, and toe touch are also weighed heavily into the results. So when all of that information is digested by our highly-tuned computer clusters using commodity processors combined with custom interconnects, we discover that Jaurice Paul, a 5'9" sophomore guard out of North Platte Community College in Nebraska is the best player in this years draft. Hopefully he'll still be available at the fourth spot, but we're willing to trade up if necessary."

Tom Potter: Portland Mayor/Part-time legal secretary

"I'm not sure about the fourth pick, but City Hall is definitely open to pursuing a trade to bring in Darius Miles and the 30th pick in exchange for Derek Foxworth. Both have character and public relation issues, but we're really excited about Darius' athleticism and work ethic, two facets which have been lacking in my administration. The way I see it, it's a mutually beneficial trade, as Foxworth has an expiring contract and he's adept at getting traffic tickets thrown out of court, which is worth its weight in gold for a team looking to save money."
Tyler Assmus: Possible deity/Zach Randolph look-alike contest winner

"Draft pick you say? Well, my puny mortal underlings, I've already been very involved with your trivial "lottery system." How do you think it is that, despite having the worst record in the league, the Blazers ended up with the worst possible pick? That was my doing you ignorant maggots! With a snap of my all-powerful fingers, I extended the pain and writhing in your collective belly's for years to come by saddling your already tortured franchise with a player who will undoubtedly get your hopes up, only to eventually become a worthless, over-paid, injury-ridden bench-warmer. You will weep at the demise of your precious cap space! I told you I was a vengeful god, and yet you still fail to heed my desires? Your lack of piety will continue to bane your existence!"

Ishmael Gonboglabin: Investment Banker/Homeless guy who lives near the Rose Garden

Apple calf riff-raff plane crash. Recent dust brain mist drives bottled brick battery remotes. Ruffled muffled magpies torment sleepless skies in time for rush hour. Przybilla's tenuous contract situation and the unreliability of Zach's surgically repaired knee requires that the Blazer's draft for size. Go for Aldridge or trade the later picks and Outlaw for a mid-rounder with rebounding capabilities. Train whistles speak truth and lunch menus. No tartar on my fish sandwich!"