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Ask the Panel: General Manager Edition

With so much strife and uncertainty surrounding the Blazers, it's hard to know who to trust for honest information. So here at Blazer's Edge, we've compiled a crack team of experts to give their opinions on Blazer-related topics in a segment we'll call "Ask the Panel." Today's question is: "Who should be the next GM for the Portland Trail Blazers?"

Disclaimer : The opinions expressed may or may not actually be the opinions of the members of the panel. We can only assume that they are, or aren't. Bottom line: Please don't sue me.

John Canzano: Oregonian Sports Columnist.

"Ernie Kent seems like the logical choice, and maybe Paul Allen could bring in Mike Riley and Mike Bellotti as a consultants. That way, I'd only have to write one column every time I wanted to trash, err, I mean, give non-alarmist, well thought out analysis about every popular sports team in the state. Or maybe they could hire Pooh Jeter. I love that cat."
Bill Walton: Ex-Blazer/Hippie Burn-out

"Portland fans are the most wonderful, knowledgeable fans in all the NBA. They deserve someone with the utmost skill, determination, and fortitude to lead them back to the promised land. So the obvious choice is Kobe Bryant. Such grace, such charm, such a preternatural understanding of the game. He's the only player I've ever seen who hasn't committed a bad foul, or called a bad timeout."
Lance Conn: Vulcan Investment Underboss/Boot lick

"When defining the metric for the utilization of the general manager hiring process, many variables must be accounted for to ensure positive ramifications regarding fiscal solvency while maintaining the synergistic atmosphere that allows our intrinsic paradigm of success to permeate every facet of operations. Basically, whatever Paul says."
Tom Potter: Portland Mayor/Part-time legal secretary

"What this franchise needs is a healthy dose of straight talk. These fat cats have been diverting our attention from our children for too long. That's why I've come up with a five-point plan to get this franchise back on top, while also getting the OHSU tram project back on budget. I'd tell you the details, but the FBI might be listening to this conversation. I've fashioned some hats out of discarded mylar balloons that should keep the Feds from converting our thoughts to binary and storing them in super computers housed off the coast of Fiji, but I've left them in the car."
Tyler Assmus: Possible deity/Zach Randolph look-alike contest winner

"The Assmus can't be bothered by your trivial GM search. I'm too busy forging the cosmos and delivering Christmas presents to all the good little girls and boys to spend time thinking about what mere mortal will incur my eventual wrath. You too would be best served to bow to your knees and forsake all others before me, or bear the dire consequences associated with your foolish pride and idolatry of these "Trail Blazers" that you speak of."
Ishmael Gonboglabin: Investment Banker/Homeless guy who lives near the Rose Garden

The house with three pickles needs root beer brine every third Tuesday, except when Uranus is in retrograde tri-county. Road levers stick white liquid horse teeth, fine grain parachute stick bridge factory. A through understanding of the salary cap and a willingness to foster dialog with the coaching staff are the traits the Blazers should look for. Muscle fix bottle cap storm drain cabins. Wind chimes fear no man!