He has come. Thanks to a tip from someone calling his or herself "InsideTheKnow", we now have the honor of knowing that he previously referred to as "Row Two, Third from the Left" is actually Tyler Assmus, a 2005 graduate of Whitworth College. It seems that young Tyler is but an intern for the Blazers, with designs on leaving us for the folly of graduate school, but far be it for me to question the infinite wisdom of our franchise player.
For example, Tyler, when referring to the life of an NBA player, states that, "These guys have an easy life." That's the kind of refreshing frame of mind that this team needs. There's too much bitching and moaning about "Sarge", not enough living the Tyler Assmus way.
The Assmus is still shrouded in mystery, but we must wrap ourselves in what we know, as every step we take toward knowing him brings us closer to understanding his brilliance and his plan for us as wayward Blazer fans. For instance, we know his 10-year plan, for he states that:
"I hope I will have a job as an assistant athletic trainer, be married to my beautiful girlfriend, and we'll be starting a life together. In 10 years, I would hope that I would still be an assistant somewhere, maybe even a head trainer.
So not only do we know that The Assmus has goals of one day being a head trainer, but also that he's heterosexual, and monogamous at that.
The Assmus is also a connaisseur of the arts, with a keen eye for the finest tattooable designs. It seems that one of The Assmus running buddies at Whitworth is somewhat of a talented artist, though nothing more than a doodler by his own admission. But The Assmus, with his preternatural understanding of form, color, shape, and composition, realized that his friend Danny Pecka was more than the average caricaturists. The Assmus speaks that:
"I've known Danny for five years and he's one of those people who's good at whatever he does. He's one of those people that God gave so many gifts and talents and he's just trying to find out the best way to use all those."
So how did God, with a little help from The Assmus, decide to use those talents? By making tattoos for the best and brightest in the NBA. It seems that after The Assmus had one of Mr. Pecka's designs forever inked onto his body canvas, it happened to catch the eye of Sebastian Telfair, who in turn contacted Pecka and asked to have a design made for himself, which we can only assume now occupies an area somewhere on Sebastian's physic. So not only can The Assmus step in for an NBA-caliber power forward, but he also has the ability to spot artistic talent and share it with the world. If that's not renaissance, I don't know what is.
We also know that The Assmus is a decent scratch golfer, and a one-time member of the Whitworth Pirate's golf team. Marvel at his prowess here, here, and here (warning: PDF).
There is obviously so much more that we don't know about The Assmus, so we must continue to seek out his name to piece together what his plan for this franchise is. Could it me more tattoo's for players? Maybe more days spend on the links? More faithful marriage, less run-around Sally? It's too early to tell at this point, but it seems that time may be running out. The Assmus needs to be convinced that his calling is the Blazers, not the pony-tailed futility of graduate school. So if you happen to gaze upon The Assmus, don't stare too long, but rather, convince him that he's needed here. We need you Tyler Assmus.