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Preseason Snapshots: Eastern Conference

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OK, admit it...some of you have been rolling your eyes and yawning through this whole pre-season preview thing.  All the stats, comparison, and analysis was just one long stream of Charlie Brown teacher voice to you.  Well, we at the Edge have much love and sympathy for new-generation A.D.D. types too.  So as a true full-service fan site, we present for you our Pre-Season Snapshots...the whole Eastern Conference, digestible in 90 seconds or less.  The teams are listed roughly in order of last year's finish and each sports a pretty pop-culture icon to give you an idea of where the team sits heading into this year.  

Now don't say Mr. Wordy never did anything for you visual learners.





MIAMI HEAT--Bob Barker

Getting a little long in the tooth, but still #1 and gettin' lots of love.






DETROIT PISTONS--Elvis

Was the king for a long time.  Diehard fans now trying to convince everyone that it's not over.






CLEVELAND CAVALIERS--No Doubt

Pretty good ensemble...but you know why you're watching.






NEW JERSEY NETS--George Lucas

Used to be damn good, but lately is just trying to sell you the same thing over and over again.






WASHINGTON WIZARDS--David Blaine

Talented, but just plain crazy.






CHICAGO BULLS--Jessica Alba

Sexy as heck.  Everybody with a pulse wants to hop on board.






INDIANA PACERS--Aquaman

Plenty good compared to mere mortals but not when stacked against other superheroes.






MILWAUKEE BUCKS--Leonardo DiCaprio

Cute, but basically harmless.






PHILADELPHIA 76'ERS--The Marlboro Man

Once the epitome of cool, now on life support.






ORLANDO MAGIC--The Hoff

Trying to resurrect a run that was probably marginal in the first place.






BOSTON CELTICS--RuPaul

Occasionally looks convincing, but you know some parts just don't fit in right.






TORONTO RAPTORS--Kids in the Hall

Probably underrated.  Could be good in a quirky kind of way.






CHARLOTTE BOBCATS--Dennys Restaurant

Inexpensive and under new management but still not that great.






ATLANTA HAWKS--Kenny

Poor kid who can't afford what the rest have.  Also will get killed every time you watch.






NEW YORK KNICKS--Joan Rivers

Spending millions each year on plastic surgery to cover the problems has resulted in a completely unviewable mess.




Tomorrow, the West!

--Dave (blazersub@yahoo.com)