The Official Lance Uppercut Appreciation Day

by Dave on Aug 21, 2007 12:51 AM PDT in News Comment 28 comments

Officially speaking tomorrow (Wednesday) marks my one year anniversary at Blazersedge. (If you want to mark the occasion by reading my first official post you can click here.) Those who know the history of Dave as a blogger and of this site know that I did not found it. That credit goes to one Lance Uppercut, blogger extraordinaire. He's the guy who said to me a little over a year ago, "Hey Dave...I have to ride off into the sunset. Will you take the site over?" We're now 364 days and 1069 posts (including this one) into that charge and it seems appropriate on this near-momentous occasion to take a moment and acknowledge our Great, Never-To-Be-Replaced, Forefather.

Alas we never discovered where the Great One went. There's a guy whom people say resembles him working elsewhere but he seems too straight-laced to me. I personally refuse to believe the rumors.

Have you seen me?

In any case, on this Lance Uppercut Appreciation day we should all raise a glass to our Founder. You can also tell any of the numerous Lance Uppercut stories you remember. There are many about this legendary blogging figure, most all of them true. In his honor, I will start.

I heard that Lance Uppercut once won a dunk contest with the treacherously difficult two-basketballs-at-once windmill dunk...depositing one ball in each hoop at opposite ends of the court.

I also know for a fact that while covering the Blazers in Vegas Lance Uppercut won a poker tournament with one hand while simultaneously diddling six showgirls on his knee and signing autographs for legions of adoring fans with his off hand.

Feel free to add your own and bolster the ever-growing legend.

--Dave (blazersub@yahoo.com)

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"The Lance"

Lance qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

Lance once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

When Lance exercises, the machine gets stronger.

by enigmah33 on Aug 21, 2007 2:24 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs

That must be...

some mighty fine crack you guys are all on... Who in sheol is Lance Uppercut???

by Clyde the Glide on Aug 21, 2007 11:46 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

remember when...

Lance dove into the swimming pool and ended up in Korea??? If only there werent "complications" when he brought Ha back through. That swollen bump on Ha's forehead never shrunk and its safe to say that his game was never the same.

by myemic23 on Aug 21, 2007 2:32 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs

on a side note

stumbled on this picture:
http://www.nba.com/media/blazers/drafteehome1.jpg

Its amazing how things have changed.

by myemic23 on Aug 21, 2007 2:57 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

yikes!

wow, look how white khrypha is!!

Give me Blazers, or give me Death!

by nateinaloha on Aug 22, 2007 7:50 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

yup

thats our 2004 draft class, nash and patterson sure could pick em!!

by myemic23 on Aug 25, 2007 12:03 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

Enigmah33 Started it!

Lance Uppercut is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Lance Uppercut's hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Lance Uppercut doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Lance Uppercut gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Lance Uppercut can slam a revolving door.

Lance Uppercut does not get frostbite. Lance Uppercut bites frost

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Lance Uppercut calls this "a slow Tuesday."

If you spell Lance Uppercut in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

There are no steroids in basketball. Just players Lance Uppercut has breathed on.

Lance Uppercut once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

A "Lance-Uppercut" is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

Scotty in Star Trek often says "Ye cannae change the laws of physics." This is untrue. Lance Uppercut can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

by Blazer on Aug 21, 2007 6:00 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs

That was great

Thanks for the read.

I am the master of my fate, I am the Captain of my soul. - Charles Wesley

by Earl on Aug 21, 2007 9:45 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

I second that

really, really, great!

by drawingjeremy on Aug 21, 2007 8:23 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

More Lance... :)

* In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Lance Uppercut.

* Lance Uppercut uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

* When Lance Uppercut sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Lance Uppercut has not had to pay taxes, ever.

* The quickest way to a man's heart is with Lance Uppercut's fist.

* Lance Uppercut invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

* Lance Uppercut can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

* Lance Uppercut is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

* A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Lance Uppercut and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

* The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Lance Uppercut played in second grade.

* Lance Uppercut once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

* Lance Uppercut once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Lance Uppercut re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

* Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Lance Uppercut.

* According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Lance Uppercut walks.

* When Lance Uppercut goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

by Blazer on Aug 22, 2007 12:48 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

You people are being ridiculous...

The guy just isn't all that. I met him in Vegas so I should know. I mean... look, after I fought through all the NBA players and coaches who were trying to get his autograph (Isaiah Thomas was especially mean) and I worked my way (slowly) through the 47 gorgeous babes and one 90 year-old lady in a wheelchair who were trying to get, ummm, everything else, I found Lance to be a perfectly normal superheroish kind of guy.

He did get a little pissed when I stepped on his cape, but hey, it only took me 20 minutes to work my way down from the rafters and I think the arm will heal pretty soon, so it's all good.

You people making up all this stuff are just plain silly. Truth is much cooler than fiction after all.

By the way, Lance, I think there was a mix up. I found a pair of panties that one of the ladies had accidentally stuffed in my jacket pocket, you want I should send them to you? Just my luck, they were from the 90 year-old lady in the wheelchair...

by ken on Aug 21, 2007 6:40 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs

keep up the good work Dave

Lance does a great job at O-Live and Marentette is a traitor.

by jksnake99 on Aug 21, 2007 7:24 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs

I sat behind the bench

last season at the Detroit game. After a lil' Piston run, Nate called a time-out, and I distinctly heard him ask Lucas, "Crap! What Would Lance Uppercut Do?"

Ball Don't Lie

by bothteamsplayedhard on Aug 21, 2007 7:47 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs

boy is

casey a handsome dude.you go boy.

by fatty on Aug 21, 2007 9:27 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs

Who's Casey?

This is about Lance Uppercut, not mild-mannered Casey Holdahl. Say, have you ever noticed that neither have ever been photographed together? Strange...and every time there's a phone booth around, Casey disappears and Lance Uppercut appears.

Must just be coincidence....

by jamon51 on Aug 21, 2007 10:41 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

diddling

"I also know for a fact that while covering the Blazers in Vegas Lance Uppercut won a poker tournament with one hand while simultaneously diddling six showgirls on his knee and signing autographs for legions of adoring fans with his off hand."

I don't think 'diddling' means what you think it means.

Check out the NSFW definition at urbandictionary.com.

by agentverde on Aug 21, 2007 10:24 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs

And I was going to comment on...

"won a poker tournament with one hand". A one hand poker tournament would be great - 15 minutes tops. ESPN could show true sporting events sooner.

by lama on Aug 21, 2007 10:40 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

Yeeah...

I was wondering about that too. Would 'bouncing' work better?

by rockingharder on Aug 21, 2007 3:32 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

I also thought

diddling did not mean bouncing.

by drawingjeremy on Aug 21, 2007 8:24 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

never forget

you are alive only because Lance Uppercut allows you to be.

--Dave

Addicted to Quack SBN's Oregon Ducks Blog

by Addicted to Quack on Aug 21, 2007 1:07 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs

Blazer thoughts

there were a lot of porn ads. glad we dont get them around here. or am i?

by Sabonis4Ever on Aug 21, 2007 1:53 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs

As I recall

Lance was the one guy who could out-drink, out-fight, and out-play (at anything) Bill Brasky.

To Lance Uppercut!

by baduk on Aug 21, 2007 2:08 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs

Sometimes

Sometimes I reminisce of the days when Case-- err Lance would allow me to run my mouth free like a drunk cowboy from Deadwood without any repurcussions.

Ah, those were the days.

ROTUNDITYDOTNET

by damir on Aug 21, 2007 3:56 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs

Let's keep this rolling...

Contrary to popular belief Lance Uppercut is the reason that the tides come and go, not the moon. This is how we know when Lance is taking his daily swim... the water follows him out to sea to be closer to him, when the tide comes to shore, he's on land, blogging for his legions of fans.

Al Gore's infamous statement about practically inventing the internet is always cut short, those in the know realize that he continued on, giving credit to Lance Uppercut as the actual inventor of the internet.

by drawingjeremy on Aug 21, 2007 8:31 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs

my goodness

You made me wake up my crabby parents and my highschool brothers!! I laughed so hard! Bottoms up to Lance Uppercut!

Yet, I joined in november, about 3 months into dave's tenure of being the BE blogger...

You guys crack me up!

-Nate

Give me Blazers, or give me Death!

by nateinaloha on Aug 21, 2007 11:05 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs

Yeah ... Lance

was the guy who nicked Steve Blake "The Snowflake" in a long, long, long ago blog entry.

It was a diss but it WAS funny.

Happy anniversary and stuff.

by soonerterp on Aug 22, 2007 4:05 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs

You guys/gals are the greatest

While the myth continues to grow, looking at that picture reminds me that my hair is doing the opposite.

To be honest, this site consisted mostly of half-cocked ramblings and incessant whining, all courtesy of yours truly, before Dave came in and raised the level of discourse. With LC at the controls, it was one of the best Blazers blogs out there. With Dave running the show, it's just one of the best blogs out there, period.

A few things: