Lonely Island Friday: The Finale Part 2--The Other Side of the Coin

USA TODAY Sports

Dave Deckard of Blazer's Edge channels The Lonely Island comedy rap group for the last time again, exploring the reactions of Portland Trail Blazers fans to the summer of 2013.

If you've read Part 1 of our Lonely Island Friday finale you already know what's up.  If not, you really need to go through it first in order to put this piece in perspective.  CLICK HERE to see it!

Now that you've experienced what many folks think is happening this summer, let's look at the other side of the coin. This Digital Short was one of the earliest, funniest, and most controversial.  It doesn't contain any profanity but it does deal with unexpected bodily fluids inside trousers.  Again, if that is going to offend you, SKIP THIS PIECE.  This is over the line from the type of material we usually present but as with Jack Sparrow, the parallels were too good not to use.  If anyone is afraid the site is going to heck in a handbasket for showing this video, I'll remind you that the word "finale" means "end" and that you won't be seeing such again anytime soon.  (So you better look now, eh?)

We've been using Hulu.com's versions of The Lonely Island videos because they present them as seen on Saturday Night Live, including bleeps in place of profanity.  This one is actually behind a registration wall, so I'm embedding the YouTube version.  Last chance to shy away.  Otherwise click the vid, get the song down, and read through the Blazers version below.

Enjoy envisioning Blazers fans everywhere making those faces as they read about Portland's summer signings!

Jizz in My Pants--Blazers Version

.

Lock eyes on the new depth chart

Got fresh guys, oh be still my heart

Cleared the roster of the lames

Now we'll win twice as many games

Got a guy from the Pelicans

The man can defend, oh hell yes he can

Think of him and I start to sigh

He takes the floor and the angels cry

Seven feet you can't ignore

And 50 wins is now the floor

The "experts" say he is a bore

All my Blazer friends say he might be more.  So I...

Jizz in my pants

You really may be thinking that I've gone too far

I won't apologize, check his PER

Destiny brought us a new superstar

And now I...Jizz in my pants

Run tell your friends that we've turned it around

Tune in all year cuz we're gonna astound

Next champions of the league has a very nice sound

Now I'll go home and change

.

I know our whole bench crew was really sad

Needed new bench guys really bad

Left us heartbroken and looking for aid

Surprised all you guys when we pulled a trade

Four second rounders was a decent price

To get a "rook" who'd been traded twice

Never played too well but it's different now

And we still had to spend that five mil somehow

His stats are bad, yeah we've all read it

Went fifth in the draft, so give him credit.

Cuz I... Jizzed in my pants

It's perfectly normal, nothing wrong with me

He'll be tearing up the league soon, wait and see

The playoffs loom and we will advance.  Because I...

Jizzed in my pants

To be fair he rebounds a lot

Plus his last interview got me bothered and hot

Please stop acting like you're not impressed

Two months tops and he'll be the best

.

Last month we got a guard

As I recall it was a back-up guard

Did some research really quick

Saw he wasn't Nolan Smith.  And I...

Jizzed in my pants

.

Add a new SF to the growing stash

Didn't cost too much, just some extra cash

His three-point shot might be average at best.  And I...

Jizz in my pants

And Batum, he might not get hurt.  So I...

Jizz in my pants

Maybe now Meyers won't get torched on "D".  And I...

Jizz in my pants

When the team beat the clock with the #10 pick I...

Jizzed in my pants

We got Earl Watson.  And I...

Jizzed in my pants

The Moda C...I jizzed in my...OK, Seriously you guys, can we...OK?

.

I jizz right in my pants after every Blazers move

I'm not that critical, every time I will approve

I get so premature, can't think realistically

Just let my passion flow and justify statistically

Cuz I jizz in my pants...Yes I jizz in my pants!

.

Yeah, we went there.  Methinks some of the commenters at CanisHoopus picked the wrong day to call us "Disney-like" and "schoolmarmish", eh?

In any case, it's been a good run.  We now return you to your regularly-scheduled programming.

--Dave (blazersub@gmail.com)

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