And now folks, we come to the end of the journey...at least as far as Lonely Island Fridays are concerned. We took on the NBA Commisioner job like a boss. We threw Portland's draft history on the ground like hipsters. We even conjured up golden three-way trades. Today, as the grand finale, we bring you a two-part look at Blazer fan reactions to the Summer of 2013 courtesy of Saturday Night Live's Digital Short gurus.
Part 1 of our finale covers what many folks think is happening this summer. It's a version of The Lonely Island's pinnacle piece, Jack Sparrow. The boys invited Michael Bolton to join them in a rap with hilarious results. We are re-imagining the story as an interview with Portland Trail Blazers General Manager Neil Olshey and everybody's favorite (now-former) beat writer, Jason Quick...plus a few friends.
To see the video on which this is based, CLICK HERE. Fair warning that they use a couple profane words in it, bleeped out as they aired on SNL (but you can easily tell what they were). They're direct movies quotes, which is the point of the parody, but if you're offended by such things you may want to skip this post. Otherwise, get the song down and maybe play it in the background as you read along.
So now, for anybody who's been paying even the slightest bit of attention to the conversation surrounding the Blazers this summer, we give you the Portland Trail Blazers Fan version of "Jack Sparrow"
Jack Sparrow--Blazers Version
Normal type = Neil Olshey ... Italics = Jason Quick (and friends)
Intercom: Neil? Jason Quick is here.
Oh great. Send him in.
Hey, hi. Thanks for coming.
I'm really sorry I'm late. I got caught up writing another marathon article. Have you read my stuff?
Oh yeah, yeah. Those are...those are great.
Well I checked out your lineup and I love it. And I wrote you this big, sexy piece I think you're gonna really dig.
Oh great. That's awesome! Shall we just lay it down?
Neil, let's get to it.
Here we go... Neil Olshey, Jason Quick...The year starts now.
Together back on track, the Blazers are back!
The year starts now, baby roll with us
Lakers shakin' in their kicks when we rollin' up
Blow through the league, ain't no holdin' up
Raised the bar way too far and they're out of luck
Fanboys starry-eyed when we walk onto the court,
screw the fellas looking jealous cuz they're slow and too short
Big man in the lane, you fight the clock,
you either get picked, fire bricks, or get blocked
This is the tale of LaMarcus Aldridge,
big superstar who's dissatisfied!
His mystical quest to a team in contention,
he's taking off, so wave bye-bye!
Yeah that was kind of weird but we're back with the club
Shooting lots of threes so the scoreboard shows us love
CJ as the draft pick, paint belongs to RoLo
We got T-Rob, what the heck my man, YOLO!
Watch it now cuz' I ain't your Mr. Nice Guy
More like a draft you, bring you up, then trade you twice guy
Grab rebounds then outlet and run
And now we make you go crazy with...
Now back to the good part!
LaMarcus said you're all small and boring
Old LMA, giving you what for!
That's his agent on the phone
Requesting you to trade him
But is cleaning his locker what lies in store?
Yeah, we've heard the rumor...
Throw your hands in the air and say, "Go team!" Come on.
He's so sad
From the front to the back say we're the champs. Come on.
Wrong. Jason Quick we're really gonna need you to focus up!
Roger that, let me pass you to another guy!
I am a tenured journalist and my name is Dwight Jaynes
Criticize and fault the things that you do 'til nothing good remains
OK then I'm a columnist, John Canzano is my name
Then you can call me Dave D. You should hang your head in shame
I give up...
You cockroaches wanna play rough? OK, I'm reloaded!
This is the tale of Blazersedge David
Pessimist King, dragging you through the muck
Just go home!
Got a big old blog, but the posts are depressing
This whole team is screwed now, and everything just sucks!
And everything just sucks!
OK. Turns out the local media are a bunch of dipwads.
You disgust me!
If you've survived this far, you can click through to Part 2 to see the other side of the coin and to complete the finale.