Greg Oden Suffers Life-Ending Injury; Gets 3-Year Extension

Portland, Ore.-

The Portland Trailblazers of the National Basketball Association have signed center Greg Oden to a 3-year contract extension, despite the former number 1 draft pick having passed away from an unknown injury earlier in the day.

Per team policy, details of the deal were not disclosed.

At a press conference Friday afternoon, acting Blazers GM Chad Buchannan told reporters, "Even as a corpse, Oden can still be a game-changer for this team, as long as he can stay on the floor." Buchannan continued, "We don't want to take the chance that another team will sign him in free-agency," and that Oden is seen as a "major part of this team moving forward," despite the additional setback of the player not being alive.

"We believe in Greg," stated Buchannan.

Ben Golliver of commented, "Back in 2007, I was heavily advocating for the Blazers to draft Kevin Durant for this exact reason." Golliver said, "While I knew Durant would end up a dead-eye shooter, I knew that Oden would end up just dead by 2012," before bewilderingly adding "Respect these years!" as he checked into a game in the second quarter against the Detroit Pistons, presumably being mistaken for Luke Babbitt.

The Pistons immediately went on a 12-0 run.

Sources close to the team put the deal at $3 million plus incentives for the recently departed. Oden would have become an unrestricted free agent at the end of this season, available for any team to move his limp, lifeless hand in such a manner that would resemble legally signing a contract.

While the cause of the injury remains unknown, it is thought it was sustained during a particularly lively session of Dance Dance Revolution. "The doctors told me I couldn't run during my rehab," it is imagined Oden might have said, "but they never said anything about video games."

Other sources claim to have seen Oden stumbling around in what appeared to be a topless amazon's ill-fitting high heels.

Whatever the cause of death, the Blazers front office remains optimistic that he will still be able to contribute, though with an extended timetable for his return.

Blazers owner and multi-kajillionaire Paul Allen tweeted Friday, "Sad 2 C Greg go kick the bucket; won't B long til he's SCORING buckets!"

As of press time, Oden's hulking, slowly-decaying body could not be reached for comment.

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