The Injury Bug

Well, after three straight seasons of awful luck and unbelievable injuries the only thing to really ask is what next? So I decided to come up with the likeliest unlikely injuries that Blazers players could come down with next season.

Lamarcus Aldridge- Scoliosis

Games Missed: 0

Similar to how as a kid you always heard stories about how having too heavy a backpack could give you scoliosis, Lamarcus Aldridge is going to be diagnosed mid-season with disease from carrying the team all season this year, plus having to deal with having Greg Oden lean on his shoulders so often while he’s limping off the court.  Unfortunately for other teams, L.A. responds to this by using the new curvature of his spine to help create space for his patented hook shot.

Wesley Matthews- Onchocerciasis (River Blindness)

Games Missed: 7

In a bizarre turn of fate, Wesley Matthews “3 Goggles” turn out to be a prophetic condition after he is struck blind while swimming in the Coatzacolcos River in Mexico. It turns out that he has the extremely rare patristic disease onchocerciasis. He takes to wearing dark sunglasses on the court while he plays, and somehow still manages to shoot 38% from deep, and provide excellent defense. 

Rudy Fernandez- Crabs

Games Missed: 23

We’re not going to get into the details of how Rudy got these, but there are rumors that it has to do with the woman who came on court to declare her love for him. Also it’s believed he missed the games not due to the condition, but simply because she would not let him leave her house.

Marcus Camby- Mesothelioma

Games Missed: 78

The trend of Trailblazer centers coming down with life-ending injuries continues (wait- Greg Oden is still alive you say?) as Marcus Camby is diagnosed with mesothelioma cancer.  It’s believed that he first had asbestos exposure back when he played for the Knicks in MSG, where apparently the place is so loaded with the deadly material that it just falls from the ceiling sometimes. 

Andre Miller- Turns Out He Is Actually A Cyborg

Games Missed: Disqualified For Season

An expose on the sheer impossibility of Andre Miller being a key Blazers player who has not been devastatingly injured reveals that the point guard who was often described as the NBA’s “Iron Man’ is actually partially made from iron and was sent from the future to protect Patty Mills, who will become the leader of a human rebellion against the machines.

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