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How To Junk Friends And Influenza People – 7/30/10

No, I haven’t read the book.

I give my advice from doodling in the school of hard rock cafe.

Tact is a skill we can all improve on, so listen up grasshoppers.


Business: The Do’s and Doo Doo’s

I have found in the middle of any kind of conference or business meeting where you are trying to win people over to your viewpoint it is best to not attack your opponent directly when he makes a solid argument. For instance,  – "If I had a face like yours, I’d kill myself." is not always the most appropriate response.

A kinder and subtler approach is "If my dog had a face like yours, I’d shave it’s behind and teach it to walk backwards." This is much more effective. While your opponent is muddling through the exact implication of this statement, you can continue your PowerPoint presentation and finish with singular flare and pizzazz. Sure, in the end you may have lost a friend, but the rest of the crowd will be amazed at your skill set, and the ability you have to expose the fallacy of the "Nay Sayers" weak arguments.

 

But on the other hand, don’t be surprised if your opponent runs up and gives you a big bear hug and says "I luv you man." With the voice inflection mind control techniques taught in this course you will lead your opponent to the overpowering conclusion…

If my face was on his dog…he will teach his dog new tricks…dogs are a mans best friend…he wants to be best friends.


Of course, if he approaches you with the "I luv you man", you must immediately apply the Dumbo-lip-lock maneuver and put him back into the friend zone. Grab him by his Dumbo ears and lock lips until you hear a 2nd or 3rd eeeewwwwwwwww from the crowd. Don’t take it too far, you do want to lose your other new found friends. (NOTE: I will personally train all readers of my book in the Dumbo-lip-lock method, but it will be on a first come first lip-lock basis)

 

The office party is a great place to gain influential friends.  

Remote controlled Whoopee cushions filled with methane gas are nice icebreakers.

And, instead of laughing about the joke, you can ignore that it was a joke and fling all sorts of derogatory insults at the duped persons ancestors. In this situation no one will think you’re the bad guy. When everyone’s eyes quit bleeding from the horrifying smell, they will all love you for saying what they know should be said.

 

These techniques in times past have been kept secret and were only known by the inner circle of the most rich and powderful. But now you have your very own copy of  "How To Junk Friends And Influenza People."

And please, remember to neuter and spay your pets. Pets that ugly don’t deserve a family tree.
Heeeere kitty, kitty, kitty.

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