I thought this was pretty funny
Open Letter from Rick Emerson re: Cavaliers Majority Owner Dan Gilbert
Dear Cleveland, citizens of The United States, and all supporters of proper grammar, syntax, and decent writing, wherever you are tonight:
As we should all know by now, using Comic Sans is not necessarily the fastest route to having your message taken seriously. It makes it look as though your missive was scrawled by an over-active child who somehow obtained access to your company login and a fistful of crayons. It further impairs matters when you follow your salutation with a semi-colon; this gives readers the distinct impression that all may not be well behind the keyboard. When in doubt, use the semi-colon only where "and" or "but" would also work. Or just hire someone to write letters on your behalf. I'm sure those people exist.
The above problems, however, are minor compared to those faced by "messages" which attempt to convey their "meaning" through the incorrect "use" of "quotation marks" littered throughout the "text". For "future reference", there's an "italics" button "right in front of you". Try "using" it.
These lapses are irritating to most of us, but not surprising.
The good news is that there are many additional things to mock in this faux-common-man-rapping-with-the-people-styled press release. Such as its author's near-total inability to use hyphens correctly. Here's a hint: start with "more than exciting future". Maybe work on it in MS Notepad for awhile. You know...just until you get the hang of the whole thing.
In the meantime, I want to make one observation tonight:
"WHEN YOU'RE BEING INTERVIEWED ON ESPN IN FIVE YEARS, AND YOU'RE ATTEMPTING -FOR THE FORTIETH TIME- TO EXPLAIN WHAT POSSESSED YOU TO WRITE YOUR INANE, ONLINE SCREED, YOUR RESPONSE SHOULD BE SOMETHING VAGUE -- PERHAPS THAT YOU WERE 'GOING THROUGH A VERY DARK TIME.' EVERYONE WILL THINK YOU MEAN 'CANCER', AND MAYBE THEY'LL CUT YOU SOME SLACK."
Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there. Others simply wonder what the hell that sentence even means.
It's inadvisable to use the words "children" and "learn" in a paragraph that contains three glaring errors of punctuation.
Until someone pulls you aside and firmly explains that your Internet access is being taken away, and that you are no longer allowed to make any kind of public statement without the assistance of a grownup, you (and the town in which you reside) will, unfortunately, own this moment -- one in which it appears that a functional illiterate has been given control of a vast business enterprise.
Sleep well, Cleveland.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge, and experience will be directed toward only one goal:
DELIVERING A copy of The Elements of Style to each and every household and citizen. By force, if necessary.
The Rick Emerson Show