Dear Mr. Dave Deckard,
by OhOhOden on Jun 8, 2010 1:31 AM PDT
Email
PrintOn June 6, 2010 you wrote a little essay in which you lampooned the corporate culture of the Portland Trailblazers as a "circus." In an apparent attempt at humor, you posted a picture of a beleaguered, much unfairly harassed man with an unfortunate caption:
With the 22nd pick in the 2010 NBA Draft the Portland Trail Blazers select Mervyn Schekelbottom of DeVry. Later suckas!!!
As the head coach of DeVry's not-inconsequential basketball program and representing many from DeVry's board of directors and alumni program, I feel you owe a public apology to our much-admired point guard. Mervyn may not seem to highfalutin folks such as yourself as anything special. But I wouldn't trade him for all the Kresko Mundelheims in the world. You can count on that.
Mervyn may not have the height or the body to play in your league. He may lack the speed and skills for your "professional team." Heck, he can barely dribble the ball using both of his hands. But you know what he's got, Mr. Deckard? Character. Real Moxy. The kind of can-do attitude that brings out the best in people. Just this last season in the Halfcourt Amateur PLayers Enrolled in Special Studies tournament (or HAPLESS), Schecky came in with two minutes left down by only 35 and really lit up the court. He drove the lane, sometimes even with the ball, and when the University of Phoenix team let him have the basket he would purposefully bounce off them to draw the foul. Do you have any players with that level of court awareness on your "Trail Blazer" team, Mr. Deckard? I didn't think so.
Furthermore, everyone on the team thinks Schecky is really swell, and that includes the equipment manager, Pointdexter Gigglesnide. Here's a real direct quote from an e-mail he just sent:
No one's better than that kid Melvyn at getting tough stains out.
I can guess that you're a busy man, MISTER Dave Deckard. Running your big-time, SportsNation (TM) corporate blog and with all your fancy titles and your connections and groupies named jscot, you probably don't think you have time to do a little research and find out something more about the good name that you so recklessly befoul. So I will end this letter and hope a glimmer of light might someday shine on your murky little blog. For shame, Mr. Deckard. Shame on you on behalf of all the Mervyns and the Myron Hackleresers and Ruben Nembhards of the world.
Yours Etc.,
Hiccup Ticklebottom
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There's more than one groupie named jscot?
We got trouble.
Give Blake the MLE in 2010!
Farewell to #2 and #25, good luck to you!
#10 #52 -- #5 #7 & #88 are back!
My initials are js and I have Scottish ancestors. Does that count? (Maybe not since some may consider me a jscot groupie.)
In my book
you can call yourself whatever you want.
(Does that make me a jorga groupie? If so, I’ll wear the badge with pride.)
Give Blake the MLE in 2010!
Farewell to #2 and #25, good luck to you!
#10 #52 -- #5 #7 & #88 are back!
Your reputation is safe with us
We hear your relationship with Dave is purely chummy. That is, all lips, no tongue.
Honor Alaa Abdelnaby.
First in the NBA. At least alphabetically
I'm feeling a strong urge
to start a rec league called HAPLESS. I’ve been playing some pickup ball for the first time in about 10 years and that would be an adequate name for any league I’m playing in.
REC
I H8 TXTSPK
The Suckiest Suckers who Ever Sucked
great name for your fantasy league team, if no one else has taken it in your league
When reached 40 years of following Portland basketball you have, be as passionate of the Trail Blazers you will not!
ha ha ha... now we all get to play in the N.B.A.!!!
Take that DAVE!! ha ha hah ah
The Faith don't panic, the faith freaks out, burns out farms, and torchs small villages in the name of The Faith.
Head Czar of Amerika <--- Mortimer said so so there!!!
are their naughty pictures of his manhood on the internet, too?
Greg’s never gonna live that down
When reached 40 years of following Portland basketball you have, be as passionate of the Trail Blazers you will not!
Dear Deckard,
You’re a ro-botman too.
Sincerely,
Gaff
PS I left you a Unicorn. lols. ;)
dinasour type of guys choir boys
Is it sad
that i got about half-way through and finally figured out he wasn’t serious. I blame it on convincing writing.
That's a nice compliment
Thanks. Perhaps you will be Dave’s next groupie?
Honor Alaa Abdelnaby.
First in the NBA. At least alphabetically
When I reached the end of the first paragraph after the jump...
I became horribly confused for like ten seconds. Then I read the second paragraph.
Good stuff.
#52
that was funny, man.
Marcus Camby was gaining energy again as the game wound to a close, much like a vampire sucking the life out of a dainty maiden. Amare Stoudemire, on the other hand, looked daintier and more maidenly with every possession.
By the way there's a hidden bit of trivia in that letter
if you’re inclined to do a bit of Googling :)
Honor Alaa Abdelnaby.
First in the NBA. At least alphabetically
One of those ridiculous names
is the name of a real Trail Blazer
Honor Alaa Abdelnaby.
First in the NBA. At least alphabetically
i stopped reading at Schecky
because i burst out laughing remembering Kevin Smith’s story about his dog with the same name.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LUGphe6i0Q
language is very inappropriate
i finnished reading
I thought the post was funny.
real direct quoteas opposed to those dastardly fake direct quotes. Tehe
Well, I'm legally obligated not to say much
after that thing with Schekelbottom’s attractive young wife…
—Dave
However let the legal system work itself out
and I’ll be happy to make a public comment about that no-talent schlub and his DeVry-wonk agent, an agent who just happens to have the initials “OOO”. Which, by the by, is exactly the amount the Blazers should pay him, as it will be the number of minutes he’ll be able to earn on this or any other NBA team. And yes, that INCLUDES the Nets.
—Dave
by Dave on Jun 13, 2010 9:25 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
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