Well, well, well, well, well, well, well WELL look at all these long, mournful faces! Where's the funeral? I haven't seen a sorrier lot since I dropped 35 in Oklahoma last year.
So. Looks like we have something of an emergency now. A couple of quote unquote franchise players not looking so well. And those poor, young men and their health issues. BRoy's face goes green every time he sees a flight of stairs. I mean, the thought of dragging either one of those legs up, let alone two, all the while trying to ignore the click-click, click-click of the knees. And speaking of knees, how about that Greg Oden? God bless him and his work ethic, rehabing like the good soldier in front of the cameras and playing the piano on ESPN! Could that boy party. The room just lights up when G. O. flashes that millionaire smile!
Ah ha ha ha ha. Too soon? Maybe I should get to the point. Hm. Since this alleged quote unquote blog is so numbers-happy, since to many those tall athletic-looking sorts running up and down the court aren't actually people, but sabremetrics, let me throw some numbers back at you.
63. Not a high number to start out with, but you've seen the commercials. I got that heart thing licked.
76. Now there's a nice, high number. You all don't mind missing six games out of a year, do you? Not bad, not bad at all.
81. Very nice. Almost 82. Getting near A. C. Green territory.
78. Not looking very injury-prone in this corner, are we?
And, finally, 12 out of 12 for 2010. A great number since it's for me, number 12. 100% attendance when you need me most.
That's right--me, baby. L.A., the man so tall they named a big city after me. Your one and best hope out of the quote endquote alleged Big Three era.
Just in case you forgot, I was here, man. I saw the promotional material. Yeah, I was part of the Big Three. Squeezed in the back somewhere or off to the side. BRoy, now you gotta love him. He's the quote endquote franchise player. The face of the organization. He gets top spot, forget that he got picked what? 6th? 8th? Seriously. After the first two or three picks it doesn't really matter. And then G.O. scowling with a basketball wedged between his palms like he's gonna pop it. The number one pick, the quote unquote key ingredient to the championship. He can't make it up a flight of stairs either!
How you liking me now, Portland? Did we or did we not leave this airport in a limo? ahahahaha
I see all you supposed fans, you turkeys with names like "BRoyFTW", "BRoyinthe4th", and those sick semipornographic names like "OhOhOden." Straight outta Office Space, I know, I know! But let me tell you all what I would like to see. Understand, I've been reading things every season about what quote unquote basketball experts would like to see from me, bending my game to get more defensive rebounds, more low post points, more weak-side help defense. Here's some of that coming back at you. Maybe a few more "LaMarvelous" and "LA4Ever" screen names. Maybe a little bit of love for your current franchise player.
Because maybe what I see, Blazer fans, is a little bit of Carmelo Anthony in Denver, and we're both seeing something happening in Miami. He's young and I'm young, know what I'm saying? We might be looking for a change of scenery and a couple rings. I'm a Texas boy. I hear San Antonio's a great franchise. I hear Cuban treats his team right. And Daryl Morey, he can put a team together even when the big fella goes down. I mean, I'm willing to play out my contract and give it 110% in Portland, of course. Oh, absolutely.
But, maybe, you know, maybe I might see a little of the love you showed to BRoy, before you all found out about his knees? Maybe ten thousand of you congregate at Pioneer Place while I make my face all sheepish and pretend to bow toward you. Maybe we can make up a little bit for me being number two or number three of the quote unquote Big Three. Because....well, just look outside. It's raining, Portland. But it's sunny and warm in Texas.