#10a: The Whizzinator.
#10a: The Whizzinator.
(No BEdge-safe images available. Trust me)
Ah yes. We all remember the day when we were formally introduced to "The Whizzinator" by our good friend from UO, Onterrio Smith. I'm not sure how much more I can say about this, since it happened so long ago, but just the word "Whizzinator" makes it worthy of making the list.
(That's some crazy hair.)
PJ Carlisimo's throat? Meet Mr. Spreewell's hands. And then the assorted crazy after that incident as well. His was truly a meteor that burned bright, burned quickly, and had a firm grip.
#9: Rasheed's Post-game "interview"/Mr. T
(Both teams played hard. Both teams played hard. Both teams played hard.)
Ah, Mr. T. Those were the days. Those were the days. There will be some who disagree with me putting ths up here, but really Sheed had to make this list somewhere
#8: Monta Ellis' Mo-ped
(Motorcycles = cool. Mopeds = not)
On top of one of the most un-manly injuries out there, Monta lied about how he'd gotten injured because (like all modern athletes) he has a no-motorcycles clause. No word on wether he was wearing a helmet, unlike....
#7: Ben Rothlisberger, head hunter
("Heeeyyy you guuuuyyyys!!!")
Sure, he's come back from the injury. But really. Riding a motorcycle without a helmet? Big Ben proved once more for all of us that in the battle royale of Motorcycle Man V Automobile, the cars have something like a 1,000,000-0 record. Just sayin'. At least he didn't crash into a moped.
#6: Rafael Palmeiro, from denial to trial
("Pull my finger, Senator.")
Three days, that's right, three days. That's how long after pointing his finger at Congress for their audacity accusing him of taking steroids till he failed a test for PEDs. Nice turnaround time, Raffy.
#5: Clemens at the Bat
("Break a bat on one of my pitches will you?")
Anyone else remember this? 2000 Subway World-Series between the Mets and Yanks, and Roger Clemens takes exception to Mike Piazza's shattered bat landing vaguely near him. Response from the Rocket after a totally uncontrollable random event? Throwing the very sharp barrel of the bat at Mike Piazza. Houston, we have a headcase.
(Side note: For me, this was the first time I started thinking about steroids in sports. Clemens' reaction was so completely out of control, even knowing he and Piazza weren't exactly best buddies)
#4: Plaxico Burress' Thighmaster
(I imagine he had about this look on his face that night...)
So, Mr. Burress. Star wide-out, playing on the biggest stage in sports. What's a guy to do after upsetting the Patriots perfect season and making one of the most iconic catches the game has ever seen?
"Why.. I'm going to shoot myself in the thigh and maybe never play a down of pro-ball again of course!"
Ah yes. How did I not guess that right away.
#3: Ron Artest gets his crazy on:
(R.A.: "How dare you waste a beer?!?")
Yes he got a beer poured onto him (as he lay oh-so-dramatically on the scorers table) but then he proceeded to go after the wrong guy. Not shown in this picture, but deserving of mention is Jermaine O'neal. It's still a shocking thing to see.
#2: Lady, and the Tramp, and Michael Vick:
(Sick. Wrong. Hillarious.)
I suppose that if Vick makes it back into the league, this will have to drop a few spots, but for now this place of "honor" is well-deserved. While I am loathe to wish ill upon another person, Michael Vick is an exception I gladly make.
#1: Damon Stoudamire, Worst. Smuggler. Ever.
("Paper or plastic Mr. Stoudamire?" "Tinfoil!")
Now. I don't know much about smuggling things onto planes (really), but one thing I do know is that airports have metal detctors. They are pretty tough to miss. Another thing I know is that tinfoil will set off metal detectors. The combination of those two facts apparently eluded a "lifted" Damon. The sheer level of non-thought involved here is staggering, which is why (on my list at least) Damon coasts to the top. Kudos, Mighty Mouse. Kudos.
There's many many more examples out there, please feel free to add your favorites. I obviously excluded dumb athlete quotes, as that's pretty much shooting dead fish floating in a barrel.
Update: I didn't want to get into the various athletes that have killed people, intentionally or otherwise. No Mike Tyson's, no OJ Simpson's, etc.