Dave-isms Vol. 1 (08-09 Recaps)
This is a Dave appreciation thread. It takes a special talent to mix humor with sports writing. Bedger's are certainly lucky. Going over old posts I came to realize how often I laughed last season. I thought it might be neat to snip-n-paste a few choice moments of last season's recaps. This list is by no means comprehensive. Add any I've missed in the comments! Not much care has been taken to retain the context of the quotes, sometimes intentionally, often due to laziness.
game 1 "we came out tight, switched to flat, poked our heads out like a post-winter groundhog for the predictable NBA “trailing team takes a stab” run, then faded faster than Gilligan’s hopes of getting lucky with Ginger."
game 6 "Mike Miller has the girliest hair in the NBA. Ever."
game 7 "Does anyone else think that if Stan Van Gundy got a perm he’d be Ron Jeremy?"
game 8 "his daily sweet alley-oop from Sergio. Just like taking your vitamins, kids."
game 10 "When Mike Barrett can look straight at your belly button as you’re releasing a shot you did it wrong."
…more after the jumpgame 11 "He okey-doked the Warriors so many times it looked like he was actually playing a different game"
game 14 "To say the first half shooting was a little off is like saying Robocop was a tad violent."
game 15 "Rooting for Travis is like vacationing with your husband, the kids, and the hot, 19-year old au pair. Lots of love, not much trust."
game 16 "When Channing is on he not only spreads the defense, he makes Sergio’s assist box ring like a pinball machine."
game 17 "Outlaw did grab 3 rebounds and net an assist to go with his 5 points, but he’s sticking out farther than Carmen Miranda at a Shriner’s convention right now."
game 19 "playing like they had not seen this round thing… What do you call it? Bask-et-baul? It is for bouncing? Oh, and you toss it through that orange thing over there? I see!"
game 22 "our interior defense was softer than Nicolas Batum’s downy cheek, and we committed enough turnovers to fill a medium-sized barge."
game 23 "Normally you wonder if this guy cracked a smile when his children were born. Or conceived. But here was Joel walking back down the lane with this incredible grin on his face as if to say, “That’s RIGHT! I lit you up! How do you spell it? P-R-Y-Z…no, no…wait…P-R-Z-Y-B-I-LLA-LLA-LLA- LOSERS!!!”"
game 24 "Oden’s shots were scantier than Bettie Page’s underwear"
game 27 "And he brought his "You can't stop this, and I mean from anywhere" touch with him tonight. Hello, camel's back. They call me...STRAW."
game 29 "When Greg gets isolated out there we should all be able to push the button and a big sign should flash, "Run, Greg! Run! Get back inside!" Then he should make like all of us did when we were little and mom took us in a store with a lot of breakables. Stick your hands in your coat pockets, keep your eyes ahead, and make straight for the exit. Above all, DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING! Awwww...geez, Greg. Now you broke their point guard. We're going to have to pay for that, you know."
game 30 "First of all they lost containment on their men so often the paint defenders should have been wearing Hazmat suits."
game 32 "The blessing of Pope Sixtus V and the machinations of Duke of Medina Sidonia combined couldn't get the original Spanish Armada to defend right and for much of this game our duo suffered the same fate. "
game 33 "If this game were like a NASCAR race the Blazers car would have been fighting the track all day long. We started with engine trouble from the get-go and were forced to use our back-up motor. Then the timing was off and the car was misfiring. We blew a tire and had to get it replaced but that side of the car never felt right. Through all of that we managed to battle it out, stayed on the lead lap, and even took the lead for a while. Then there was a huge near-crash where we bumped fenders and one of the opponents crashed into the wall and out of the race. It looked like clear sailing from there through the last quarter of the race. We were thinking how that victory lap would feel when all of a sudden a guy jumped out of the infield with a crowbar, busted up the windshield, pounded us over the head a half dozen times, ripped us out through the window, and left us lying there on the grass while he drove off in our car to get a Slurpee at 7-11. All you could say in the end was, "What the hell happened there?""
game 35 "And on the rare occasions we stopped penetration Detroit simply kicked out for straight-on looks. We provided less resistance than a porn star's panties. We might as well have served them tea and crumpets every time they drove. "Spot of tea, guv'ner? No? You'll just be headed right to the basket then? Jolly good. Carry on!""
game 36 "I promise not a minute more. Oh wait. You know that chalupa thing where the crowd gets free snacks at The Bell if we go over 100 on the scoreboard? Well this here says that Martell gets a free foot massage if you go over 30 minutes tonight. You know his foot's been injured and all... Hey, thanks. You're a champ. You ever need anything, you just call me."
game 37 "So here comes Travis Outlaw... BAM! BANG! WHAPPA-WHAPPA-WHAPPA! Whooo-deee-yooooop...SLAM! SWISH! BAMBOOZLE! Tweet! YA FOULED ME! MY NAME AIN'T "CHARLES"! SLAMMMM!!! IT AIN'T "BO" EITHER! SPLAT! AND ONE! Oooops! Phone's ringin'! Yeah, what? THREE! Oh, sure I got time to take a survey. LEFT HAND! YA DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN'! Usually bleach. Color-safe kind though. I made that mistake once. THREE FROM THE OTHER SIDE! Naw, I don't clip coupons much. I don't get time to read the paper. BLOCKED SHOT! DON'T BE BRINGIN' THAT IN HERE! What? Oh, no, this isn't a bad time. What else you need? BLOCKED YOU AGAIN! I TOLD YOU, DON'T BE BRINGIN' IT IN HERE! Yeah, your voice sounds cute too. Where you at? SLAAAAAAAMMMM! THEN A THREE! Carolina, huh? We're comin' through there this weekend. Oh wait...gotta go. I've got to take a bunch of free throws and coach will be mad if I miss them because I'm on the phone. NOW GIVE ME THAT BALL AND PREPARE MY POST-GAME VICTORY JACCUZZI!"
game 39 "the Blazers had a harder time scoring than Andrew Dice Clay at a NOW convention."
game 40 "he collected fouls like they were ultra-rare foil covered trading cards."
game 42 "Portland had to send the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker, the wives of all of the above, their children, their dogs, the fleas on their dogs, the fleas on their children, the fleas on their dogs' children, a couple of exchange students from Nairobi, six authors booted off of Oprah Winfrey for lying in their books, Obama's excess secret service, three guys from Prince's entourage, and some crazy dude in parachute pants out there to defend Lebron and they still couldn't get it done."
game 43 "they couldn't have hit the round side of a grain silo from inside it"
game 45 "There's an old Klingon saying that goes, 'Revenge is a dish best served rammed down your gullet like a monster Oden block with a side of Lamarcus sauce.' It goes something like that anyway."
game 47 "Then the basketball gods decided enough was enough and reached down and tweaked his groin." "he looked like he was trying to solve a Rubik's Cube every time he moved his feet."
game 48 "But before we get to that, let's talk about the second quarter. You could have stuck a little orange sticker on it, marked it 5-cents, put it out on your lawn, and every old geezer and amateur collector in town would have passed it by with an upturned nose." "But the defense still smelled like a month-old Gordita most of the way."
game 50 "The basic catalyst was the Knicks getting uber-hot--we're talking Megan Fox mixed with Jessica Alba mixed with Lynda Carter hot--from distance. They started throwing in threes like it was pop-a-shot and they were the only sober people in the room."
game 51 "Jerryd Bayless was a major catalyst for the second half run. Dude has finishes that Steven King hasn't dreamed of."
game 52 "Yowza!"
game 53 "I wanted Lawrence Olivier in Hamlet. I wanted Tom Hanks in Philadelphia. I got Scott Baio in a pair of leotards."
game 55 "Boxscore (Not suitable for young children.)" ***
game 56 "If Portland's game had been any streakier tonight two cops would have chased it all over the field, thrown a blanket over it, and then hauled it off to spend a night in the hoosegow."
game 57 "Every shot he took was like breaking out of maximum security. His buddies were supposed to bake a file into a cake but all they left him with was a spork. Half the time he stuck the spork in his own eye." **
game 58 "Tonight the Blazers and losing were as cozy as Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie."
game 59 "The timer went "Ding!" on this one somewhere in the second quarter (30 point lead, dearie. Would you like a biscuit with that?)"
game 60 "came out flatter than buffet-line prime rib."
game 61 "Anderson made me really uncomfortable with that running his fingers through his hair thing after the block of Rudy's layup attempt. In fact I'm thinking of suing him for creating a hostile working environment. Unless he can conclusively prove that he is a major fan of "Bowser" of "Sha-Na-Na" fame he's probably going to lose."
game 63 "The game the L*kers played looked like the illegitimate love child of Joan Rivers and Ernest Borgnine."
game 64 "If Joel Przybilla were a girl and I had a stepladder I'd kiss him full on the lips for the job he's doing the last few weeks." "Portland's offense looked uglier than an Arby's dumpster at midnight."
game 65 "expelling a puff of germs which imbued the usually-steady Blake with a serious case of Critical Turnoveritis."
game 66 "He did everything but stop mid-air to sign autographs"
game 67 "The Blazers jumped on the Grizz in the first quarter tonight like Tom jumped on Oprah's couch."
game 68 "Zoinks!"
game 69 "Our centers clubbed him like they were playing Whack-a-Mole."
game 70 "technically he missed out on a quadruple-triple. (Which, by the way, you can order at Wendy's. But I wouldn't advise it.)"
game 72 "Rudy Fernandez was the superstar off the bench tonight. You knew it was going to be a good night when his first three dropped. After that it was time to batten down the hatches and hide your women." *
game 73 "Even though he's approaching the bucket on offense like a high school freshman approaches a senior cheerleader at the dance, Greg Oden was still the man off of the bench tonight."
game 74 "Jerry Sloan's pre-game speech might as well have been, "Y'all go up to your room and wait until your father gets home!" The Blazers took them behind the woodshed, the belt came out, and there was wailing and gnashing of teeth for 48 minutes straight."
game 75 "but that was like people putting designer laces on their K-Mart Pro-Keds ... That neon yellow string didn't distract anyone from the fact that you paid $14.99 for those under a flashing blue light and, well, they ain't Chuck Taylors."
game 77 "came out of the gate in this game with all of the enthusiasm of a Wal-Mart greeter and all of the aggression of a candy striper giving her first sponge bath. And that is putting it politely."
game 78 "Do not cross the Proton Pack streams. Do not touch the Queen of England. And DO NOT think that you have the Portland Trail Blazers beaten until the final horn sounds."
game 79 "Anyone who thinks the L*kers didn't want this game has a screw loose. They wanted it like Tyra Banks wants attention, like Willie Nelson wants tax amnesty, like M.C. Hammer wants 1990 back."
game 80 "must have been a nanosecond off in its space-time phasing and thus invisible to those of us in the normal temporal stream."
game 81 "Long story short, there was a battle of the superheroes tonight pitting Superman against the Wonder Twins' monkey."
game 82 "I've seen kids bump full-on into a hornets nest and not cut as hard or run as fast. They were expecting a butter knife. Sergio was a Cuisinart."
* My personal favorite
** Runner up
*** Honorable mention