KP, I'd like to apply for the position of Overpaid Free-Agent. I'd love to play (sit on the bench) for Portland next season. You need not shmooze me, I'll be more than happy to suit up for the Red & Black Attack.
I admit that my 5' 10" 175lb frame isn't long, I'm not freekishly athletic, and I haven't been bouncy since I was a toddler on my daddy's knee. But I do have what nobody else does: I can shag balls, tote luggage, fetch donuts, make people laugh until milk spews from their nose...ah did I mention I can fetch donuts? OK, so maybe one or two other people in the world can do that kind of thing, but how many of them REALLY want to be a Blazer? Huh? Huh?
If my incredible locker-room personality doesn't seal the deal, let me offer one other tidbit. It would really be a wake-up call to other NBA teams and players if you spent your cap-space on someone with zero professional or college experience simply because he loves Portland and the team. That would be an awesome press conference. You could even time it so it airs at prime-time on the East Coast. You know, so Hedo is watching. So, you think you're too good for Portland? Fine, we'll spend our money on someone that will be a great representative for the team. Heck, you could even put me into a game to go thug on the opposition a bit. Denver does that with Kenyon Martin, afterall. I know I've got more passion for the game than he does.
Finally, I'd accept a one-year deal. There's no need to have this year's cap-space disappear, never to be seen again. Simply sign me to a one year deal for what you've got to spare, and I become a valuable trade chip that you could part with and not hurt your core group. You'd miss me after I'm gone, but fear not. I'll come back to the Rose City once my NBA career comes to an end. If I happen to head for the Hall of Fame, I'll demand to be inducted as a Blazer. I'll even let you retire my jersey. See, I'm a giver.
It's a win-win-win, KP. You get cap flexability, you get to stick it to the FA market, and you get a high-character player that fits your culture. So, what do you say?