I'm Your Huckleberry!

by Steve The Hedge on Jul 9, 2009 3:22 PM PDT

KP, I'd like to apply for the position of Overpaid Free-Agent. I'd love to play (sit on the bench) for Portland next season. You need not shmooze me, I'll be more than happy to suit up for the Red & Black Attack.

I admit that my 5' 10" 175lb frame isn't long, I'm not freekishly athletic, and I haven't been bouncy since I was a toddler on my daddy's knee. But I do have what nobody else does: I can shag balls, tote luggage, fetch donuts, make people laugh until milk spews from their nose...ah did I mention I can fetch donuts? OK, so maybe one or two other people in the world can do that kind of thing, but how many of them REALLY want to be a Blazer? Huh? Huh?

If my incredible locker-room personality doesn't seal the deal, let me offer one other tidbit. It would really be a wake-up call to other NBA teams and players if you spent your cap-space on someone with zero professional or college experience simply because he loves Portland and the team. That would be an awesome press conference. You could even time it so it airs at prime-time on the East Coast. You know, so Hedo is watching. So, you think you're too good for Portland? Fine, we'll spend our money on someone that will be a great representative for the team. Heck, you could even put me into a game to go thug on the opposition a bit. Denver does that with Kenyon Martin, afterall. I know I've got more passion for the game than he does.

Finally, I'd accept a one-year deal. There's no need to have this year's cap-space disappear, never to be seen again. Simply sign me to a one year deal for what you've got to spare, and I become a valuable trade chip that you could part with and not hurt your core group. You'd miss me after I'm gone, but fear not. I'll come back to the Rose City once my NBA career comes to an end. If I happen to head for the Hall of Fame, I'll demand to be inducted as a Blazer. I'll even let you retire my jersey. See, I'm a giver.

It's a win-win-win, KP. You get cap flexability, you get to stick it to the FA market, and you get a high-character player that fits your culture. So, what do you say?

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Comments

Is this a bash on KP?

I cant stand this KP harassment anymore. It’s sickening.

If not, then i guess I can catch onto your comedy…..

Greg Oden - The only other rookie with more than 500 points, 400 rebounds, and 65 blocks in under 1400 minutes played. Since 1946

by FiveOhThree-RipCity!! on Jul 9, 2009 3:52 PM PDT reply actions

No, he wasn't bashing on KP

he was mockin the entire process, which was effing funny.

Rec from me

by TrailBlazer4Life on Jul 9, 2009 4:31 PM PDT up reply actions

I will do it for free

those are the best seats in the house

Draft Cole Aldrich 2010

by jlarose78 on Jul 9, 2009 5:37 PM PDT reply actions

What are you waiting for KP?

Sign the man. Sounds like the perfect locker room guy. Would get along great with everyone.

by tcwoods on Jul 9, 2009 7:43 PM PDT reply actions

I'm sold

We’ll offer you 5 years and $50 million. That seems to be the going rate these days.

The inbound to McGinnis, drives, stops, pumps, shoots, short, no good...AND THE GAME IS OVER! ~ Bill Schonely

by SandbergOnSports on Jul 9, 2009 8:07 PM PDT reply actions

That

is a great song by Toby Keith by the way, for any country western fans!!!

Brandon Roy, 'nuff said.

by johnv59 on Jul 9, 2009 9:10 PM PDT reply actions

Where did it begin?

I thought it was the tag line of a certain Doctor. He said it right before he’d set people up with their Tombstones.

*Unless KP has a secret plan that makes this statement incorrect.

by staylost on Jul 9, 2009 10:51 PM PDT up reply actions

Indeed

That’s what I think of also — Doc Holiday in Tombstone. I am saddened to learn that Toby Keith has stolen it for a song. As if I needed another reason to hate that no-talent ass clown (another great movie, BTW).

by xman47 on Jul 10, 2009 12:07 PM PDT up reply actions

That's Latin, Darlin'

It appears Ringo here is an educated man…

by bamkapow on Jul 10, 2009 12:59 PM PDT up reply actions

Do you need an assistant?

cuz ill be your huckleberry. props for any tombstone quote!

by cavejunctionblazer on Jul 9, 2009 9:26 PM PDT reply actions

It's funny 'cause it's true!

The sick thing is this idea actually makes sense – props! You can’t trade cap space, but a big expiring contract is very valuable. It would cost Paul Allen some dough, but he’ll spend it if it helps to win, and this would give the Blazers a great chance to get a key guy & get over the hump at the trade deadline.

Let me know how it turns out, I think I’ll start lobbying some other teams for a spot on their roster…

by ThaBlazerNater on Jul 9, 2009 10:07 PM PDT reply actions

I holding out for the 2006-2007 Brian Grant Deal

Grant was paid ~$18M in the 2006-2007 season to not play for three different teams.

LA owed him $15M. He had been waived per the Allan Houston provision.
Celtics had traded for him and waived him. They owed him ~$2M.
Phoenix had to pay for a trade kicker because of the trade to Boston.

That’s three teams paying $18M to not play. For that kind of money, I’d gladly retire from my pickup games. Sign me up.

by grigs on Jul 9, 2009 10:41 PM PDT reply actions

If you need an agent

I am game. I did watch Jerry McGuire so I have experience.

by Cory2669 on Jul 9, 2009 10:58 PM PDT reply actions

Oh yeah?

I’ve seen the whole Arliss series. I’m an expert.

by Arby on Jul 9, 2009 11:21 PM PDT up reply actions

AND a sadomasochist!

by Mortimer on Jul 10, 2009 1:56 AM PDT up reply actions

That cap space won't be around next year even if you do have a one-year contract.

The sole flaw in an otherwise unimpeachable plan.

by shuppatsu on Jul 9, 2009 11:31 PM PDT reply actions

Right

Guy should hold out for two years, and then we’ll have a valuable expiring contract the next year.

When I rule the world, everyone will know how to use Excel.

by jscot on Jul 10, 2009 12:06 AM PDT up reply actions

The risk

would be that KP would trade him to the Clips or Memphis in that expiring year. But then, he could agree to a buyout with them so he wouldn’t have to move.

When I rule the world, everyone will know how to use Excel.

by jscot on Jul 10, 2009 12:07 AM PDT up reply actions

And then re-sign with Portland for the vet's minimum

When I rule the world, everyone will know how to use Excel.

by jscot on Jul 10, 2009 12:07 AM PDT up reply actions

CUMMON NOW!!!.... that's why these kids go to college first these days.

ya gotta have an agent.

I recomenenenenend john canzano. (becuase when we trade you!!! ;) sorry man, but he goes too!!":)

(I read the guy’s stuff it’s funny n depressing just like my life :)

The Faith don't panic, the faith freaks out, burns out farms, and torchs small villages in the name of The Faith.

"New Man Law: If you don't show up for the draft you don't get to come later if you're picked. If you believe in yourself, show up and sit there. If nobody else believes in you, take it and cry like a man...in front of the cameras."

-Dave

by faith on Jul 9, 2009 11:57 PM PDT reply actions