A letter to Paul Allen regarding cost cutting measures

Dwight Jaynes has a good reaction to John Canzano's most recent article on the subject of Paul Allen wanting to "break even" and it got me thinking enough to at least draft a fictional letter to our fearless owner...

Dear Mr. Allen,

    I understand that you have recently requested that you “break even” financially in regards to my beloved Portland Trail Blazers. As a satisfied customer of your product for over almost 20 years I have no problem with you looking for financial relief, especially given the present condition of the economy. Your willingness to take on massive losses for the sake of providing a winning ball club has been well documented and for the most part, you have been a fantastic owner: not selling to a business man (when it seemed like you were very close to selling) who could have hijacked our team and sent them to Oklahoma City for instance; not holding tax payers hostage and demanding they pay for a new building or renovations, paying guys like Steve Francis to just go away, I could go on and on. But now I’ve heard some of your vulcans may be whispering in your ear that the actual product on the floor should be effected by some of the cost cutting required for you to break even. Although this may be nothing but bad rumors, I would nonetheless like to address it and at the same time bring up a few other points about the Rose Garden, the Trail Blazers, and the “fan experience.”

If you are indeed serious about cutting costs related to the Blazers, here are a few suggestions:

1) Fire that DJ/MC  guy who walks around in sweats and a microphone and orchestrates shenanigans like tricycle races for adults. He’s unnecessary and unless he works for free (if you insist on keeping this position I’m sure you could find a blazermaniac who probably WOULD do this crap for free) you shouldn’t be employing this guy to dance around the rose garden trying to hype us up about a 50 year old guy in dress slacks trying to shoot free throws for a gift certificate to Mcdonalds.

2) While we’re on this subject, lets just do away with ALL the side show stuff. Have you done any polling or focus groups on this subject? You’d have a hard time convincing me that people look forward to it, I wouldn’t believe you if you told me people are entertained by it and there’s no way in hell fans come to the game for it. You’re familiar with the term “addition by subtraction,” right? Sure you have, its like when you traded Zbo for Channing and then Channing for, well...nothing. This is like that. This cut would actually add to the fan experience because not only would our senses get a break from all the techno music, we’d be allowed a few moments to talk to the fans around us or even start our own chants/noise organically. Aren’t those the best kind anyway? And I get that sometimes the “cash grab” is sponsored by Wells Fargo and hey, sometimes it IS amusing to watch a couple fatties throw themselves at a pile of 1 dollar bills, but lets consider for a second the idea of having an actual break in the action. A few moments where not much is going on except people socializing/moving around or focusing on the players and coaches in the huddle. Still need to appease the sponsors? “This moment of silence has been brought to you by Standard TV and Appliance!” No? Well I’m sure you could come up with a better way to pimp sponsor X without the blindfolded lady bumping around the court looking for the washing machine. The point is, give the fans a break and save a buck or two in the process.

3) Fire Blaze the freaking Trail Cat so fast his foam head will spin. He/She scares young children and old people, he serves no purpose I can think of (seriously ask a fan next time you’re in the garden if they think he even ADDS to the experience in any way shape or form) and I’ve heard that mascots make something like $70,000/yr. Mr. Allen, I will jump off trampolines and miss dunks for FREE.

4) Kill the non stop migraine inducing “music.” I know I sound like an old man here (I’m 28) but you could save a little more money by doing what virtually all the radio stations have done, by firing your actual DJ and just letting a computer run everything for you. Hell, you could even hire an old lady from the local church to play the organ if you didn’t like that idea. DEFENSE! (Old lady on the organ: Duh Duh) DEFENSE! (Duh Duh). I’m sure she could handle that responsibility and I bet her services would come on the cheap.    

5) I know you recycle the confetti when it falls after every victory, but REALLY? We need confetti to fall from the rafters after we just pelted the Memphis Grizzlies at home? I mean, a win is a win and I love celebrating but is that really necessary?

6) We don’t need cheer leaders and/or dancers. I’m not saying this because I care that some women are offended by other attractive women gyrating all over the place in skimpy outfits. I just don’t think its necessary. How much are you paying to cover insurance on those 90lb girls that get thrown into the air on the 300 level by another 75lb girl anyway? And if I wanted to watch a bunch of bald headed guys in sleeveless shirts with bad tattoos throw a couple of girls around I woulda stayed at the bar I was at to watch the game.

I’m sure I’m forgetting a few things but this post has gotten WAY too long as it is. Basically, a decrease in frivolous spending can be made without taking away from the product on the court. Or at least what SUPPOSED to be on the court. I trust you will do whats right for this organization.