I began this as a short spoof on EngineerScotty's latest fanpost, titled My odds concerning who will be back, but it rapidly escalated into a full-blown fanpost of its own.
It's been an up-and-down year for Dave. The Blazers made the playoffs as he predicted, but he was way short on the number of games they'd win this season. Traffic at BE increased tremendously, but he still isn't getting rich off it. Ben is picking up more slack than ever, yet Dave has less time than ever. And Dave enjoys the kind of adoration usually reserved for pop star pedophiles, yet he's constantly having to ban, suspend, smack-down, or warn unruly BEdgers who break the site rules. Still, Dave bleeds Blazers Edge red and black, he loves his status as Le Gran Frommage Blazer Fan, and what else is there to do in Boise? He'll be back. Book it.
Ben puts the Edge in Blazers Edge. He's the Bad Cop to Dave's Good Cop, and he takes no prisoners, as Steve Blake will tell you. He lives in Portland, which enables him to be Dave's eyes and ears as well as his fists. Ben loves writing for Blazers Edge because it gets him an In to the team and lots of chicks. He's not going anywhere soon. The only reason I put him at 98% instead of 99% is because we all know he's gunning for Sean's job and there's always a chance he might decide to take matters into his own hands one of these days. Sean, I wouldn't wait too long to start a family, if you know what I mean.
Jscot, along with Dave, is the Voice of Reason on Blazers Edge. He's smart, educated, is a citizen of a country that is part of the British Empire, and probably lives in a castle, which would explain why he's always talking about ruling the world. He's one of the original BE homers and a Microsoft Excel ninja. Talk about your bona fides...! I expect jscot to be around as long as BE is, but I put him only at 90% because he's been gone for a couple of weeks on business (cough) instead of fulfilling his normal duties of graphing and analyzing data, skewering BE trolls, and making grandiose yet thinly veiled threats about what he'll do when he rules the world. Is Blazers Edge that easy for him to step away from? Makes me wonder what he's hiding in that Burger King crown of his. Meanwhile, Norsktroll has quietly assumed the throne in jscot's absence. The plucky Scot could be in for a power struggle. Blood may spill.
The clever, exceedingly witty, and urbane Man About Oahu-town enlivens Blazers Edge with his offbeat sense of humor, which I liken to a tasty mix of Jay Leno, Redd Foxx, and Mother Teresa. He is easily the most popular BEdger, because who doesn't love a guy who can make you blush, guffaw, and soil yourself all at once? Despite his popularity, I'm detecting lately a sort of world-weariness in Tom, as he faces yet another generation of BEdgers hell-bent on firing Nate and trading half the team whenever they lose a game. His quips aren't quite as quick lately, his barbs sharper. Could this be the right time to trade him for pookeyguru?
Ann's status with Blazers Edge is not at question here. It's how many times she can type #25 before she pounds a hole in her keyboard. Her loyalty to Travis is admirable, considering his performance in the playoffs, but the nonstop ad hominem attacks on Outlaw's BBIQ is taking a toll on our Little Orphan Annie. Plus Travis is no lock to remain a Blazer this season. If he goes, does Ann go with him? And how long can she put up with Tom's evil twin before she decides to march off into the hills to the tune of a different drummer?
The star of this young, dashing wunderkind is rising fast, but will he consolidate his power enough by the time jscot returns to usurp the throne? Or will he suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune at the blood-stained hands of a vengeful returning king? Kobe vs LeBron will be nothing more than a cockfight in the background.
Timbo's been on a roll lately -- but at Silver Screen and Roll, not at Blazers Edge. A bizarre and extremely rare hybrid Blazer/Laker fan, Timbo has always struggled to contain the Beast Within, like Dr. Jekyll, Bruce Banner, or Ted Kennedy. Timbo is a loyal Blazer fan, but the Blazers are out of the playoffs now, the Lakers are fighting the team that ended our run, and lo and behold, Silver Screen and Roll has emerged within the SBN universe to provide Timbo the unspoiled canvas that the Laker fan inside him has longed for all these years. Timbo's leering avatar is everywhere at SS&R: on the main page, in the sidebar, in the comments. He even replies to himself, and there is no one to stop him. Unless a brave and caring group of BEdgers makes it their duty to perform a combination intervention/exorcism/macarena, Timbo may be lost to his inner demon, and to us, forever.
Donde esta nos amigo? Once a much-loved regular poster on BE, this caballero appears to have fallen off his horse and is lying in a ditch by the side of the road. Have you decided, O Blazer Fan de la Mancha, to tilt at another team's windmills? When will your caricatures once again grace our virtual pages? Perhaps it is too soon to declare amlmart MIA, but he is definitely AWOL.
Fatty's return this year from his self-imposed exile was one of the most anticipated events ever at Blazers Edge. We all wondered: what marvelous and amazing things would he say upon his return, with an entire year of pent-up rants to unleash? Would he dazzle us with his insights? Would his scorn still peel the paint off an Oden fanboy's face? Would he have learned how to punctuate a sentence? Surprisingly, fatty's return has been anticlimactic at best. He returned not with a bang but a whimper, choosing not to trumpet his arrival in a fanpost like a triumphant prodigal son but simply by commenting briefly in a couple of threads, showing us nothing new or different. He received an exceedingly high honor when Dave invited him to post on the main page, and he did well enough in that appearance. Yet a new generation of BEdgers, perhaps overstimulated by fatty's legend and by sugary energy drinks, found fatty to be a taste not to their liking. Fatty's already shown he can live without Blazers Edge. I fear he may decide to return to Patmos, where he can write his memoirs in peace.