The 2008-09 Blazers according to Happy Gilmore

I absolutely love the movie Happy Gilmore - I know it's low-brow comedy and it's a prototypical Adam Sandler comedy, but I still think it is hilariously quotable. So I thought I would apply some quotes from the movie to the 2008-09 Blazers

I am basically stealing this idea from Simmons - love him or hate him, you have to admit he writes entertaining columns, especially when he mixes sports and pop culture. So here are some Happy Gilmore quotes to sum up each player this year.

1." Did that go in? I wasn't watching, did it go in? I didn't see it, could you tell me if it went in?"

Ah, the great what-if of the year: Martell Webster. We certainly could have used a tough, lock down defender at the 3 who can stroke the 3-ball. Would Martell have been that guy? Could we have gotten Rudy's ability to stretch the day AND Nic's defensive prowess all in one complete package? Unfortunately we won't know until next year.

2. "Harness in the good energy, block out the bad. Harness. Energy. Block. Bad. It's like a carousel. You put the quarter in, you get on the horse, it goes up and down, and around. Circular, circle. Feel it. Go with the flow."

To Mr. Channing Frye - the first Blazer since Big Red to embrace the "keep Portland weird" motto. whether he was pulling crowd control duty with his frost mage in WoW, or getting dishes named after him at local restaurants, you got the feeling that Channing could REALLY have owned this city, if only he had the game of...

3. "Oh, man. That was so much easier than putting. I should just try to get the ball in one shot every time."

I have to admit, I cringe a little every time I watch LaMarcus Aldridge fake like he's going to make a move, then spin and take a turnaround fadeaway jumper with the degree of difficulty dialed up to an 11. I know he makes them more than anyone has a right to, but I think it would ease all our minds if he would just take it to the rack a bit more and get some free points at the foul line.

4. What a shot by Happy Gilmore!"

"Who the [heck] is Happy Gilmore?"

Jun wi. Jun si. No parlezvous Frances. Nicholas Batum!! Even after hearing that intro eleventy billion times (and I would take it eleventy billion more if it meant I never had to hear Storm Large butcher a classic again), I still don't understand it. What I do understand is that Nic came out of nowhere to win me over. I think of all the small forward scenarios going forward, the one I personally want most is Nic to develop into a long range assassin, continue to improve his defense, and become a dangerous passer and rebounder to give us the player we need.

5. "Gold jacket, green jacket, who gives a [BM]?"

To that old Houston Rockets fan who sat behind Nate McMillan at the Toyota Center. Seriously, what was with the wardrobe? Wow.

6. "You little son of a [female dog] ball! Why you don't you just go HOME? That's your HOME! Are you too good for your HOME? ANSWER ME!"

No one (with the possible exception of Sergio Rodriguez) inspires more polarizing viewpoints than Travis Outlaw. He just couldn't get the ball in the hole against the Rockets. I think we can all agree that Super Trout is a valuable asset; unfortunately, too often the clock struck midnight and Super Trout turned into a clown fish. But if I need someone to win me a regular season by getting a good shot in a 1on1 situation in the half court? Give me Trav.

7. "It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips."

"Get off of me!"

"Just easin' the tension, baby. Just easin' the tension!"

I think we need to employ someone like Chubbs full time for Greg Oden - both because he needs a lot of individual attention and because it seems like he plays to his potential when he is at ease. Greg showed flashes of dominance at times, but most of the time he seemed uptight, frustrated with the referees and frustrated that he was getting beaten by mere mortals. When Greg was at his best he was upbeat, relaxed, and looked like he didn't have a care in the world.

8. "He shoots, he scores!"

To the (arguably) most valauable player on a per-dollar basis on the Blazers, the Spanish sensation and heartthrob, Mr. Rudy Fernandez!. Whether he was wowing people with flashy alley-oops, ridiculously clutch three balls, or his (supposed) unbelievably hot girlfriend, Rudy scored BIG with Blazer fans. Make no mistake, he WILL be a star. Whether it is for us or not remains to be seen and depends entirely on how we use his unique blend of skills going forward. I still think he is best used off the bench for 30 minutes a game. I look forward to Rudy putting many an opponent away over the next few years.

9. "The price is wrong, [female dog]"

I like to pay attention to how loud the cheers are for a given player during the starting lineup announcements. It seemed like nobody has a greater increase in the volume of cheer from the start to the end of the season than Joel Przybilla. Joel earned the title of "fan favorite" by playing his red tush off all season long. No one else defines warrior like him, and certainly no one else owned a section of the court like he owned the paint on the defensive end. If we could pass on his toughness to our other big men we would be unstoppable.

10. "Uh-oh! Happy learned how to putt!"

The leap from star to superstar is often said to be the most difficult to make - and I believe it; there are certainly few superstars in the league. Brandon Roy established himself as a top 10 player in the league and earned respect from everywhere. He has far exceeded any reasonable expectation we had when we drafted him. No one thought he would be this good, I don't care what they say. And I think we should remove any ceiling on how good we think he can be. Sure, I wish he would hit an open Rudy a little more and an un-open Trav a little less, but its hard to argue with someone whom I expect will be the best player to ever put on the red and black.

11. "Hey, if I saw myself in clothes like that, I'd have to kick my own [bottom]."

I had high hopes for Sergio Rodriguez. In fact, I remember in pre-Oden days, after the first KP draft, when we thought we had the pieces to be a good team, but the only way we would be a championship team was if Sergio made The Leap. Now I just don't see him with a future here. So I give him this quote in honor of him and Rudy's sartorial escapades.

12. "Number 18, is that Gilmore again? How many times has this guy tried out, anyway?"

"At least ten times. Guy's got a lot of intensity."

Let me say this - if this were the NBA of 6 years ago, I think Steve Blake could absolutely be the starting point guard on a championship team. However,  I think the rules have shifted in such a way to make raw speed with the ball trump any other single attribute a PG brings to the table, and Blake doesn't bring enough else to compete with the Tony Parker's of the world. In some ways, I love the new rules - they are in some part why Roy is Roy. But I hate that they can turn someone like Aaron Brooks or Rafer Alston into such a factor.

13. "You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-[hades]-up! Now, you will go to sleep! Or I will PUT you to sleep. Check out the name tag. You're in MY world now, grandma!"

This goes to my wife's absolute favorite player, Jerryd Bayless. We went to some game in January were Bayless was just an absolute spaz, throwing himself all over the court in the effort to draw an offensive foul. Now she says things like "I would pay a million dollars to see Yao Ming with Bayless' arms attached." I love Bayless, I think he can bring a lot of things (toughness, speed, defense) that the Blazers need. I don't know that he can help us move away from our iso offense though, which I also think we need. But I look forward to seeing him on the court more next year.

14. "Good news, everybody, we're extending arts and crafts time by four hours today. "

"My fingers hurt."

"What's that?"

"My fingers hurt."

"Oh, well, now your back's gonna hurt, 'cause you just pulled landscaping duty. Anybody else's fingers hurt?... I didn't think so."

I love "Sarge" Nate McMillan. Could he earn a T or two arguing for his players more? Sure. Should we run a more full court, free flowing offense? Of course. But he someone managed to...get...FIFTY FOUR...wins from this squad, which is at the outer limits of all but the most insane predictions at the beginning of the year. Will he lead to a championship? Hopefully. If we do win a title, will we owe it to him? Absolutely. And for those bagging on McMillan, its not like Portland has awesome coaches in the past. I'm convinced Dunleavy coached us out of a title, and I'm pretty sure Adelman did too (of course with Adelman, at least he got us there in the first place). Nate has now coached two separate teams to fifty plus wins that had absolutely no business being there. I think we can win a ring with him.

15. "I tell you, the real winner today is the city of Portland. Every time I come here it gets harder to leave. I bet you put something in the water."

A final tip of the cap to Raef Lafrentz's expiring contract. Ah Raef, we hardly knew ye. But you provided far more entertainment to Blazers' fans (and NBA Fans) everywhere than someone who never saw any regular season action had any business doing.