I should have planned ahead and left one in the chamber. When I wrote that Memphis report I clearly wasn't thinking; I needed to save the super-sarcastic-mocking-of-opponent's-desire-and-abilities template for tonight, just in case.
Instead, I will have to liven up this fantastic dramatic erotic report about this evening's113 to 83 win over "Oklahoma City" by over-using quotation marks with no apparent rhyme or reason.
So what "decided" the outcome of this "contest?" "Oklahoma City" didn't bother to play any "defense," allowing "dunk" after "dunk" after "dunk" against a far superior opponent. The "Thunder's" "stars", Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook and Jeff Green, combined to "hit" 12 of 38 "shots." Earl Watson "managed" 5 turnovers in just 25 minutes and "Robert Swift" (despite "rampant cheering" from Kevin Pelton) did whatever the "exact opposite of controlling the paint" is.
Travis Outlaw "overcame" the Thunder's "perimeter defense" to lead the Blazers with 21 points. Brandon Roy "walked straight to the hoop" for "easy buckets" on multiple occasions and then "sat down and cheered on his teammates for 3 and a half hours." Greg Oden displayed "cathartic aggression" by dunking over "anyone, everyone and no one" on multiple occasions. "Michael Ruffin" "scored" "points." "Seriously."
Are the quotes helping make this more interesting? No? "Crap." This post is a "gimmick," sure. But so are the "Thunder." "No disrespect."
But seriously, "Thunder" "fans", "it is what it is." "You know it and I know it."
"Step your game up."
"There's always next year."
Latest Playoff Rally Information
The Trail Blazers RIP CITY UPRISE rally, in Pioneer Courthouse Square, will take place from noon-3 p.m. The event, which will feature music, contests, giveaways, video entertainment and appearances by alumni ambassadors, will be emceed by Trail Blazers play-by-play voice Mike Barrett and will feature an appearance by the entire Trail Blazers team and coaching staff at approximately 2 p.m.
Random Game Notes
- Jason Quick comes over before the game to explain why he was laughing after the last game (it was because Brandon accidentally sprayed lotion all over Kerry Eggers, as he wrote). Within ten seconds, I go "Hey Jason, I'm about to [use the restroom profanely], do you want to come along and take notes?" Yes, I'm the kind of person that prepares unoriginal jokes hours in advance of telling them, laughs at his own jokes while telling them, then re-tells the jokes 20 times in real life, and then finally re-tells them once again on the internet. Quick laughed it (me) off.
- And he almost strained a cornea rolling his eyes when I asked, "How many times did James Joyce need to go behind the bathroom door for material?"
- I kid because I love.
- Brandon described himself after the game as someone that "doesn't wear bright colors. Some people can pull it off, not me." For the first time all season, Brandon wore a shirt that we'd seen before -- a brown aviator style shirt with Brown Chuck Taylors to match. Interestingly, he was quick to point out, "Nike owns Converse!" He also refused to discuss which color Converses he owns but doesn't wear because he didn't want to offend anyone that liked wearing those colors. There is some serious MJ to B Roy's press game. Just saying.
- Kevin Pelton dropped this stunning line, "I'm convinced Robert Swift would have been good if not for blowing out his ACL." Pelton, a former Sonics employee, refused to comment when asked whether Swift was drafted before or after psychological evaluations became a standard part of the pre-draft process.
- What up to these two BE-reading heroes who crashed press row with Martell-esque joie de vivre. I salute you.
- In his pregame session, Nate made the claim that "Everyone [in the Western Conference] wants to face us [in the playoffs]." No one in the room was convinced that this is actually the case. Was Nate borrowing a page from Phil Jackson's playbook?
- Also of note: Nate was answering pregame questions with one eye on a television in his office tuned to the Houston vs. New Orleans game.
- Will someone please find the Rex 1 handed Grant Hill at Duke alley oop and put it on Youtube? Please?????
- Here's Rex's amazing 1 handed Grant Hill at Dunk alley oop dunk.
- Believe it or not, before the game Kevin Durant couldn't miss. He knocked down something like 12 out of 13 three pointers at one point.
- Here's a picture of Kevin Durant's signature shoe in the White/Red colorway. I don't dig too deep into the post-season awards but I consider these the single best game-shoe in the NBA this season. Durant was wearing a White/Orange version today. Jeff Green was wearing a White/Blue version as well.
- After the game, there were a bunch of people circles in the locker room trying to determine the playoff matchups. Blazers PR man Collin Romer deduced that Dallas is no longer a potential playoff opponent for the Blazers.
- Ooh, late add... Here, Brian Hendrickson wrote up all the playoff scenarios. Dave will check in later on the topic as well, I'm sure. Don't look at me for help on this; I listen to Nate and take it one game at a time.
- Bill Schonely sang a patriotic medley before the game. Nice voice on that guy.
- Nic Batum caused a serious panic by not starting the game. People. Love. Nicky. Barnes. His current status is day-to-day with "flu-like symptoms," according to the team.