If A Blazer Was A Beer

In my personal view of life, two of the most beloved things I’ve found in all the universe include beer and the Blazers. In a hierarchy of priorities, they are somewhere below family and… well that’s about it, and not below family by all that much. In fact, if offered front row seats for a playoff game in exchange for my firstborn child, I would consider it long and hard (my lovely bride is boring holes in the back of my head as I write this). As comes natural to all people, keeping such passions isolated to one aspect of life seems a shame. Thus, we combine them in fun and creative ways!

The obvious and most common method for combining these two pursuits involves drinking beer while watching Blazer games. But what if there was another way? As much as I love drinking beer while watching the Blazers, it doesn’t hurt to consider ways to expand one’s horizons. Possibilities went through my head as I pondered this quandary...
     -   Blazer dunk tank. One toss of a softball could send a Blazer into a rich foamy tank of chocolate stout.
     -   Blazer flavored beer. Finished beer is filtered through game worn socks and sweatbands before bottling.
     -   Beer ad campaign starring Blazer players, past and present.
Of course, these concepts are (in order) totally unrealistic, disgusting and completely beyond my control. In fact, to drink and enjoy the sweat beer would surely be an indication of mental instability. As a more rational, but still pointless, objective I will attempt to answer the eternal question: if a Blazer was a beer, what beer would he be and why?

In order of appearance (in most games)-

LaMarcus Aldridge = IRA (Imperial Red Ale), by Double Mountain
Is this beer a red? An IPA? It has the malty body and color of a red ale, but the hop profile of an IPA. In short, it is multifaceted, yet balanced – much like LaMarcus. Number 12 has the ability to drain silky smooth mid-range jumpers over even tall defenders. At the same time, he has the quickness (and hops) to handle smaller matchups laterally and dominate in the post.

Steve Blake = Fat Tire, by New Belgium
If you have a friend that has drank nothing but fizzy yellow macrobrews all their life, this might be the beer that breaks their micro cherry. It is a gateway brew. It makes it possible for all the other beers of the world to succeed on a person’s palette. Similarly, Steve might not be the one that scores the points on a given possession, but he’s usually the one who successfully brings the ball up and facilitates success for others.

Greg Oden = your buddy’s homebrew
The emphasis here is on potential. You know what comprises these on a basic physical level – 7 feet of insane athleticism and strength / hops, barley, water. However, it is hard to tell what you’ll have when the product is complete. There is no guarantee from anybody as to what you’ll get when it comes time to experience this beer to its fullest. It could be delicious. It could be a total disaster. The only thing that is certain with that milky colored vat in the garage is that it bears hope for what might be.

Nicolas Batum = 2008 Domaine Drouhin Pinot Noir
Nicolas is French. It was going to be either wine or Perrier, but not beer. Batum is the Drouhin Pinot of basketball because his game is French born, but Oregon evolved. Also, it is immediately clear that both have all the elements needed to be absolutely stellar, except a little maturity. Having Nic on your team or this 2008 vintage wine in your cellar are both causes for excitement, but both will also be much better in a couple of years.

Brandon Roy = Adam, by Hair of the Dog
Perhaps the easier Blazer to use in ascribing anthro  blazerpomorphic qualities to a beer. This is a remarkably complex beer, one that even experienced connoisseurs cannot claim to completely understand. One thing that is very evident, though, is that it is extremely good. Adam is good in a way that transcends flavor, as though it somehow communicates moral and ethical goodness via taste buds. Similarly, B-Roy’s game somehow makes me feel better about the prospects for mankind. This beer doesn’t have a million dollar ad campaign, but the residents of Portland don’t need a national media outlet (ESPN/ Draft Magazine) to know it is worth their time to wait in line to taste the goods (at the Rose Garden/ dock sale).

Joel Przybilla = Sessions, by Full Sail
This beer is easy drinking and relatively one dimensional. As its name suggests, it is a sessions style lager. Beer Advocate says this about sessions style beers: "The purpose of a session beer is to allow a beer drinker to have multiple beers, within a reasonable time period or session, without overwhelming the senses or reaching inappropriate levels of intoxication. (Yes, you can drink and enjoy beer without getting drunk.)" Joel isn’t going to knock the opposition over on his own, but he’ll be there for you as long as you need him.

Travis Outlaw = Obsidian Stout, by Deschutes
Stouts, like Trout, seem to me to be rather divisive. People love them or hate them, with very few in between. Obsidian is relatively light-bodied for a stout, but has a flavorful finish. Likewise, a great of percentage of Trout’s shots will result in cheers about how it finishes rather than how it looks when it leaves his hand.

Rudy Fernandez = Hefeweizen, by Widmer
This comparison largely stems from the readily apparent appeal of both to women. I also like to think of the Widmer Hef as being the type of beer somebody might turn to late at night, saying to themselves "I’ve had a few. I should probably take it easy from here on out. Hmm… that Hef looks light and innocent enough. I’ll have one of those, please, Barkeep." Next thing the person knows, they’re bouncing off of walls and leaning on the jukebox for stability while dancing to Ricky Martin. Rudy might look like just a flashy yellow beer served with a wedge of fruit, but he ain’t no Coors Light. In such a way, Rudy is thoroughly capable of delivering the back breaking three to complete a monster comeback and break an opponent’s resolve.

Sergio Rodriguez = Scottish Ale, Fearless Brewing Company
This is more a commentary on the brewery than the beer, really. It has proven it can do one thing particularly well (Scottish Ale for Fearless, set the table on offense for Sergio), but hasn’t shown the consistency that would earn it the status of a top tier brewery (earn status as starter, in Sergio’s case). Maybe this brewery/ player has the ability to round out its game and truly establish itself, but I sort of wonder if the learning curve hasn’t run its course. Definitely the hardest player for me to pin down in beer form.

Channing Frye = PBR
Portlanders love this beer to a degree that is disproportionate to the beer’s degree of excellence. Same goes for Channing. The watchword for both is fun. We don’t drink PBR because it is winning any (additional) awards, we drink it because it is refreshing and light on the tongue. Similarly, we like Channing as much for his blogging as for his b-ball skills. In other words, which beer/Blazer is most likely to be spotted at Ground Kontrol?

Jerryd Bayless = Old Crustacean Barley Wine, by Rogue
One taste of it leaves the drinker saying to themselves, "Good Lord, calm down a bit! I love what you’re going for, but you don’t need to kick me in the teeth." This beer is intense, big bodied, and goes straight for the jugular each and every time. It doesn’t know how not to. You wouldn’t want an entire team of Jerryds, just as you probably wouldn’t want more than one serving of Old Crustacean at a time.

Personal note: A few years ago at a Super Bowl party, I drank one of those very large ceramic bottles of Old Crustacean by myself over the course of the first half. Let me emphasize that you should exercise great caution if thinking about having more than one serving at a time.

Michael Ruffin = The gift brought by your brother-in-law back from vacation
All that you know about this beer is a vague sense of where it came from, and that it didn’t cost you much.

Shavlik Randolph = Bowl of Pretzels
Shavlik isn’t the beer you drink. He’s the guy on the sidelines cheering you on, helping the team achieve its goal through encouragement.

Martell Webster = Kris Kringle, by McMenamins
This seasonal beer is done pouring for the year. Come back next fall for a taste.

Raef LaFrentz (and his expiring contract) = Knuckle Dragger, by Walking Man (let me explain…)
My wife was at PDX a while back and saw this guy get stopped by security. He was trying to bring a growler from Walking Man Brewery back to his home in Alaska, but regulations obviously disallowed any containers of liquid that size from being carried on. He had to make a decision – either pour it out, or reschedule the flight home. He went with secret option #3: attempt to drink the entire thing in the airport bathroom (can’t let Walking Man go to waste, right?). In short, it was for the best if he didn’t think about how much he paid for the beer, and how it made him feel after trying to make use of it. After all was said and done, the growler would have been of greater utility to somebody else, but he couldn’t stand to let it go for nothing.

Thanks for reading! This was the product of hours of debate with Mrs. T$, and I must give credit where it is due: she came up with most of the good ideas. Feel free to add to and give input. This thing isn’t laminated B-Edge lore by any measure.