Adopt a Trail Blazer

From the current Bill Simmons "Sports Guy Mailbag" already discussed in the fanshots comes this question and answer:

Q: This is a little bit closely related to your holiday gifts column only with a spin: How about sponsoring Mike Dunleavy's page on basketball-reference.com and making a sarcastic comment about him on it? Hey, its only 10 bucks. -- Bilal, Boston

SG: Done and done. What's sad is I spent a solid 45 minutes crafting the right testimonial before finally settling on what I wrote. Any time you can spend 10 bucks to sponsor the Undertaker, you have to do it.

What did he write?

Bill Simmons sponsor(s) this page. 

I wasted tens of thousands of dollars on Clippers tickets from 2004-2009 thanks to Dunleavy, only one of the most dreadful coach/GM's in NBA history. What's another 10 dollars?

Now basketball-reference is a really good source and respected website which many fans and journalists use for player stats and comparisons, so to start things out it's not a bad place to support with your ad and I don't feel bad about advertising for it here. Personally I tend to overlook the yellow sponsorship text banners at the top a bit, but hey at least most of them are pretty cheap to sponsor for a year with prices according to traffic and relevance I assume. And because of that, besides really advertising for something you created you can take one just to write your personal agenda message for fun - like Simmons did.

Here is the state of Trail Blazers virtual real estate in an ailing economy for your viewing pleasure, Blazer's Edgers:

Greg Oden's page is already taken, by some guy who found it funny to compare him to Bowie. Very original. At least he had this opinion since last summer. (So is Kevin Durant's page by a Dallas Cowboys fan, in case you wanted to stick it to him or his bromance Simmons.)

Before that happens to your favorite player, grab his site! You can instantly pay via PayPal, your Amazon account, or (slow and offline) via money order/transfer. Your message will appear in a day or so and be visible for one year (don't know how renewals are handled, probably on a first come basis). You can also edit it later. Here we go.

Kevin Pritchard: A real bargain at $10. So I bought me some Kevin Lee Pritchard myself before somebody else did to make fun of the best GM ever. An ideal page to sponsor for future general managers so I linked it back to Blazer's Edge, the site with the best trade suggestions. You are welcome Dave and Ben. (Sorry Storyteller, I also thought about linking your excellent site, but then decided on the greater good. Maybe you can take another GM for this year.)

Nate McMillan: Support the best coach in the NBA for $20. Or cry for his immediate resignation. Your call.

Maurice Lucas: A great player and assistant coach for just $25. Don't tell his boss that he costs less.

Roster:

LaMarcus Aldridge: $40 for LaMarcus forever. Hurry before Jksnake declares him a bust that will never be as good as Chris Bosh (who is not available anymore).

Nicolas Batum: Is taken. Sophia is in agony :) At least the message is supportive.

Jerryd Bayless: Available for $20. Tell the world to Free B-Rex.

Steve Blake: Point guard starting today at $25.

Rudy Fernandez: Is taken as well. Sorry Twiggs. But it's a regular blog ad.

Channing Frye: I wouldn't put it past Channing that he uses this site to "google" himself. Maybe Timbo will shell out $20 to tell him to get his butt in the friggin paint and rebound?

Raef LaFrentz: No word if his page is expiring after this season. Just kidding, it won't. Right? Right? One of the best players to ever come out of the University of Kansas for $25. Maybe Paul Allen should sponsor this. 

Greg Oden: Taken, see intro.

Travis Outlaw: #25 for only $20 sounds like a steal. Bo Outlaw is also available for $15. Tell the world he is not Travis and Travis Marquez is not Bo. Just make sure you are on the correct site when doing so :)

Joel Przybilla: He is yours for $25. Declare the Vanilla Gorilla an All-NBA defender and secret MVP of the Blazers.

Shavlik Randolph: A real bargain for $10. I could imagine an ad along the lines of "Hi I'm Dr. Celeste aka LetsBlaze, chiropractor to Shav and the stars, and I can fix your bones and bring your health back to NBA readiness too".

Sergio Rodriguez: For $15. He could dish more assists per night than that. If only Nate would play him more. Support Spanish Chocolate and tell him that.

Brandon Roy: Taken by a blog about the Blazers and other things I didn't know about yet. So the ad worked.

Michael Ruffin: Order your McRuffins at $15.

Marell Webster: See Roy.

Since they are not in the NBA, unsigned draft picks Petteri Koponen and Joel Freeland are not yet listed by basketball-reference.

Others that could be fun in no particular order:

• Sam Bowie. For $50. You can tell the world he was better than Jordan. Or something.
• Clyde the Glide for $90. A bit pricey, but ultimately worth every cent.
• Lafayette Lever for a pretty fat $35.
• Pay a tribute to Kevin Duckworth for $20. We miss you Duck.
• Bill Walton. Declare him the greatest center ever for $80.
• Championship coach Jack Ramsay is another steal for $10.
• Considering that for #1 pick LaRue Martin you would have to pay $15. I sure hope Greg will be worth more in the future.
• Scottie Pippen for $175. Pricey, but could be worth it to tell the world he was a Blazer and not a Bull, right?
• More in memoriam: Ike Diogu with about the longest real name for just $15.
• A tear for Jarrett Jack for the same price.
• McBob for just $10. You can't sponsor his d-league stats.
• Baron Von Wafer for $25. I bet he was cheaper last season.
• Same for Ha Seung-Jin. Maybe you own a Korean restaurant in Portland?
• Qyntel Woods for the same price. Anybody with a tasteful dog fighting website?
• Darius Miles for $40. The man was always a bit pricey, huh :)
• Damon Stoudamire for $35. Too much for Mighty Mouse?
• Rasheed Wallace is taken by Both Teams Played Hard. Fitting.
• Dirk Nowitzki for $140. Ouch. A bit expensive to tell him to come to the Blazers and win two championships as a backup :)
• More beloved former players and current GMs/coaches in the mold of Dunleavy like Danny Ainge for $40 (e.g. for our own future GM Storyteller to tell him about the deals he messed up ) or Kevin McHale for $65. I should forward that to Celtics Blog and Canis Hoopus right now.  

Submit which other Blazers legend (the older and less well known the cheaper) or other player you thought of, and what you did in the comments ;-)

Update: Thanks to this page on Basketball-Reference I just discovered that my newly sponsored KP was a teammate of Sheed in Washington (along with e.g. Juwan Howard, Chris Webber and Gheorghe Mureshan). How funny is that?