Blazers Edge to Coach Team, Officials Announce

Jason Quick is reporting that Paul Allen is fed up. And his response is to unveil the Mass Populace Coaching Machine (MPCM).


After coming to the conclusion that one person cannot possibly see all the angles necessary for perfectly coaching a team in real-time, he has unveiled an experimental method. The top 100 posters of Blazers Edge will be wired up before each game and—in a pattern familiar to those who watched the real-time pollsters during the presidential debates—will press good/bad buttons on various personnel and plays that will dictate the course of the game. Thus, the MPCM. Organizational insiders, in homage to 2001: A Space Odyssey, are merely calling it “Dave.”


“It’s a little bit like a video game,” Paul Allen said. “But it’s real. That’s what I do. With my money, I mean. I make fantasy stuff real.”


Kevin Pritchard is in favor of the movement. “This is about culture. And what reflects the culture of Portland better than the area’s leading fan site calling the shots? It’s about culture and it’s about growing the culture. Dave of Blazers Edge has a culture that we want to emulate. Culture.”


When asked if he would participate in the polling given the rumors that he maintains three separate identities on the popular website, he said only “You have to ask yourself, would it help the culture?” and wandered off to a local arts festival.


The margin of victory for PG is currently razor thing. Polls today indicate that Sergio has a 0.0012% lead for the starting position but that it could change by game time. In fact, observers have speculated it could change during the national anthem or if Sergio smiles at his opponent during the pre-game handshake. SergioFTW—having made the top-100 by the skin of his teeth—said, “There are a lot of haters out there. They feel like B-rex being a total jerk to the opponent is going to translate to wins. It’s about running the offense… and you can run the offense with a smile on your face. And anyway, look at this graph. It shows wins and losses correlated with the number of PG smiles. As you can see, Bayless actually DOES smile a lot but people just don’t see that.” Asked for a response to SergioFTW, Bayless bit the head off of a hapless pigeon and continued to practice jump shots.


The MPCM is expected to be heavily engaged in the PG position where Sergio, at the first turnover or opponent layup is likely to be pulled from the game—usually at the 11:32 mark in the 1st quarter. Bayless will then play until the first handcheck foul—estimated to be at the 11:04 mark. Each player is expected to receive about 25min of playing time in chunks of 40 seconds.


The day-to-day coaching stuff—still responsible for player development—is a bit concerned.


“It’s going to be kind of chaotic,” said Bill Bayno, “I mean, are we going to pull Outlaw whenever he makes a fruit loop shot? But what if they go in? They do, you know. I don’t know why, either but they do. I mean, Dave… er, the MCPM, will probably substitute out Travis while the ball is in the air and then put him back in if the shot goes in. It’s going to be kind of hard to respond to keep up with that.”


Rudy is in favor of the new system but is coy about why. But other players were less shy. “Shoot, this Dave don’t bother him none,” teammate Diogu explained, “I mean, he’s hot! Look at him. Even I kinda dig him a little bit. He’s got the whole female vote locked down, know what I mean? Now look at my hair. Look at it! How am I gonna get any burn with this mop? Now I gotta invest in stuff for looks.”


Dave himself is very excited about the prospect. “I regard it as the natural evolution of coaching,” he said. “Look at the history. Sabremetrics has replaced the box score. Blogs have absolutely destroyed print media because we’re better, we’re faster, and we’re more real. The coach was the next logical extension of the internet.”


When asked what was next, Dave responded, “Isn’t it obvious? It’s KP’s job! We trust him and he’s done a great job—and I think he should keep his position as minister of culture—but really, we can do better. Once we perfect the coaching, we’ll use the aggregated scores from all of our trade drawers to execute trades and drafts.”


For the upcoming games, Roy has been cautioned against whining to the officials, Oden has brought in some acting coaches to make him look more motivated for the voters, and Batum was seen practicing his smiles. “You are hot you French devil you. Oui! You know what the French can do! Who would not vote for you!”  


Some defects exist, however. It appears that Blake and Webster might actually get playing time despite not being on the active roster and Jarret Jack is getting some votes despite playing for the Pacers. In fact, Kevin Durant and Chris Paul are appearing on some MPCM schemes as some refuse to accept that they weren’t drafted. “The MCPM is going to execute things as they should be, not as they are,” Mortimer announced with vigor.


“There are some bugs,” Dave responded. “We’ll work that out.”

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