A Satirical Review of the Miami Heat Game

Last night's game made me extremely frustrated, and had I posted my thoughts at that time, I may have been banned from BEdge for eternity.  Somehow between 10pm last night and this morning, my view shifted from anger to bemusement.  This is what i came up with.  This may not be appropriate for a FanPost as it's just me goofing around, but I liked how it turned out and wanted to share.  If BEdgers feel I should delete it, please let me know, and I will.

The Brandon Roy show began about 7:12pm last night as our max contract star asked for more touches and got them. In fact, I think Brandon touched the ball on every single possession. Rumor has it that in order to keep Brandon happy, Nate had considered running plays so that Brandon could touch the ball on offensive sets when he was on the bench. After consultation with the NBA, it was determined that doing so would create a turnover by the Blazers. Still Nate considered it in an effort to keep Brandon comfortable. Asked about it afterwards, Nate replied, “It was a game time decision. The offense should flow through Brandon even when he is not on the court, but the rules just don’t allow for it.” Roy attempted to score on every possession and finished the night with 9 for 327 shooting. In his post game comments, Brandon said that even though he got his touches, his Blakey, his contract and his preferred pecking order, the Rose Garden temperature was 0.27 degrees higher on average than it was last year, and it was causing confusion. Immediately following his interview, the entire Rose Garden maintenance staff was fired via text message, and a new, elite HVAC specialty firm was hired at an annual cost of 45 million dollars. Nachos now cost $2.00 more, micro-brews are $15.00 for a 6 ounce glass, and the bathrooms have a cover charge. Go Blazers!!!!!

The feel good story of the night was the reasonably solid play from 37 year old Juwon Howard. His 14 points, 5 rebounds and two assists lead fans in the upper bowl to scream, “Brandon, pass the ball to Juwon.” In a bold defensive effort that could have easily led to a broken hip, Howard took two charges in the first half. It was a scene of complete officiating perversity when a washed up, 16 year veteran playing for the minimum contract stepped in front of perennial All-Star and 16 million dollar man Dwayne Wade, and a charge was called on Wade. One can only surmise that the official was new, had grown up in a remote village without access to the NBA, and got the job because his Uncle hires the officiating crews.

Rudy Fernandez was essentially worthless last night, but he did invent a new shot. A cross between an alley oop and a tear drop, the shot will likely be named either an alley drop or a tear oop. Regardless, the result is an air ball. It’s kind of like that $80.00 firework you buy on the 4th of July that turns out to be a dud. It flies way up in the air and generates a ton of anticipation but just fizzles out in the end. Kudos to Rudy. You are a true original.

Jerryd Bayless played 12 seconds scoring two points and committing one foul (he was actually on the bench when he was assessed the penalty – Now that’s aggression). He spent the remainder of the night analyzing current stat sheets for Channing Frye and Sergio Rodriguez, wondering why the players who left the Blazers were having break-out seasons with their new teams. After the game, Jerryd ordered 20,000 T-shirts with the phrase “Free Bayless” on them. They are available on his blog site for $14.95. However, Brandon gets 50% of the proceeds because it’s his team.

LaMarcus Aldridge, a true warrior in every sense of the word, rode the pine last night with a Hello Kitty bandage on one knee and a rainbow slushee in both hands. When asked about his injury, Aldridge responded, “My knee is sore, and I like slushees.” Never fear Blazer fans, LaMarcus will be tireless in his rehabilitation. A bruised knee could end some players career, but Aldridge vowed he would fight through the pain and return no later than April.

Gregory Wayne Oden Jr. had a career night on the boards ripping down 20 rebounds in 30 minutes of play. He was so dominant that in final minutes of the game, he actually rebounded Jermaine O’Neal’s head and fired it upcourt to Andre Miller. Normally an event so freakish would make national news. However, at that point so late in the game, there was no one in Rose Garden to witness it. A reliable source has stated that O’Neal is fine and will play in Miami’s next game. LaMarcus Aldridge is still a day to day decision. The Warrior spirit lives on.

The Mighty Blakester was on fire last night nailing 3 of 5 three pointers. Unfortunately, the points came with 14 seconds left in the game when Miami was up by 72 points. Afterwards, Blake said, “If only basketball games lasted 148 minutes, I think we could have made a run.” Blake also showed his legendary defensive prowess in the 1st quarter getting two steals within 30 seconds of each other. He then turned the ball over Rudy Fernandez style on a behind the back pass. Apparently, on his drive to the basket, the rim stepped in front of him, and he was afraid of drawing a charge.

Andre Miller once again displayed his amazing BBIQ last night. Sadly, his teammates are still taking Special Ed classes so passes that should have created awe-inspiring highlight reels sailed out of bounds, were stolen, and in general made fans wonder if Andre was staging a protest for having to come off the bench. Andre and Howard, who have played a combined 125 years in the NBA, did connect on a beautiful give and go. Afterwards on the bench, they hugged, took their Centrum Silver multi-vitamins and chugged Geritol. Giving credit were credit is due, Brandon took home the “Pass of the Night” award when he threw the ball into Greg’s back trying to swing it around the perimeter to Blake. Max contract, baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joel Przybilla scored no points, had 4 rebounds and 5 fouls. Seemingly a terrible game for Joel, it’s hard to blame him. Miami guards were beating their man and flying at him from every angle. Imagine a 7ft, plodding goliath playing dodgeball against the pitching corps of the New York Yankees only the goliath’s feet are glued to the ground a foot past the center line. Two words: perimeter defense.

But, hey, at least the 6 people left when the game ended got Chalupas. Baby steps!!!!!!!!!!