So I am so excited for thanksgiving. It is the biggest meal I will cook in the winter (I got the BBQ going all summer long), and so I thought it'd be appropriate to share my recipe for the most delicious, succulent, juiciest, most moistest, sweetest turkey with the most tender boobs possible. This junk is so wet it's pouring off the cutting board, onto the counter, and down onto the floor. So if you wanna know the secret, (or you think you already know, and want to feel all special and smart about yerself), then cross the jumpy line with me, and I'll clues yous in.
So the first thing to do, is forget what your mom did. Forget about Norman Rockwell paintings and the cover of Sunset magazine. If you cook your bird like Martha Stewart you are gonna go dry. FIGHT THE CONSPIRACY. Now there are two schools of thought when it comes to step number one. To brine or not to brine. Some will say that by brining, you will replace some of the water that's naturally occurring in the turkey with flavored water. Sounds good, and the rules for that are pretty simple. Salt and water are the main components, mixed up like it says, briny. That means saltier than sea water. To that you can add spices, liquor, herbs, sugar, what have you. Personally I don't brine, I rub oil and salt and poultry seasoning all over my bird, and it turns out plenty good. The main reason is because I don't want a couple gallons of turkey water floating around, and I don't have a very large fridge and, what can I say, I'm lazy.
So once you've figured out what your gonna do there, the next and THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, is how you cook the turkey. I roast mine in the oven. I don't know nothing bout no deep-fried jibba jabba, so step aside with your overloaded, housefire bucket, and talk that smack to someone else. I take a roasting pan, fill it up with chopped onions, carrots, celery and herbs and I heat the oven up to 400 degrees, and I throw that bird in there, and here it is, BOOB SIDE DOWN. I know it sounds crazy, but trust me. Stick that sucka boob side down on those veggies, make a little tent with aluminum foil to keep from burning wingtips, and slide that sucker in. As a rule I drop the temp after about 45 minutes to 325, and cook for another 45 minutes before I pull that thing out, put on my gloves that look like they had a bit part in the hostel movies, and I flip that bird over. Only cook it like this for the first 1/3 of the total time. It'll be hot and slippery, but I'm sure if you ask Tominhawaii nicely, he will tell you how to handle such things.
After that cook it for another third of the time with the foil put back in place, then for the last 1/3, I take the foil off and let it get brown. When the mams are 160-165 take it out and let it rest, for at least half an hour. That's it. The other side benefit, is by cooking it on your veggies and herbs, you will create the best turkey stock for making your gravy, that you could possibly have. Already flavored and thanksgivingy, follow these steps and save your accolades for yourself, give it to your family and look like a friggin' turkey genius. Delicious turkey.
this is a turkey
this is Turkey
this is the biggest turkey
this was my turkey last year ^^^^^