FanPost

Inglorius Repost

 

 I hate to do it, this is a repost from a reply I made to Bens Media Day commentary but I had to repost it as I think The Colonel might of been on to something....

 

Col. Hans Landa: ….and so Mr. Batum, you will not be offended if we switch our conversation from French to English?

Nic Batum: No, that would be fine.

Col. Hans Landa: Good, we all want to be comfortable. So just for my personal records, could you tell me how your shoulder feels? Plus explain to me again how you got this injury? You were flown from Europe to the USA for a MRI were you not?

Nic Batum: (small sweat beads forming on forehead) Uh….do you mind if I smoke?

Col. Hans Landa: No, not at all, this is of course your own practice facility, please make yourself comfortable.

Nic Batum: My shoulder was bothering me last season, it’s feeling much better now.

Col Hans Landa: ( Takes out own pen and paper, hit’s play on small voice recorder)

Nic Batum: (Larger beads of sweat now clearly visible) I can’t really remember any one event that lead to this injury, it was a….long season last year…..(coughs)

Col Hans Landa: Certainly…of course. I was just wondering how much of a factor it was last season? I mean we didn’t hear much about it until your play for your national team. A young man in the midst of his rookie year in the N.B.A. can’t be expected to remember everything….it must of been an exciting time for you? Could I trouble you for a glass of milk?

Nic Batum: (Now clearly rattled) Uh, what milk? Screaming across facility "Hey Bayno! Col Hans Landa would like a glass of milk! ….uh, (coughs again) Yes, The Blazers flew me into Portland and I had an MRI, I was cleared… I was cleared to return and play for my national team…..

Col Hans Landa: (Closes Notebook, Turns Off Recorder, Speaks in French) So Mr, Batum, I have come to enjoy a level of success in my job by learning to think like a player. While my colleagues are stuck thinking like Journalists and Reporters, I have separated myself from them by knowing how a player thinks. That is why I am known as "The Quote Hunter". So I must ask you to reply in calmly and in french? Alright?

Nic Batum: (Tears running down face)

Col Hans Landa: Andre Miller? You know of him? Yes, certainly you do. The Blazers summer free agent aquirement? Well what you did not know, was that I advised Hedo Turkoglu in his dealing with The Blazers….ah Mr. Bayno with the milk…I am looking forward to talking with Oden later….he has so many nice things to say about you Mr. Bayno….(sips milk)

Nic Batum: ( Seem to be internally looking for inner strength while fighting back silent tears ).

Col Hans Landa: (In French) So Mr. Andre Miller? Conspicious in his absence at todays "Media Day"?

Nic Batum: I haven’t seen him….(gulps visibly)

Col Hans Landa: You see, many of my colleagues would be happy to move on. To go speak with Juwan Howard, or Joel Przybilla….but I WANT Andre Miller. And so, unless you want me to write an article saying that your shoulder injury is chronic and has been a hidden issue I would suggest you answer my following questions as earnestly as possible Mr. Batum. Do we have an understanding?

Nic Batum: (Mimics Bobblehead…Nods Silently)

Col Hans Landa: So….Andre Miller is hiding underneath the floorboards of this basketball court is he not?

Nic Batum: (Blood trickles from corner of mouth as he subconciously bites tongue, while tears gush from face) Nods.

Col Hans Landa: Good, now if you would be kind enough to point out roughly where he is located underneath the floorboards, I think we can end our interview and I can go ask him how he feels about the prospect of being Steve Blakes back-up.

Nic Batum: (Points to spot on the court where Blaze has been sitting over a concealed trap door)

Col Hans Landa: (Close notebook, clicks pen, drops voice recorder into jacket pocket) Switching to English-Thank You Mr. Batum…you have made this an interesting Media Day. I’m sure that shoulder is nothing. Like I told Jerryd Bayless earlier….there are things you must take very, very seriously and things you must let slide…and often the secret to sucess is knowing the difference. Have you ever been to Toronto Mr. Batum? Very cosmopolitan city…great pizza I hear…..

Nic Batum: (Totally crumpled in seat, sobbing silently)

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