An exposé by Randall Hubbard: Psychic Pumpkin Detective.
Is The Great Pumpkin a myth, a legend, or reality? Emanations from the underworld bring an end to the speculation here and now.
New forensic psychic evidence has proven that Greg Oden is the Great Pumpkin. A transcribed interview between Madam Scary (renowned medium of pumpkin patch fame) and Nostradamus has been unearthed.
Madam Scary: So you say that this Oden is the Great Pumpkin, and that the Great Pumpkin story is really a coded message, a prophecy of sorts?
Nostradamus: Der is nos questions about it, Da Great Pumpkin is Gregs Odenz. Many think I have large zucchini up my buttoochi. Dis offend me greatly, and is most ludicrous. If you know me, you vwill know dat my psychic vibe come from de hooked-neck yellow squash.
Madam Scary: Most everyone would say that Charles Schulz invented the mythical character of the Great Pumpkin.
Nostradamus: Methinks you is Vwrong on two accounts. First – So’s YOUR FACE.
2nd – Dis is no myth. 3rd – me and Chucky Schulz collaborated psychically on dis. And I might add, he is lousy suck face kisser, and he need a left/right turn signal on dat tongue he got.
You must understandz. All da pieces fit da perfectly, and dis pumpkin prophecy vwill most certainly be fulfilled.
Just like nobody is for sure of dis Great Pumpkin, nobody vwill be for sure of dis Oden until it happens. It is no coincidence dat da NBA season starts, and den immediately we have da pumpkin festivities.
Madam Scary: Does this mean other characters are portrayed in the Great Pumpkin story.
Nostradamus: Oh my goodnesses, boy howdy doodoo, youins is one dumb chicken Madam Scary. Snoopy is BRoy, Woodstock is de soft spoken Lamarcus. It is no happenstancer dat Snoopy wears his Roy Brown flying ace outfit from da Great War. When da game is on da line, give Snoopy da ball.
Madam Scary: Let me guess, Charlie Brown is Travis? No?
Nostradamus: Bingo, Bango, Bongo, Everybody love him, but he still da blockhead. Methinks the resemblance is quite remarkable. No?
Madam Scary: So your zucchini says this is the year for the Blazers?
Nostradamus: Oh man, I hate you fo dat. But yes, da season will start, and Da Great Pumpkin will rise, just as in my prognostication, and everybody vwill know dat dis Great Pumpkin is fo real. Rise wit us, it da bomb.
Madam Scary: And you say Galileo has given you credence as well?
Nostradamus: fo sho, berdy berdy much so. He measure every pumpkin, and da average pumpkin is exactomendo da size of da basketball. He say "ubber fantastico" when he find dat out.
Madam Scary: I still don’t see how this say’s the Blazers win the NBA title.
Nostradamus: Oh my goodnesses gracious, yo momma. Did you even read Da Great Pumpkin? DID YOU EVEN READ DA GREAT PUMPKIN? Da great pumpkin rises and gives toys to all da children dat believe in him. Dus, dis Odenz vwill make us berdy berdy happy.
Madam Scary: Do you have any revelations not contained in the Pumpkin Prophecy.
Nostradamus: Oh yes. Derv will be an outbreak of de pumpkin flu epidemic dis year. Odenz, Snoopy, Woodstock vwill smash de pumpkins on da head of everybodies. I call it de “Smashing Pumpkins Influenza WeBe#1 virus.”
Madam Scary: Back to the Great Pumpkin Prophecy, do you have any other thoughts there?
Nostradamus: Oh plenty, fo sho. Peppermint Patty is da Bayless. Bobbinz for apples is symbols of Odenz dunking in yo face. PigPen is symbol of de stinky poo refs, and dis help us pinpoint da timing to dis year. But I tink I want to talk about da quest for da Holy Grail. Dis also is shrouded mystery dat refer to da Blazers.
Madam Scary: Oh Nostra, let’s save that story for later, how 'bout we fry up some of that zucchini.
Nostradamus: Boy howdy doodah, dat sound good to me.
Madam Scary: I'll channel some Blazer music.
I am Randall Hubbard, Psychic Pumpkin Detective, and I testify to the accuracy of this document.
Hey people – Hold On, The Blazers Are Coming!!!