FanPost

Ron Artest has declared Psychological War on BEdgers

It's through the looking glass time now people, it's the conspiracy of all conspiracies.  It's the 9/11 truthers wrapped inside the Obama Birthers and smothered in the sauce of the Illuminati Sex Factory located on the Dark Side of the Moon.  And that amounts to one delicious enchilada of conspiracy.

I can't name names or Ben and Dave will both spank me simultaneously, but several of your beloved BEdgers postings are in fact coming from the fingers of one demented typist.  And I have a sneaky suspicion that it is Ron Artest...

It all started at the end of the 08-09 season when the Portland Trailblazers and the Houston Rockets were engaged in a grueling first-round playoffs series.  While Houston was clearly on the path to victory, during an interview Ron Artest claimed the Brandon Roy was the hardest man to guard in the league.  That he was "better than K*be Bryant."  Many shrugged these statements off as the ravings of a madman but it turns out he was really scared.  He knew Roy had to be stopped because Brandon had learned the secret of basketball that night.

I began doing some research into a secret organization the pre dates the modern game of basketball to the days of peach pit baskets and milky white men in bizarre coverall style swimsuits.  And what I found disturbed and rocked me down the the very essence of my core.  To the peach pit holed baskets of my very soul.

It turns out that what the makers of "put the ball in the peach pit basket" discovered is that only one person could in fact "be on the ball" at one time.  Meaning only one person could be in possession of the ball at any given moment. And while that may seem like a small thing at first, it turns out to be the entire game of Put the Ball in the Peach Pit Basket. Possession of the ball was the SECRET.

After that game Ron Artest devised a plan to defeat Brandon Roy before he develop even more and became the greatest basketball player that the megaverse had ever known.  Surpassing Jordan.  Surpassing Gandhi.  Surpassing Genghis Khan.  Dunking all of life's problems out of existence or destroying the planet with one massive megaposter.  The world would be his to command.  He had to be stopped.  

His plan was simple.  First he had to get traded to the Lakers,  That way he could join up with the only other player in the megaverse even on the same, if somewhat more limited and human-like, level. K*be Bryant.  With him he might have even the slightest glimmer of a splinter of hope to defeat him.

But they had to play dirty and cheap and unsportsmeneque to defeat Brandon Roy, so only after they had attacked Brandon in other ways could they significantly weaken his game, and have a chance.  So he paid Andre Miller to join the Blazers and plot to take the ball out of Roy's hands.  Steve Blake, of course, was also an agent but that doesn't need to be explained to BEdgers.  They saw the free-throws.

Also I don't have any documents or proof explaining this next statement, which makes it all the more credible.  But if I had secret documents they might show that Ron Artest has infilitrated Blazersedge and began posting Fanposts which either strongly support Andre Miller or Steve Blake or strongly attack Andre Miller or Steve Blake.  Just like Coke and Pepsi did back in the day to make you think there weren't any other options.  But there totally were.  I used to buy flavored soda pop at the gas station when I was kid.  You'd take your bottle back and then buy some more soda.  It was recycling before recycling was cool.  Don't get me started.  Regardless...

THIS IS JUST A SICK GAME.  Andre Miller and Steve Blake are both Ron Artest's secret agents and they are both plotting to keep the ball out of Brandon Roy's hands.  Don't fall for the Ron Artest/K*be Bryant propaganda.  And while Bayless might seem like the only answer I think we should put in Juwan Howard at the point.  For one there is no way that Juwan will have the ball in his hands for very long.  

And because the poor guy used to be a unicorn.  I hear they bring good luck.

juwan howard underwent successful unicorn horn removal surgery. on Twitpic

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