Jerryd Bayless Interior Monologue

by Ben. on Sep 29, 2008 11:20 PM PDT

Today is a very important day, Jerryd. Today is Jerryd's first media day. Jerryd will never have another first media day ever again. Time to make a good first impression. Jerryd will never have a second chance to make a first impression.

Jerryd gotta be looking right. Make sure the jersey is pressed. Warmup pressed. Swing by the barber. Haircut right. Dress for success. Be the man you want to be. Be the Jerryd that Jerryd wants to be.

You're ready, Jerryd. All those hours of practicing questions and answers in front of the mirror finally pays off. Remember: don't laugh when someone asks Jerryd about Jerryd's playing time. Remember: praise Coach McMillan whenever possible. Remember: talk about your defense (Jerryd saw how well that worked for Rudy). Drop a reference to El Gaucho. The local media will eat that up.

Walk with a purpose, Jerryd. Talk with a purpose. Talk to win. Interviews are a contest between Jerryd and the reporter. Jerryd must win. Jerryd is great at contests. Like ping pong. Jerryd is great at ping pong. Reporters will try to trick Jerryd. They always try that. Don't fall for it.

It's almost time, Jerryd. Center yourself. Focus. It's time to morph the Bayless face to the happy face. Place an orange slice in Jerryd's lips to help it form into a smile. Hold it. Hold it for 30 seconds. Good. Oranges taste good, don't they, Jerryd? They do.

Ok, it's game time, Jerryd. Walk with a purpose. Embrace the cameras. Sit tall in your chair. Speak clearly. Here comes the first question.

Reporter: "Are you ready for the season?"

Really. REALLY. He's going to ask that. Doesn't he know who Jerryd is? Doesn't he realize Jerryd was born ready.

"I'm as confident in myself as I can possibly be."

Good job, Jerryd. Way to remember to use the first person. That can be tricky. Nod for the next question, exactly like you've seen Brandon Roy do it.

Reporter: "What position will you play?"

Really. REALLY. He's going to ask that. Doesn't he know how Jerryd play? Doesn't he realize Jerryd defies position.

"Whatever Coach McMillan tells me."

Good job, Jerryd. Beautifully played. But Jerryd's not out of the woods yet.

Reporter: "Would you prefer to play point guard or off guard?"

Really. REALLY. He's going to ask that. Doesn't he know Jerryd can play both, combo guard for the win status on these sucker mc's?

"I think I can play both. To even see the court, I'm going to need to play defense."

Jerryd, I love you man. Jerryd is killing this media day. These reporters can't stay with Jerryd.

Reporter: "Will you have to make any adjustments to your game as you transition to the NBA?

Really. REALLY. He's going to ask that. Doesn't he know Jerryd would have come straight from high school if Jerryd wasn't forced to go to college? Doesn't he know how sick Jerryd is?

"I just try to play like Jerryd."

Oops. Third person. Crap. That one slipped out. It's OK, Jerryd, Jerryd still did a great job today. Remember to thank the reporters as Jerryd walks out of their lives.

"Thanks guys."

Strut confidently. Victory. Jerryd 1. Media Day 0. Undefeated. So, when's practice?

-- Ben (benjamin.golliver@gmail.com)

PS The bold were real questions and answers and, yes, he did drop the El Gaucho reference, which was pretty awesome. For more on this, see Ryan White.

4 recs | Comment 56 comments

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Hilarious

That was really funny Ben.

by Ruen on Sep 29, 2008 7:50 PM PDT 0 recs

can we link the el gaucho again

please? it didnt work for me and i dont know where 2 find it! :*(

"i'll try to find 'em- an' i'll breeng um too yuh"- Sarah Palin
I detest that man who hides one thing in the depths of his heart, and speaks for another. - Homer

by BlazerFan1 on Sep 29, 2008 8:00 PM PDT 0 recs

serious?

fixed but it works for me..

BRANDON ROY GET WELL SOON

by Ben. on Sep 29, 2008 8:09 PM PDT up 0 recs

why would I lie?

jk i’ll keep trying maybe my computer is being dumb.

Sophia

"i'll try to find 'em- an' i'll breeng um too yuh"- Sarah Palin
I detest that man who hides one thing in the depths of his heart, and speaks for another. - Homer

by BlazerFan1 on Sep 29, 2008 9:23 PM PDT up 0 recs

ok so it was just a link to the restaurant...

whatev. we all know its a great place to burn 100 bux on a steak..

"i'll try to find 'em- an' i'll breeng um too yuh"- Sarah Palin
I detest that man who hides one thing in the depths of his heart, and speaks for another. - Homer

by BlazerFan1 on Sep 29, 2008 9:38 PM PDT up 0 recs

speaking of fixed.

I’ve got a good hunch, the interview was rigged.

"the Knicks are an ongoing experiment in sporting altruism, with the motto "We suck, so you don't have to." This is the designing principle. Stop overcomplicating things."
-jawaan oldham

by faith on Sep 29, 2008 8:32 PM PDT 0 recs

Good stuff Ben

Could have left out the “Christs” at the beginning of each line. I know it was there to be funny, but it is blasphemy, and is quite offensive to Christians. Your article still would have been funny without them.

—Josh

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

by prezofdeath on Sep 29, 2008 8:44 PM PDT 0 recs

Prezofdeath

I love ya but would you have felt less offended if Ben had used Allah as the first word in every sentence like most of the Moslem folks in the world?You monothiest folks are way to to sensitive sometimes

by southern oregon on Sep 29, 2008 9:00 PM PDT up 0 recs

For the polytheists out there...

Great Oden’s Beard!

(and yes, I purposely spelled it that way – it works)

by DonkeyShins on Sep 29, 2008 9:55 PM PDT up 0 recs

I LOVE "Great Oden's Beard" or "By Wotan's Beard"

when it comes to dorky swearing.
“Frak” used to be good too, but now the new Battlestar Galactica has made it relevant to the whippersnapper nerds, and that’s never good.

"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ." -Gandhi
"Throw Thag, throw. Throw throw throw throw throw throw"- Far Side

by TheThinWhiteDuke on Sep 29, 2008 10:07 PM PDT up 0 recs

"Great Oden's Beard" is great when it's written out

Out loud, it doesn’t really sound right IMO.

College Football Doghouse warden: Why are you here?

Me: I got kicked in the nuts by a 5-7 beaver.

by premthegrem on Sep 30, 2008 12:07 AM PDT up 0 recs

fixed

sorry about that, not intentional…

BRANDON ROY GET WELL SOON

by Ben. on Sep 29, 2008 9:09 PM PDT up 0 recs

Thanks for that, Ben

I don’t know what the big deal is here. Prezofdeath is hardly presenting a fringe view here, and he didn’t exactly flame anyone, or riot because a prophet had been insulted, or anything.

You guys think Ben sets out to offend people? Of course not. He overlooked something, he was reminded politely, he was classy and corrected it. The post lost nothing by the change.

Besides, the site rules include a no swearing clause. So Ben wasn’t thinking about that (his creative juices were obviously flowing full force on this one). So he forgot, so he fixed it. Big deal.

I’ll tell you who sounds intolerant here, and it isn’t Josh, it’s the pro-swearing crowd.

The most amazing thing about my amazing ego is I have amazingly little about which to be egotistical.
The pick and roll this year will emphasize "roll" followed by "dunk", followed by the wailings and lamentations of your women.

by jscot on Sep 29, 2008 10:56 PM PDT up 0 recs

No prob Ben

It’s a good article. I like the way you write. Just hurt to hear that name used casually repeatedly.

So completely OT, you made any progress on your website?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

by prezofdeath on Sep 30, 2008 10:51 AM PDT up 0 recs

Lets take away R-rated movies while were at it.

"Mommy and Daddy are going to take a nap before the baseball game starts..."

by Devyn on Sep 29, 2008 9:12 PM PDT up 0 recs

Wow

Just wow.
You’re reading an (admittedly hilarious) article that makes fun of a rookie, making him seem like an egomaniac/ android, and you’re offended by how a fictional interior voice shows displeasure?
You do understand that a writer is not stating his own preferences or beliefs when he writes a character, right?
Right?
Again, wow.

"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ." -Gandhi
"Throw Thag, throw. Throw throw throw throw throw throw"- Far Side

by TheThinWhiteDuke on Sep 29, 2008 9:57 PM PDT up 0 recs

The Trouble is ...

Bayless is smart, had a 3.6 GPA at U of Arizona, has white collar rpofessional parents, and is looking at being a lawyer after he finishes off the NBA. As such, Ben’s internal dialogue is off by a country mile.

The Bayless stare doesn’t come from street.

His ’tude is not an inner city black ghetto thing.

No. It is something far more elusive and incredibly dangerous.

… Glad he’s on our side.

It's officially been coined: "Decade of Dominance" (D.O.D.)

by LaoTzu on Sep 30, 2008 9:36 AM PDT up 0 recs

"But his pathology is a thousand times more savage and more terrifying."

— Hannibal Lector

It's officially been coined: "Decade of Dominance" (D.O.D.)

by LaoTzu on Sep 30, 2008 9:59 AM PDT up 0 recs

not sure how you got an inner city rub from this

what’s hood about el gaucho and practicing interviews in the mirror? not to mention orange slices…

he is corporate, polished, focused, savvy, prepared, but above all else, competitive. and, yes, there is a noticeable chip on his shoulder.

ease up

BRANDON ROY GET WELL SOON

by Ben. on Sep 30, 2008 10:19 AM PDT up 0 recs

I didn't notice anything "street" about Ben's characterization of Bayless

Which is what I liked about it. Jerryd ain’t about that, he is straight rich kid suburbs out to prove he can be as bad ass as anyone from anywhere.

Jerryd seems to adopt much of the swagger and terminology, but what else can he do as a young black player?

He seems like a really smart kid who is very AWARE of how he needs to present himself and what he is ‘supposed’ to say. Whether he believes what he says doesn’t matter to me, since he knows he needs to DO what he says to play, whether it is what he truly wants or not. The innery struggle of knowing he is a complete bad ass and still having to deal with the mere formalities of fighting for a starting spot, fighting for MINUTES even, is probably beneath someone who feels as talented as Jerryd BUT he knows it is the proper path he must take to pretend he also is a mere mortal.

It’s a great mix of extreme confidence, cockiness without the customary insecurity (like with Miles), focus, and at the same time BOREDOM with what he has to deal with on his way to dominating on the basketball floor.

I think Jerryd Bayless is going to be a great player, and likely to be one of the most fascinating stories and characters on the team as we become REALLY good, and his star begins to rise as well. Will it be too big to be reined in as a co-star? Will it fit perfectly? He’s so young, very talented, and has a drive that matches anyone. It could go a lot of ways.

I felt Ben’s take reflected the mix of Jerryd: a smart, growed up rich young black kid in a black kids from the streets world.

Mortimer

by Mortimer on Sep 30, 2008 10:27 AM PDT up 0 recs

And I should add

Because it got lost in my blather, that I didn’t see much ‘street’ about this take on Jerryd.

He knows how that looks in public.

This is about how AWARE a 20 year old kid is with how he presents himself already, for one goal— to kill everyone on the basketball court, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.

Mortimer

by Mortimer on Sep 30, 2008 10:31 AM PDT up 0 recs

Yes, this is best in life

"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ." -Gandhi
"Throw Thag, throw. Throw throw throw throw throw throw"- Far Side

by TheThinWhiteDuke on Sep 30, 2008 11:32 AM PDT up 0 recs

And Prez?

I think you meant ‘some’ Christians. Or ‘real’ Christians, if you’re feeling snarky.
But don’t speak for the rest of us, please.

"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ." -Gandhi
"Throw Thag, throw. Throw throw throw throw throw throw"- Far Side

by TheThinWhiteDuke on Sep 29, 2008 10:01 PM PDT up 1 recs

Sheesh

take it easy man. I’m glad Prez brought it up. Why’s he got to be ridiculed?

by jamon51 on Sep 30, 2008 3:23 PM PDT up 0 recs

Ridiculed?

That wasn’t the intent.
I’m totally against a Capital C Christian filter being placed over media. Any media.
Period.
And I don’t like people speaking for an entire group when they do it.
I don’t like radical muslims doing it, I don’t like Christians doing it.
I’m sorry if I wasn’t crystal clear in my shocked response.

"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ." -Gandhi
"Throw Thag, throw. Throw throw throw throw throw throw"- Far Side

by TheThinWhiteDuke on Sep 30, 2008 8:28 PM PDT up 0 recs

I think it was your first response

that sounded like ridicule.

I still don’t get your point, actually. I had a roommate back in my university days who was Jewish. He and I called each other all kinds of names, and had so much fun with it. He would never have been offended by someone using certain terms. We had this private understanding that it wouldn’t be done in public, because people wouldn’t understand.

But if someone did it on a public forum (and this did happen), he was one of the first to speak up and say, “That’s offensive to Jews, you know.” He wouldn’t have even been speaking for himself, personally. He would just have been saying that a lot of people in that group would find it offensive, and it’s better to not go there.

Do you think he was wrong to say, “That’s offensive to Jews”?

Do you think there should be any restrictions on offensive words? How about the N word? Do you think it is ok to use words that are offensive to religious groups, but not use words that are offensive to racial groups? If so, why?

I’m not trying to beat you up, I’m trying to get your point here. It doesn’t make sense to me.

by jscot on Oct 1, 2008 3:31 AM PDT up 0 recs

This conversation should be moved to the junk drawer

Blazers Edge has an alarmist vision

by tominhawaii on Oct 1, 2008 3:46 AM PDT up 0 recs

Zapped

by the thread police. Fair enough.

by jscot on Oct 1, 2008 4:30 AM PDT up 0 recs

Thanks Friend

Blazers Edge has an alarmist vision

by tominhawaii on Oct 1, 2008 7:09 AM PDT up 0 recs

By all means I'd like to respond

I’ve never moved anything over to the Junk Drawer, however.
How do I go about doing that? Just say, “OT response to JScot from another thread”? Do I wait for you to cut-and-paste your response over there first? I’m not really bright enough for all this tech stuff.

"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ." -Gandhi
"Throw Thag, throw. Throw throw throw throw throw throw"- Far Side

by TheThinWhiteDuke on Oct 1, 2008 1:42 PM PDT up 0 recs

Yeah, just say that in the junk drawer

and respond.

If you want to copy in my response, and put it in a block quote, that’s cool, too. That way people won’t think you are a raving idiot, they will think I am.

by jscot on Oct 1, 2008 2:40 PM PDT up 0 recs

Cool, thanks

I’m pretty sure they’ll think we BOTH are, but that’s just me.

"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ." -Gandhi
"Throw Thag, throw. Throw throw throw throw throw throw"- Far Side

by TheThinWhiteDuke on Oct 1, 2008 4:40 PM PDT up 0 recs

The good think about the Junk Drawer is that we all are idiot there.

The Midnight Rambler. Born to make mistakes.

by amlmart1 on Oct 2, 2008 5:41 AM PDT up 0 recs

But not all the idiots rave

by jscot on Oct 2, 2008 5:44 AM PDT up 0 recs

Yeah!

A man is going into his car when he see that one car´s wheel is released and hasn´t anyone of its four screws. He´s thinking what to do for a long while when he heard the voice of an old man who is behind a railing and calling to him. When he approaches the old man tells him: "take out one screw of the other three wheels and put them in the fourth one, so you can go until you stop at the garage". The man did what the old guy have told him and drove around awhile. Then he return to say thanks to the old man when he saw that on the railing was written "Lunatic Asylum". The man said: "Oh, man, how is possible you´re here?" And the answer was: "I´m here because I´m mad, not because I´m idiot".

The Midnight Rambler. Born to make mistakes.

by amlmart1 on Oct 2, 2008 6:15 AM PDT up 0 recs

I heard the punchline as

“I may be crazy, but I’m not an idiot.”
One of my all time favorites!
Thanks, amimart, you made my day.

"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ." -Gandhi
"Throw Thag, throw. Throw throw throw throw throw throw"- Far Side

by TheThinWhiteDuke on Oct 2, 2008 1:24 PM PDT up 0 recs

Thank you.

Sergio + Rudy = 16

by amlmart1 on Oct 2, 2008 2:07 PM PDT up 0 recs

Quit raving

by jscot on Oct 2, 2008 2:47 PM PDT up 0 recs

Then what am I supposed to do

with my big floppy hat and my glow-sticks?

"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ." -Gandhi
"Throw Thag, throw. Throw throw throw throw throw throw"- Far Side

by TheThinWhiteDuke on Oct 2, 2008 4:29 PM PDT up 0 recs