Today is a very important day, Jerryd. Today is Jerryd's first media day. Jerryd will never have another first media day ever again. Time to make a good first impression. Jerryd will never have a second chance to make a first impression.
Jerryd gotta be looking right. Make sure the jersey is pressed. Warmup pressed. Swing by the barber. Haircut right. Dress for success. Be the man you want to be. Be the Jerryd that Jerryd wants to be.
You're ready, Jerryd. All those hours of practicing questions and answers in front of the mirror finally pays off. Remember: don't laugh when someone asks Jerryd about Jerryd's playing time. Remember: praise Coach McMillan whenever possible. Remember: talk about your defense (Jerryd saw how well that worked for Rudy). Drop a reference to El Gaucho. The local media will eat that up.
Walk with a purpose, Jerryd. Talk with a purpose. Talk to win. Interviews are a contest between Jerryd and the reporter. Jerryd must win. Jerryd is great at contests. Like ping pong. Jerryd is great at ping pong. Reporters will try to trick Jerryd. They always try that. Don't fall for it.
It's almost time, Jerryd. Center yourself. Focus. It's time to morph the Bayless face to the happy face. Place an orange slice in Jerryd's lips to help it form into a smile. Hold it. Hold it for 30 seconds. Good. Oranges taste good, don't they, Jerryd? They do.
Ok, it's game time, Jerryd. Walk with a purpose. Embrace the cameras. Sit tall in your chair. Speak clearly. Here comes the first question.
Reporter: "Are you ready for the season?"
Really. REALLY. He's going to ask that. Doesn't he know who Jerryd is? Doesn't he realize Jerryd was born ready.
"I'm as confident in myself as I can possibly be."
Good job, Jerryd. Way to remember to use the first person. That can be tricky. Nod for the next question, exactly like you've seen Brandon Roy do it.
Reporter: "What position will you play?"
Really. REALLY. He's going to ask that. Doesn't he know how Jerryd play? Doesn't he realize Jerryd defies position.
"Whatever Coach McMillan tells me."
Good job, Jerryd. Beautifully played. But Jerryd's not out of the woods yet.
Reporter: "Would you prefer to play point guard or off guard?"
Really. REALLY. He's going to ask that. Doesn't he know Jerryd can play both, combo guard for the win status on these sucker mc's?
"I think I can play both. To even see the court, I'm going to need to play defense."
Jerryd, I love you man. Jerryd is killing this media day. These reporters can't stay with Jerryd.
Reporter: "Will you have to make any adjustments to your game as you transition to the NBA?
Really. REALLY. He's going to ask that. Doesn't he know Jerryd would have come straight from high school if Jerryd wasn't forced to go to college? Doesn't he know how sick Jerryd is?
"I just try to play like Jerryd."
Oops. Third person. Crap. That one slipped out. It's OK, Jerryd, Jerryd still did a great job today. Remember to thank the reporters as Jerryd walks out of their lives.
Strut confidently. Victory. Jerryd 1. Media Day 0. Undefeated. So, when's practice?
-- Ben (firstname.lastname@example.org)
PS The bold were real questions and answers and, yes, he did drop the El Gaucho reference, which was pretty awesome. For more on this, see Ryan White.