Squatch, the lovable furball on steroids who delighted Sonics fans with his hilarious antics and astounding athleticism, is joining the Oklahoma City Thunder. Squatch, of course, will have to undergo major cosmetic surgery to become a Thunder, a procedure one expert described as, "difficult, yes, but no more so than stealing an NBA team."
Critics contend that the very idea of morphing Squatch into a Thunder is absurd. "Squatch is a life-form, a sentient being with a bad comb-over," said Ed Lolivesky, owner of a popular Oklahoma City bar, the Rustler's Corral. "Thunder is a sound wave produced by lightning. What are they going to do, have him run around in a lightning bolt outfit yelling 'Boom! Boom! Boom!'? If so, [Thunder owner Clay] Bennett must think we're a bunch of rubes."
John Leach, director of events and entertainment for the Thunder, tried to put a positive spin on what appears to be an impossible task. "They-- I mean, WE decided to have our mascot be something invisible to human eyes... even though SOME of us saw real problems associated with that... but that doesn't mean we're going to fail... or lose our jobs trying... We're checking with scientists to see if flesh and blood can be altered with gamma radiation. It worked for the Fantastic Four."
Bennett downplayed the controversy. "Our people are working on it and I'm confident we will find a solution," said Bennett, who added, "In the interim, we can always put Squatch into a lightning bolt costume, and have him run around clapping and yelling 'Boom! Boom! Boom!. Get it? He'll be thunder-clapping! Folks will love it."
Squatch has fallen on hard times since his gigs with the Sonics and Jack Links Beef Jerky have ended. When asked whether he prefers Bennett's idea to being subjected to gamma radiation, Squatch had no comment, but instead smashed his face into a cream pie.