My Big Fat Blazers Wedding
by Ben Golliver on Aug 5, 2008 7:24 PM PDT
Email
Print
Pardon my absence from the site the last couple of days, a true "g" is getting married this Friday so I've been busy trying to talk him out of it celebrate the occasion in Las Vegas. Actually, this is the first wedding I've ever been remotely affiliated with (sad, I know) so I've really just been spending the last 4 or 5 days trying to figure out what the heck is going on.
Boring interlude aside, this brings me to the topic at hand. Jay Allen over at 95.5 The Game recently got married. Brian Wheeler noted on his radio show that Mr. Allen asked him to do some announcing at the wedding.
This, of course, got me thinking about building the ultimate Blazers wedding.
Obviously... this is a job for BE; one man alone cannot possibly do this.
So, let's say you or a friend or your child is getting married and you have the run of the entire Blazers team, front office, organization, and the Blazers media (television, newspaper, radio, web, etc.). You're getting ready to call in every favor in the book to ensure the ideal Blazers wedding. Who serves what role?
Let me kick this off with the most obvious: Paul Allen is the Father of the Bride. If you want to do this right, daddy warbucks gotta be in charge of paying for this shindig.
I'm not saying I'm a gold digger... but, yeah, I guess I am.
(yes, I realize his neck is jacked up, my bad)
One of my coworkers, amusingly, nominated Travis Outlaw as the Flower Girl.
Hmmmmm..... Anne, I'll let you have the final judgement on this one. Somebody want to put a bow on his head? I'm all photoshopped out.
So... you can take this seriously or in jest, but, either way, you must help me build the ultimate Blazers wedding. Note: Absolutely every position is available (security, wedding singer, limo driver... your imagination is the only limitation here).
Do that there... starting... now.
-- Ben (benjamin.golliver@gmail.com)
129 comments
|
0 recs |
Do you like this story?
Comments
Geez Dr Franken-Ben!!!!
Did you literally sew his head onto a re-animated body for that picture??
"There something going on with that Skipper. No one gets that fat eating coconuts"
LOL
yeah, that’s why i leave the important photoshopping to Phil.
"You'd rather say 'whoa' than 'giddyup.'" ~ Dean Demopoulos
Duckworth has got to be the best man
With his affinity for Strip Clubs, who better to pick? He HAS to know the best places to go for the bachelor party-the single most important piece of the wedding festivities…I think Kersey would probably be good as a groomsman as well.
written by the Blazer Thoughts artist formely known as "Scott R"
Duckworth
likes strip clubs? I thought he liked fishing.
(Nice to see you haven’t forgotten us.)
"We, as Blazer fans, are perhaps the luckiest fans in the league."-Idog1976, July 19.
never forgotten..
i’ve been lurking, but have had a lack of time to give well thought posts as i used to try…Life has been busy.
written by the Blazer Thoughts artist formely known as "Scott R"
Is Pritchard the Minister or the Wedding Coordinator?
He has to be the one in charge, but should he be in charge of the ceremony or reception.
pritchard as wedding planner is great
great call, i’m with that.
"You'd rather say 'whoa' than 'giddyup.'" ~ Dean Demopoulos
Wedding planner, though he wouldn't need to talk like Fronk
Great position for him. He could trade needed equipment and personnel with other weddings for cash and future wedding coupons.
Odenied: Coach, I promise I wasn't running hard ...
Jarrett Jack is the limo driver.
Let’s face it, he’s perfect. He could carry on a conversation with the couple in the limo, but hiis best asset is his ability to drive (even if he goes outside the lines a little bit). Afterward, he will go straight to the airport, happy couple in tow, and catch his own plane to the next wedding.
I hear it’s a very nice couple from Indiana who were quite impressed with his (limo-)driving skills.
Jerryd Bayless has two emotions: Kill and Win.
"I think it’s going to be very beautiful game next year."
-Nicolas Batum
plus jarrett is known to rock dark sunglasses too
so im with this one as well
"You'd rather say 'whoa' than 'giddyup.'" ~ Dean Demopoulos
Hope he sings.....
Travis would be perfect as the flower person. I can see him now, traipsing down
the aisle, scattering rose petals in front of the bride. Is there a bride?
"Besides, AnntheFan will be here any minute to #25 you." T Darkstar
Hmmm. Dove grey or black swallowtail tux?
What will the color theme be? I’ve been blessedly sheltered from this kind of thing. I guess I should consult KP on this.
"Besides, AnntheFan will be here any minute to #25 you." T Darkstar
Red, black and white
Of course!
Jerryd Bayless has two emotions: Kill and Win.
"I think it’s going to be very beautiful game next year."
-Nicolas Batum
by rockingharder on Aug 5, 2008 8:56 PM PDT up reply actions
Dove grey it is then. That will symbolize the stripe of silver on the jersey. Perfect.
Travis will look very handsome.
"Besides, AnntheFan will be here any minute to #25 you." T Darkstar
Thanks for the props, Ben
I’m going to drop in my other suggestions now.
Channing Frye: Over-emotional aunt
Pryz: Non-approving uncle/friend
Steve Blake: The groomsman that gets lucky
Raef: The guest you feel obligated to invite but really isn’t that good of a friend because he can help the cap space, I mean family, down the road.
that is hilarious!
There is probably no more terrible instance of enlightenment than the one in which you discover your father is a man — with human flesh.
Paul Muad'Dib - Dune (Frank Herbert)
My Translation: My Dad is a dude just like me, and my sons are dudes like me also. I love that.
zebo
Zach Randolph as the annoying relative – you know, the one that everyone hates, gets obscenely drunk, and shames the family?
Come on! He’s already on the family’s s-list for skipping a funeral and hitting up the strip club!
Well shoot
I thought sure PA was going to be the groom. Hey, I’d settle for a younger man… and perhaps Section 323 and Sophia might consider an older one…
"We, as Blazer fans, are perhaps the luckiest fans in the league."-Idog1976, July 19.
can you imagine the pre nup
for poor mr. allen…..
PA aside, do you have a second choice?
"You'd rather say 'whoa' than 'giddyup.'" ~ Dean Demopoulos
Hmmm
sounds GREAT
Sophia
Leaders build cultures that create self-esteem, generate and sustain trust, elevate the dignity of work , create community and foster open communication, and finally encourage growth and learning.
-Warren Bennis USC Professor
That was a very hard winter,
and it was just like one long night,
with me lying awake, waiting and waiting and waiting
for daybreak.
- Black Elk
1881
Bruce Ely (The Oregonian) as the wedding photographer
Odenied: Coach, I promise I wasn't running hard ...
Bayless for security
Nobody will get out of hand
Aldridge said. "We feel like we can beat any team. We feel like we can beat the Spurs, Suns, Lakers, Mavericks, whoever any night right now, and we'll still be here when those teams get old and their guys retire. We're going to be here for a long time."
LOL
very good.
i had mentioned this to my coworker earlier. just put him next to the cake, no one will dare try to sneak a piece.
"You'd rather say 'whoa' than 'giddyup.'" ~ Dean Demopoulos
BRoy is bride all the way
makes everyone else thing they are important and quietly runs the show
Aldridge said. "We feel like we can beat any team. We feel like we can beat the Spurs, Suns, Lakers, Mavericks, whoever any night right now, and we'll still be here when those teams get old and their guys retire. We're going to be here for a long time."
OK
Sergio is the janitor who sweeps up afterwards. Even if he has mad skillz nobody is going to notice.
Ruben Patterson is the grandmother of the bride. Always complaining and telling folks how (s)he thinks it should be done but nobody cares.
Lamarcus and Martell are ushers who are scamming on everybody in a dress.
Mike Rice is a relative by marriage to a cousin of the groom and eats all of the hors d’oeuvres before the service is over.
Brian Wheeler is the guy in the back row telling everybody it won’t last.
Antonio Harvey is the church organist.
Nicolas Batum
is the wallflower at the reception standing in the corner with a half-eaten piece of cake waiting for someone to talk to him.
in fact now im wondering if mike rice
was the inspiration for wedding crashers
"You'd rather say 'whoa' than 'giddyup.'" ~ Dean Demopoulos
When exactly does the 2008-2009 season start...?
Asked his specialty in the kitchen, Oden paused and said, "Hamburger Helper and tuna fish."
Maurice Lucas – Security, obvs.
Blaze the TrailCat – Two-year-old who won’t stop screaming during the vows.
Sheed – Funeral crasher at the wrong venue.
Rudy – Millionaire cousin who took a week off and flew from Spain just to attend.
Channing Frye – Just happy to be there.
Clyde the Glide – 40-something relative who married a 20-something from Houston.
Scottie Pippen – 40-something in-law who married a 20-something relative.
Bill Walton – The one who gets all nervous when they say “if anyone has any objections, let them speak now or forever hold their peace”
Martell – Catches the bouquet(?)
"Well, Travis just showed us that we can go to Travis Outlaw." - Nate McMillan
No no
Martell is the bridesmaid. Er, bridesman. Not yet the bride, but hoping to be soon. (Can catch the bouquet consisting of stardom flowers)
"We, as Blazer fans, are perhaps the luckiest fans in the league."-Idog1976, July 19.
Thanks for totally shooting me down.
"Well, Travis just showed us that we can go to Travis Outlaw." - Nate McMillan
As in..
could be the next bride, whereas “catching the bouquet” would mean will be the next. That’s how the bouquet thing works, right?
"Well, Travis just showed us that we can go to Travis Outlaw." - Nate McMillan
Ahhhhh...
I interpreted the question mark as “Martell should maybe catch the bouquet? I’m not sure?” thus inviting other ideas. I suspect that’s how Jorga read it as well.
—Dave
Oh, gotcha. And gotcha.
Sorry for any confusion – I totally see how that could be interpreted as such.
It was more of a play on “Martell = Potentially Good” or whatever. Now I’m just beating something that was kind of an afterthought totally into the ground. Could we just call this case closed? I feel like I’m dying up here – try the veal!
"Well, Travis just showed us that we can go to Travis Outlaw." - Nate McMillan
The VEAL?!?
That’s it, you’re banned Mr. Animal Cruelty! My favorite cousin was a baby lamb!!! NOBODY says the “V” word on Blazersedge!!!
—Dave
LOL
Seriously…isn’t it funny how in our society thinly disguising something with a punctuation symbol that looks kind of like the letter it replaces is supposed to make saying things OK? I never got that.
—Dave
Sorry, that didn't work:
"Well, Travis just showed us that we can go to Travis Outlaw." - Nate McMillan
My Grandma hated when I said darn
it was just damn…..disguised
"There something going on with that Skipper. No one gets that fat eating coconuts"
OK...maybe not banned
but you’re on WARNING, mister!
And don’t even THINK about telling people to get the spaghetti either! My grandma’s second husband was a noodle and he always used to give me an extra five bucks for my birthday and Christmas.
—Dave
Actually
tell them to get the asparagus. A pack of asparagi used to rough me up on the way to school every morning in the 5th grade. Never liked ‘em.
—Dave
My mom was afraid
I’d “turnip” missing.
(I am truly aghast at what we’re starting. Sorry Ben.)
—Dave
It reminds me of a bumper sticker:
“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals – I just really hate vegetables”
"Well, Travis just showed us that we can go to Travis Outlaw." - Nate McMillan
Well, of course I can't neglect the obvious,
give peas a chance.
"Besides, AnntheFan will be here any minute to #25 you." T Darkstar
But since this is a wedding thread
I canteloupe.
"Besides, AnntheFan will be here any minute to #25 you." T Darkstar
I carrot too much
to not ask …
Is it the moon or what? There was a whole stew of vegetable puns in the Just Blaze Court Rivals forum (or maybe the game chat) yesterday.
"We, as Blazer fans, are perhaps the luckiest fans in the league."-Idog1976, July 19.
I think it's the onslaught of zuchinni in gardens
everywhere that’s turning our minds to mashed potatoes.
"Besides, AnntheFan will be here any minute to #25 you." T Darkstar
I'm the tangential queen.
Children need to learn these things before they’re thrown into the fray. I’m doing the little boogers a favor.
"Besides, AnntheFan will be here any minute to #25 you." T Darkstar
What does Tan-Genital mean?
"There something going on with that Skipper. No one gets that fat eating coconuts"
you know,"Natural" sunbathing
"If I was in anyway unclear, I am implying that Dave is a serial murderer."
---jonestr on Aug 3, 2008 12:25 AM PDT
Email Dave,
--- Mortimer --- for Blazers Edge Ambassador to the SBNations
Asparagus...
I used to pick wild aspargus on my way home from school in the mornings, bring it home and my Mom would cook it. It grew wild in the very, very rural area I grew up in, loved it! Oh Man, are we off topic….
There is probably no more terrible instance of enlightenment than the one in which you discover your father is a man — with human flesh.
Paul Muad'Dib - Dune (Frank Herbert)
My Translation: My Dad is a dude just like me, and my sons are dudes like me also. I love that.
uhh, veal is baby cow
unless you’re just speaking of your love for all the baby animals.
And that’s okay by me.
Oh i'm sorry
I was just sort of refining your suggestion. :-)
"We, as Blazer fans, are perhaps the luckiest fans in the league."-Idog1976, July 19.
hes the guy that some people thought was going to get invited but didnt
sergio gets upset whenever he hears someone ask “why isnt peteri hear?”
"If I was in anyway unclear, I am implying that Dave is a serial murderer."
---jonestr on Aug 3, 2008 12:25 AM PDT
Email Dave,
--- Mortimer --- for Blazers Edge Ambassador to the SBNations
Steve Blake
head waiter – no turn overs into anyone’s lap.
"We, as Blazer fans, are perhaps the luckiest fans in the league."-Idog1976, July 19.
Terry Porter
Head usher. Knows how to get everyone to the right place.
"We, as Blazer fans, are perhaps the luckiest fans in the league."-Idog1976, July 19.
mo cheeks is minister
his calm demeanor just screams it.
I say Nate McMillan(the brains) is Head of security. Mo Lucas(the muscle) is his first in charge.
written by the Blazer Thoughts artist formely known as "Scott R"
mo cheeks can't be minister
unless the minister for this wedding is allowed to sit down.
"Si llegado el momento, no me acostumbro, o no me dan minutos, puede ser que vuelva a España. Para mí no es un paso atrás". Rudy Férnandez
I know it's August...
But, really? Is this the low that we have to go to?
I remember last summer, and the whole “thinking Oden thoughts” when you are having cold feet… All that is so muted now, with micro-fracture surgery and stuff getting in the way. But, just think of it this way…
What Would Greg Oden Do?
Hmmm...
Not sure if your comment and MiledAnimal’s above were meant in jest, but really… Complaining about one humorous post that some people are having fun with on a blog that so far in July-August has been giving you 3-4 posts a day plus dozens of fanposts…easily more than than the summer output of every other Blazer source out there combined on the main page alone? Really???
—Dave
Not trying to be mean...
Just amused by how far of a strech is being made to keep the blog alive in the middle of summer. I know you and Ben are not left with much to post about right now… I’m not trying to be critical… Just thinking out loud.
In all seriousness… Blazers Edge gets an A+ for quanitity and quality, 365 days a year.
I don't think it's a stretch to keep the blog alive
It would be alive without this “stretching”. However, stories like this one (and many of the OT fan posts) are just people who enjoy the company around here and simply have fun with one another.
"We, as Blazer fans, are perhaps the luckiest fans in the league."-Idog1976, July 19.
It's not just your eye that stinks.
"Besides, AnntheFan will be here any minute to #25 you." T Darkstar
It's not my fault, I have a hormonal imbalance.
"The only difference between a good shot and a bad shot is if it goes in or not." - Charles Barkley
There are shots for that. Something's rotten in the state of Hawaii.
"Besides, AnntheFan will be here any minute to #25 you." T Darkstar
Actually, I think Dave and Ben have all they can do to keep the Bedge
from taking on a life of it’s own. But it’s a lot of fun when they contribute to the danger.
"Besides, AnntheFan will be here any minute to #25 you." T Darkstar
my email address is posted every time i write something
please feel free to email me topics for discussion.
"You'd rather say 'whoa' than 'giddyup.'" ~ Dean Demopoulos
SWEAT WIPER UPPERS!
"The only difference between a good shot and a bad shot is if it goes in or not." - Charles Barkley
I love you man
Can you become embedded and give us the real inside scoop?
"The only difference between a good shot and a bad shot is if it goes in or not." - Charles Barkley
Ben this is soo easy
At my wedding to Nic Batum:
Father of Bride: PA (obvious)
Mother of the Bride: Someone HOT obviously b/c I DONT resemble PA
Bride=BlazerFan1 aka Sophia
Groom=Nic Batum
Best Man= Tony Parker
Groomsmen= Broy Dave and Ben
Maid of Honer= Kevin Pritchard
Bridesmaid= Jorga and ATF
Flower Girl = Travis Outlaw
Ring Bearer= Q-tip
We will be married at Powell’s books on 10th and Burnside in the Romance Section w/ a reception w/ several more of our closest friends at the RoseGarden.
Sophia
Leaders build cultures that create self-esteem, generate and sustain trust, elevate the dignity of work , create community and foster open communication, and finally encourage growth and learning.
-Warren Bennis USC Professor
That was a very hard winter,
and it was just like one long night,
with me lying awake, waiting and waiting and waiting
for daybreak.
- Black Elk
1881
Father of the bride
gets lost in the sci-fi section reading one of those Star Trek knock-offs
"There something going on with that Skipper. No one gets that fat eating coconuts"
My mom said she saw PA reading in a window at Powell's during the 70's once
She could have been lying just to get me all excited and to behave. Kind of how I tell my son Santa is @ the Mall. She would say , ” OMYGAWD Sophia I saw PA at Powells once! ” LOL Fitting
Leaders build cultures that create self-esteem, generate and sustain trust, elevate the dignity of work , create community and foster open communication, and finally encourage growth and learning.
-Warren Bennis USC Professor
That was a very hard winter,
and it was just like one long night,
with me lying awake, waiting and waiting and waiting
for daybreak.
- Black Elk
1881
very funny... I know the reference personally....
There is probably no more terrible instance of enlightenment than the one in which you discover your father is a man — with human flesh.
Paul Muad'Dib - Dune (Frank Herbert)
My Translation: My Dad is a dude just like me, and my sons are dudes like me also. I love that.
That was classic!
Of all the kids I knew growing up who were busy making fake ID’s to buy beer… I was the only one making fake rookie cards of myself with scissors, glue, and my YMCA youth league photos. I think my parents have them kept somewhere safe… I need to look in to that. :-)
I knew better than that
I always made sure I used the card of some unknown whiteboy PG… I think it was some guy named Pritchard. :-P
I wouldn’t ever think of committing such an atrocity against basketball.
by david1978pdx on Aug 5, 2008 11:54 PM PDT up reply actions
Well
If you don’t need that many groomsmen I would also qualify for mother of the bride, at least by the criteria you’ve laid down.
—Dave
Dave is the BabyPG sleeping?
You are on a roll tonight :)
Leaders build cultures that create self-esteem, generate and sustain trust, elevate the dignity of work , create community and foster open communication, and finally encourage growth and learning.
-Warren Bennis USC Professor
That was a very hard winter,
and it was just like one long night,
with me lying awake, waiting and waiting and waiting
for daybreak.
- Black Elk
1881
I think Dave’s been hitting the (baby PG’s) bottle.
"Well, Travis just showed us that we can go to Travis Outlaw." - Nate McMillan
That super awesome
When my son was teething some old lady actually advised me to put RUM into his warm milk to help sooth the pain. ...
Sophia
Leaders build cultures that create self-esteem, generate and sustain trust, elevate the dignity of work , create community and foster open communication, and finally encourage growth and learning.
-Warren Bennis USC Professor
That was a very hard winter,
and it was just like one long night,
with me lying awake, waiting and waiting and waiting
for daybreak.
- Black Elk
1881
The kid had a little Captain in him, eh?
I guess that’s better than the old Damon Stoudamire/Robert Parish/Cheech and Chong method.
—Dave
Side note
Did you see that blurb that Cheech and Chong have reunited and will be touring?
"There something going on with that Skipper. No one gets that fat eating coconuts"
I have spent some night w/ the Captain and my good friend Jack
but I didnt heed that old hag’s advice…
sophia
Leaders build cultures that create self-esteem, generate and sustain trust, elevate the dignity of work , create community and foster open communication, and finally encourage growth and learning.
-Warren Bennis USC Professor
That was a very hard winter,
and it was just like one long night,
with me lying awake, waiting and waiting and waiting
for daybreak.
- Black Elk
1881
ohh, You know Jack too???
He is one of my favorite friends but for some reason I always get into trouble when he is around:(
RUDY > MJ
oh god, i couldnt watch
the trainwreck
"If I was in anyway unclear, I am implying that Dave is a serial murderer."
---jonestr on Aug 3, 2008 12:25 AM PDT
Email Dave,
--- Mortimer --- for Blazers Edge Ambassador to the SBNations
LOL
All of us Bedgers sitting in the pews giggling.
"We, as Blazer fans, are perhaps the luckiest fans in the league."-Idog1976, July 19.
I'll be the Valet
I’d love to drive all these guys cars….
written by the Blazer Thoughts artist formely known as "Scott R"
My Dream Wedding
Bartender=Jerryd Bayless, because the Bayless face will keep the crazy uncle from getting that shot of tequila
Crazy Uncle=Cliff Robinson, already an Uncle
Toastmaster=Bill Walton, for his ability to spin a compliment in 300 words or more
Caterer=Channing Frye, because I want a Buffet of Goodness
Decorations=Mike Scanlon, knows how to make a building look good
Bride=Ione, because this is a dream, right?
Band=Terry Porter, Buck Williams, Jerome Kersey, and Kevin Duckworth, so they can play “Bust a Bucket”
Ring Bearer=Dr. Jack Ramsay, brought Portland a ring, can bring me one, too (plaid jacket and psychedelic pants mandatory)
for some reason, i just kept envisioning
rebecca harlow for the bride, but i kinda like your call on that one, rebecca could be the little gossup hound that isnt a part of the bridesmaids(all blazers dancers)
i like caitlyn,
band is perfect
ringberrer is brillient, sooo obvious
maybee mike rice could serve as the barkeep, dont want to see him in a gstring, and can actually envision him falling into the cake much eisier then jumping out of it.
"If I was in anyway unclear, I am implying that Dave is a serial murderer."
---jonestr on Aug 3, 2008 12:25 AM PDT
Email Dave,
--- Mortimer --- for Blazers Edge Ambassador to the SBNations
We need someone to jump out of the cake at the bachelor party. Has that been taken care of yet?
"Besides, AnntheFan will be here any minute to #25 you." T Darkstar
Haha! Perfect. I've never seen anyone jump out of a cake but somehow
I think that’s what you should expect to see jump out of a cake, or the equivalent thereof. Mike Rice in a g-string. Hahahhahhaaa!
"Besides, AnntheFan will be here any minute to #25 you." T Darkstar
Wild Rice...
jumping out of a cake… I will have nightmares about that now, thanks for the image…. :-)
There is probably no more terrible instance of enlightenment than the one in which you discover your father is a man — with human flesh.
Paul Muad'Dib - Dune (Frank Herbert)
My Translation: My Dad is a dude just like me, and my sons are dudes like me also. I love that.
Before I read any one else's comments I say Jerryd Bayless is
one of those waiters dressed up in all white carrying a platter with champagne around.
Obviously
the minister is Dave Deckard of Blazer’s Edge.
Other people don't have as much practice at being wrong as I do -- HT, timbo
Marriage is the first step in divorce!
I had an ambulance come to my wedding. I think the sweat wiper uppers should be the paramedics.
- Tom
Sounds like:
What’s the reason for sibling rivalry?
That you have multiple kids!
Odenied: Coach, I promise I wasn't running hard ...
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
User Tools
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
Recommended FanPosts
Recent FanPosts
FanShots
Quick hits of video, photos, quotes, chats, links and lists that you find around the web.
Recommended FanShots
Recent FanShots
In Association With
Ball Don't Lie - NBA - Yahoo! Sport
- Days of NBA Lives: Wherein Roy Hibbert tap-dances to Maine
- Grizzlies Valentine’s Day cards are the key to love
- Kevin Love would like the NBA to take the MLB’s approach on All-Star games
- Kobe Bryant fires a few hilarious salvos at Jeremy Lin
- Brandon Jennings states the obvious regarding his 2014 free agency, everyone goes nuts
Certain photos copyright © 2012 by Associated Press or Getty Images. Any commercial use or distribution without the express written consent of Associated Press and Getty Images is strictly prohibited.
