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My Big Fat Blazers Wedding

Ben_tiny by Ben. on

Pardon my absence from the site the last couple of days, a true "g" is getting married this Friday so I've been busy trying to talk him out of it celebrate the occasion in Las Vegas.  Actually, this is the first wedding I've ever been remotely affiliated with (sad, I know) so I've really just been spending the last 4 or 5 days trying to figure out what the heck is going on.

Boring interlude aside, this brings me to the topic at hand.  Jay Allen over at 95.5 The Game recently got married.  Brian Wheeler noted on his radio show that Mr. Allen asked him to do some announcing at the wedding. 

This, of course, got me thinking about building the ultimate Blazers wedding.

Obviously... this is a job for BE; one man alone cannot possibly do this.

So, let's say you or a friend or your child is getting married and you have the run of the entire Blazers team, front office, organization, and the Blazers media (television, newspaper, radio, web, etc.).  You're getting ready to call in every favor in the book to ensure the ideal Blazers wedding.  Who serves what role?

Let me kick this off with the most obvious: Paul Allen is the Father of the Bride.  If you want to do this right, daddy warbucks gotta be in charge of paying for this shindig. 

Test2_copy_medium

I'm not saying I'm a gold digger... but, yeah, I guess I am.

(yes, I realize his neck is jacked up, my bad)

One of my coworkers, amusingly, nominated Travis Outlaw as the Flower Girl.

Hmmmmm.....  Anne, I'll let you have the final judgement on this one.  Somebody want to put a bow on his head?  I'm all photoshopped out.

So... you can take this seriously or in jest, but, either way, you must help me build the ultimate Blazers wedding.   Note: Absolutely every position is available (security, wedding singer, limo driver... your imagination is the only limitation here). 

Do that there... starting... now.

-- Ben (benjamin.golliver@gmail.com)    

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Geez Dr Franken-Ben!!!!

Did you literally sew his head onto a re-animated body for that picture??

"There something going on with that Skipper. No one gets that fat eating coconuts"

by 92wastheyear on Aug 5, 2008 7:31 PM PDT   0 recs

LOL

yeah, that’s why i leave the important photoshopping to Phil.

"You'd rather say 'whoa' than 'giddyup.'" ~ Dean Demopoulos

by Ben. on Aug 5, 2008 7:32 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Duckworth has got to be the best man

With his affinity for Strip Clubs, who better to pick? He HAS to know the best places to go for the bachelor party-the single most important piece of the wedding festivities…I think Kersey would probably be good as a groomsman as well.

written by the Blazer Thoughts artist formely known as "Scott R"

by saregister on Aug 5, 2008 7:33 PM PDT   0 recs

Duckworth

likes strip clubs? I thought he liked fishing.

(Nice to see you haven’t forgotten us.)

"We, as Blazer fans, are perhaps the luckiest fans in the league."-Idog1976, July 19.

by jorga on Aug 5, 2008 8:01 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

never forgotten..

i’ve been lurking, but have had a lack of time to give well thought posts as i used to try…Life has been busy.

written by the Blazer Thoughts artist formely known as "Scott R"

by saregister on Aug 5, 2008 8:23 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Is Pritchard the Minister or the Wedding Coordinator?

He has to be the one in charge, but should he be in charge of the ceremony or reception.

by Salem Stephen on Aug 5, 2008 7:37 PM PDT   0 recs

pritchard as wedding planner is great

great call, i’m with that.

"You'd rather say 'whoa' than 'giddyup.'" ~ Dean Demopoulos

by Ben. on Aug 5, 2008 7:42 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Wedding planner, though he wouldn't need to talk like Fronk

Great position for him. He could trade needed equipment and personnel with other weddings for cash and future wedding coupons.

Odenied: Coach, I promise I wasn't running hard ...

by Norsktroll on Aug 5, 2008 7:44 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Jarrett Jack is the limo driver.

Let’s face it, he’s perfect. He could carry on a conversation with the couple in the limo, but hiis best asset is his ability to drive (even if he goes outside the lines a little bit). Afterward, he will go straight to the airport, happy couple in tow, and catch his own plane to the next wedding.

I hear it’s a very nice couple from Indiana who were quite impressed with his (limo-)driving skills.

Jerryd Bayless has two emotions: Kill and Win.

"I think it’s going to be very beautiful game next year."
-Nicolas Batum

by rockingharder on Aug 5, 2008 7:38 PM PDT   0 recs

plus jarrett is known to rock dark sunglasses too

so im with this one as well

"You'd rather say 'whoa' than 'giddyup.'" ~ Dean Demopoulos

by Ben. on Aug 5, 2008 7:43 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

What if

he turns the couple over to a different wedding party?

by MavetheGreat on Aug 6, 2008 9:54 AM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Greg Oden as the wedding singer, hands down

Odenied: Coach, I promise I wasn't running hard ...

by Norsktroll on Aug 5, 2008 7:44 PM PDT   0 recs

Hope he sings.....

...This one

not This one ( warning PG13)

"There something going on with that Skipper. No one gets that fat eating coconuts"

by 92wastheyear on Aug 5, 2008 7:49 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Travis would be perfect as the flower person. I can see him now, traipsing down

the aisle, scattering rose petals in front of the bride. Is there a bride?

"Besides, AnntheFan will be here any minute to #25 you." T Darkstar

by annthefan on Aug 5, 2008 7:45 PM PDT   0 recs

Hmmm. Dove grey or black swallowtail tux?

What will the color theme be? I’ve been blessedly sheltered from this kind of thing. I guess I should consult KP on this.

"Besides, AnntheFan will be here any minute to #25 you." T Darkstar

by annthefan on Aug 5, 2008 8:40 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Red, black and white

Of course!

Jerryd Bayless has two emotions: Kill and Win.

"I think it’s going to be very beautiful game next year."
-Nicolas Batum

by rockingharder on Aug 5, 2008 8:56 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Dove grey it is then. That will symbolize the stripe of silver on the jersey. Perfect.

Travis will look very handsome.

"Besides, AnntheFan will be here any minute to #25 you." T Darkstar

by annthefan on Aug 5, 2008 10:40 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Thanks for the props, Ben

I’m going to drop in my other suggestions now.

Channing Frye: Over-emotional aunt
Pryz: Non-approving uncle/friend
Steve Blake: The groomsman that gets lucky
Raef: The guest you feel obligated to invite but really isn’t that good of a friend because he can help the cap space, I mean family, down the road.

by jessenumber1 on Aug 5, 2008 7:49 PM PDT   0 recs

that is hilarious!

There is probably no more terrible instance of enlightenment than the one in which you discover your father is a man — with human flesh.
Paul Muad'Dib - Dune (Frank Herbert)

My Translation: My Dad is a dude just like me, and my sons are dudes like me also. I love that.

by johnv59 on Aug 5, 2008 11:42 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

zebo

Zach Randolph as the annoying relative – you know, the one that everyone hates, gets obscenely drunk, and shames the family?

Come on! He’s already on the family’s s-list for skipping a funeral and hitting up the strip club!

by Griff on Aug 5, 2008 7:51 PM PDT   0 recs

Well shoot

I thought sure PA was going to be the groom. Hey, I’d settle for a younger man… and perhaps Section 323 and Sophia might consider an older one…

"We, as Blazer fans, are perhaps the luckiest fans in the league."-Idog1976, July 19.

by jorga on Aug 5, 2008 7:59 PM PDT   0 recs

can you imagine the pre nup

for poor mr. allen…..

PA aside, do you have a second choice?

"You'd rather say 'whoa' than 'giddyup.'" ~ Dean Demopoulos

by Ben. on Aug 5, 2008 8:01 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Hmmm

sounds GREAT

Sophia

Leaders build cultures that create self-esteem, generate and sustain trust, elevate the dignity of work , create community and foster open communication, and finally encourage growth and learning.

-Warren Bennis USC Professor

That was a very hard winter,
and it was just like one long night,
with me lying awake, waiting and waiting and waiting
for daybreak.
- Black Elk
1881

by BlazerFan1 on Aug 5, 2008 9:06 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Bruce Ely (The Oregonian) as the wedding photographer

Odenied: Coach, I promise I wasn't running hard ...

by Norsktroll on Aug 5, 2008 8:01 PM PDT   0 recs

Bayless for security

Nobody will get out of hand

Aldridge said. "We feel like we can beat any team. We feel like we can beat the Spurs, Suns, Lakers, Mavericks, whoever any night right now, and we'll still be here when those teams get old and their guys retire. We're going to be here for a long time."

by lee3022 on Aug 5, 2008 8:03 PM PDT   0 recs

LOL

very good.

i had mentioned this to my coworker earlier. just put him next to the cake, no one will dare try to sneak a piece.

"You'd rather say 'whoa' than 'giddyup.'" ~ Dean Demopoulos

by Ben. on Aug 5, 2008 8:04 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

BRoy is bride all the way

makes everyone else thing they are important and quietly runs the show

Aldridge said. "We feel like we can beat any team. We feel like we can beat the Spurs, Suns, Lakers, Mavericks, whoever any night right now, and we'll still be here when those teams get old and their guys retire. We're going to be here for a long time."

by lee3022 on Aug 5, 2008 8:04 PM PDT   0 recs

OK

Sergio is the janitor who sweeps up afterwards. Even if he has mad skillz nobody is going to notice.

Ruben Patterson is the grandmother of the bride. Always complaining and telling folks how (s)he thinks it should be done but nobody cares.

Lamarcus and Martell are ushers who are scamming on everybody in a dress.

Mike Rice is a relative by marriage to a cousin of the groom and eats all of the hors d’oeuvres before the service is over.

Brian Wheeler is the guy in the back row telling everybody it won’t last.

Antonio Harvey is the church organist.

by Dave on Aug 5, 2008 8:06 PM PDT   0 recs

Nicolas Batum

is the wallflower at the reception standing in the corner with a half-eaten piece of cake waiting for someone to talk to him.

by Dave on Aug 5, 2008 8:07 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

LOL

especially mike rice

"You'd rather say 'whoa' than 'giddyup.'" ~ Dean Demopoulos

by Ben. on Aug 5, 2008 8:11 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

in fact now im wondering if mike rice

was the inspiration for wedding crashers

"You'd rather say 'whoa' than 'giddyup.'" ~ Dean Demopoulos

by Ben. on Aug 5, 2008 8:13 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Is someone big

going to be throwing Rice?

Cave Canem!

by Caveowl on Aug 5, 2008 9:25 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Good one!

"We, as Blazer fans, are perhaps the luckiest fans in the league."-Idog1976, July 19.

by jorga on Aug 5, 2008 9:34 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

When exactly does the 2008-2009 season start...?

Asked his specialty in the kitchen, Oden paused and said, "Hamburger Helper and tuna fish."

by MiledAnimal on Aug 5, 2008 8:06 PM PDT   0 recs

after the honeymoon

;)

"You'd rather say 'whoa' than 'giddyup.'" ~ Dean Demopoulos

by Ben. on Aug 5, 2008 8:10 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Is the Honeymoon location

a secret?

Cave Canem!

by Caveowl on Aug 5, 2008 9:44 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Maurice Lucas – Security, obvs.

Blaze the TrailCat – Two-year-old who won’t stop screaming during the vows.

Sheed – Funeral crasher at the wrong venue.

Rudy – Millionaire cousin who took a week off and flew from Spain just to attend.

Channing Frye – Just happy to be there.

Clyde the Glide – 40-something relative who married a 20-something from Houston.

Scottie Pippen – 40-something in-law who married a 20-something relative.

Bill Walton – The one who gets all nervous when they say “if anyone has any objections, let them speak now or forever hold their peace”

Martell – Catches the bouquet(?)

"Well, Travis just showed us that we can go to Travis Outlaw." - Nate McMillan

by 12sharks on Aug 5, 2008 8:23 PM PDT   0 recs

No no

Martell is the bridesmaid. Er, bridesman. Not yet the bride, but hoping to be soon. (Can catch the bouquet consisting of stardom flowers)

"We, as Blazer fans, are perhaps the luckiest fans in the league."-Idog1976, July 19.

by jorga on Aug 5, 2008 8:26 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Thanks for totally shooting me down.

"Well, Travis just showed us that we can go to Travis Outlaw." - Nate McMillan

by 12sharks on Aug 5, 2008 8:36 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

As in..

could be the next bride, whereas “catching the bouquet” would mean will be the next. That’s how the bouquet thing works, right?

"Well, Travis just showed us that we can go to Travis Outlaw." - Nate McMillan

by 12sharks on Aug 5, 2008 9:09 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Ahhhhh...

I interpreted the question mark as “Martell should maybe catch the bouquet? I’m not sure?” thus inviting other ideas. I suspect that’s how Jorga read it as well.

—Dave

by Dave on Aug 5, 2008 9:10 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Oh, gotcha. And gotcha.

Sorry for any confusion – I totally see how that could be interpreted as such.

It was more of a play on “Martell = Potentially Good” or whatever. Now I’m just beating something that was kind of an afterthought totally into the ground. Could we just call this case closed? I feel like I’m dying up here – try the veal!

"Well, Travis just showed us that we can go to Travis Outlaw." - Nate McMillan

by 12sharks on Aug 5, 2008 9:12 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

The VEAL?!?

That’s it, you’re banned Mr. Animal Cruelty! My favorite cousin was a baby lamb!!! NOBODY says the “V” word on Blazersedge!!!

—Dave

by Dave on Aug 5, 2008 9:15 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Sorry

Ve@l.

"Well, Travis just showed us that we can go to Travis Outlaw." - Nate McMillan

by 12sharks on Aug 5, 2008 9:16 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

LOL

Seriously…isn’t it funny how in our society thinly disguising something with a punctuation symbol that looks kind of like the letter it replaces is supposed to make saying things OK? I never got that.

—Dave

by Dave on Aug 5, 2008 9:18 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Link

"Well, Travis just showed us that we can go to Travis Outlaw." - Nate McMillan

by 12sharks on Aug 5, 2008 9:23 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Sorry, that didn't work:

Link

"Well, Travis just showed us that we can go to Travis Outlaw." - Nate McMillan

by 12sharks on Aug 5, 2008 9:30 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

That's better.

"Well, Travis just showed us that we can go to Travis Outlaw." - Nate McMillan

by 12sharks on Aug 5, 2008 9:32 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

My Grandma hated when I said darn

it was just damn…..disguised

"There something going on with that Skipper. No one gets that fat eating coconuts"

by 92wastheyear on Aug 5, 2008 9:25 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Hahahahhhahhaaa!

"Besides, AnntheFan will be here any minute to #25 you." T Darkstar

by annthefan on Aug 5, 2008 9:20 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

OK...maybe not banned

but you’re on WARNING, mister!

And don’t even THINK about telling people to get the spaghetti either! My grandma’s second husband was a noodle and he always used to give me an extra five bucks for my birthday and Christmas.

—Dave

by Dave on Aug 5, 2008 9:16 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Actually

tell them to get the asparagus. A pack of asparagi used to rough me up on the way to school every morning in the 5th grade. Never liked ‘em.

—Dave

by Dave on Aug 5, 2008 9:20 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Were you stalked?

"Besides, AnntheFan will be here any minute to #25 you." T Darkstar

by annthefan on Aug 5, 2008 9:21 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Ohhhhh

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

(LOL…but…)

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

—Dave

by Dave on Aug 5, 2008 9:22 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

My mom was afraid

I’d “turnip” missing.

(I am truly aghast at what we’re starting. Sorry Ben.)

—Dave

by Dave on Aug 5, 2008 9:23 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

It reminds me of a bumper sticker:

“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals – I just really hate vegetables”

"Well, Travis just showed us that we can go to Travis Outlaw." - Nate McMillan

by 12sharks on Aug 5, 2008 9:28 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Odenied: Coach, I promise I wasn't running hard ...

by Norsktroll on Aug 5, 2008 9:38 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Well, of course I can't neglect the obvious,

give peas a chance.

"Besides, AnntheFan will be here any minute to #25 you." T Darkstar

by annthefan on Aug 5, 2008 9:28 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

But since this is a wedding thread

I canteloupe.

"Besides, AnntheFan will be here any minute to #25 you." T Darkstar

by annthefan on Aug 5, 2008 9:29 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

I carrot too much

to not ask …

Is it the moon or what? There was a whole stew of vegetable puns in the Just Blaze Court Rivals forum (or maybe the game chat) yesterday.

"We, as Blazer fans, are perhaps the luckiest fans in the league."-Idog1976, July 19.

by jorga on Aug 5, 2008 10:04 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

I think it's the onslaught of zuchinni in gardens

everywhere that’s turning our minds to mashed potatoes.

"Besides, AnntheFan will be here any minute to #25 you." T Darkstar

by annthefan on Aug 5, 2008 10:57 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

I'm the tangential queen.

Children need to learn these things before they’re thrown into the fray. I’m doing the little boogers a favor.

"Besides, AnntheFan will be here any minute to #25 you." T Darkstar

by annthefan on Aug 6, 2008 12:12 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

What does Tan-Genital mean?

"There something going on with that Skipper. No one gets that fat eating coconuts"

by 92wastheyear on Aug 6, 2008 8:49 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

you know,"Natural" sunbathing

"If I was in anyway unclear, I am implying that Dave is a serial murderer."
---jonestr on Aug 3, 2008 12:25 AM PDT

Email Dave,
--- Mortimer --- for Blazers Edge Ambassador to the SBNations

by ptwnblzr on Aug 6, 2008 9:47 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Stinker!

"Besides, AnntheFan will be here any minute to #25 you." T Darkstar

by annthefan on Aug 7, 2008 5:23 AM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Both of you!

"Besides, AnntheFan will be here any minute to #25 you." T Darkstar

by annthefan on Aug 7, 2008 5:24 AM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Asparagus...

I used to pick wild aspargus on my way home from school in the mornings, bring it home and my Mom would cook it. It grew wild in the very, very rural area I grew up in, loved it! Oh Man, are we off topic….

There is probably no more terrible instance of enlightenment than the one in which you discover your father is a man — with human flesh.
Paul Muad'Dib - Dune (Frank Herbert)

My Translation: My Dad is a dude just like me, and my sons are dudes like me also. I love that.

by johnv59 on Aug 5, 2008 11:51 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

uhh, veal is baby cow

unless you’re just speaking of your love for all the baby animals.
And that’s okay by me.

by Section323 on Aug 6, 2008 12:10 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Spelling?

That’s one of those words I have trouble with. I was glad he spelled it right

"We, as Blazer fans, are perhaps the luckiest fans in the league."-Idog1976, July 19.

by jorga on Aug 5, 2008 9:09 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Oh i'm sorry

I was just sort of refining your suggestion. :-)

"We, as Blazer fans, are perhaps the luckiest fans in the league."-Idog1976, July 19.

by jorga on Aug 5, 2008 9:08 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

I was just joking – I think we actually agree!

"Well, Travis just showed us that we can go to Travis Outlaw." - Nate McMillan

by 12sharks on Aug 5, 2008 9:10 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Is Petteri invited?

Odenied: Coach, I promise I wasn't running hard ...

by Norsktroll on Aug 5, 2008 8:23 PM PDT   0 recs

hes the guy that some people thought was going to get invited but didnt

sergio gets upset whenever he hears someone ask “why isnt peteri hear?”

"If I was in anyway unclear, I am implying that Dave is a serial murderer."
---jonestr on Aug 3, 2008 12:25 AM PDT

Email Dave,
--- Mortimer --- for Blazers Edge Ambassador to the SBNations

by ptwnblzr on Aug 6, 2008 2:26 AM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Steve Blake

head waiter – no turn overs into anyone’s lap.

"We, as Blazer fans, are perhaps the luckiest fans in the league."-Idog1976, July 19.

by jorga on Aug 5, 2008 8:24 PM PDT   0 recs

Terry Porter

Head usher. Knows how to get everyone to the right place.

"We, as Blazer fans, are perhaps the luckiest fans in the league."-Idog1976, July 19.

by jorga on